My Drinking History: Over four decades of mostly problem drinking, five drunken-related arrests in my 20s (the early 80s), of abstinence and binge-drinking, of trying moderation and usually-or-often failing, of being immersed in almost every other recovery group out there, but of being mostly sober.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT.
I SCARED MYSELF NEARLY TO DEATH LAST NIGHT.
I've Enlisted The Help Of My Wonderful Little Family To Make Sure I Won't Drink For 30 Days Starting Today!
After that, I may want to do another Abs-30! Many people do in this program I'm loving, The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin).
I'm also foregoing using any cannabis product as it sometimes triggers me to drink.
I'm also SERIOUSLY thinking I am going to have to let my two blogs go so I can be completely free from those people, my FOO (family of origin), who have access to my blogs.
I don't want them in our lives. I don't want them to know anything about my life, just as I don't know anything about theirs, and that's the way I like it.
I ORPHANED myself from them and my relatives for a reason!!!
I can't be truly free or whole until I am truly free of them.
It hurts me feeling like they are spying on me; and I know they are.
My beautiful young adult daughters have something wonderful planned for me today, and I CAN'T WAIT!
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Between my ex-sister's unwanted voice message late Wednesday night, to it being Mother's Day tomorrow, no wonder I went over the edge, drank to excess the next day after ex-sister's call, scared myself so bad I committed to not drinking for 30 days yesterday, and am now drinking right now, the evening before Mother's Day!
LAST Mother's Day I sent my 80-something mother a Very Large, Very Expensive, And Very Beautiful Bouquet Of Flowers.
And THIS Mother's Day, I'm orphaned from her and all of them for life.
I'm a psychological and emotional wreck over my fucking FOO (family of origin), and I don't know what the hell I'm doing, except trying to survive.
Once enough time has passed when they have been safely out of my life, I'm sure to recover.
I have it on good authority--the ones who know me the best tell me--that I'm super strong and super resilient.
I Didn't Want To Tell This Story Because I Didn't Want My Ex-Sister To Know She Has So Much Power Over Me. It will just feed her ego. She's 4 1/2 years older than me and is into trying to control me.
I mean, I didn't want to post the part about how much she drove me to drink the next day. And now I don't want to post that they have driven me to drink today. But They Have.
They Are My BLOOD. Not Only My Blood, But My Same Sex Birth-Family Members. Mother's And Sister's Can't Not Have A SuperDeDooperExtraStrongConnection With You, Yo!
WHY DOESN'T SOCIETY AS A WHOLE UNDERSTAND THAT AND SUPPORT WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH?? IT'S POLITICALLY INCORRECT TO BLAME ANYONE AT ALL FOR ANY OF YOUR PROBLEMS OR PAIN, AND THAT IS BULLSHIT!
It's My Responsibility To Deal With It And Grow From It And Learn How To Find Peace, And To Take Responsibility For How I'm Feeling, And I DO!
But THEY Get the BLAME For Messing Me Up, Because That's Exactly What They Did!
And If I ever mess-up my beloved daughters, I will OWN it, and I will do everything in my power to heal it, and I will never stop apologizing to them.
Do You Get My Drift?
Mercifully, my daughters are happy, well adjusted young women who love and like and respect and trust me!
They and they alone are responsible for me learning that I am a good person, a sane person, and worthy of love.
The flak does not come from Dave or Jack (the writers/founders). They freely allow my posts and my thinking and they honor my journey. They honor and respect everyone's journeys. The 30-Day Sobriety Solution is not affiliated with AA.
Here's a response I got at the forum:
I'm not sure "focusing on sobriety" by getting high Is the way to go. You're replacing a bad habit by another one. Don't you want to try other ways to deal with your anxiety? Yoga, meditation, exercice, tapping etc? It really works...
That to me is the real challenge. To face my fears, my anxiety, my problems without any use of ANYTHING and learning healthy ways to take care of myself. If you've been trying and trying to be a "moderate drinker" and you haven't succeeded by now... Can't you consider that you might have to accept the fact that you shouldn't drink anymore?
Is that something you could consider? If you did once, it must have been out of control no? It shouldn't be that hard Jaya...
I feel for you. You mentionned you have an illeness, hope it's not to serious. Good luck with the challenge. I've been sober for 3 months now. Followed the book's solutions to the letter and I feel AMAZING. I'm starting it again this week end just to take it in and go deeper. So grateful for this life saving and Life changent book...
I guess I hit a nerve... Sorry about that. No, not in AA. Tried it and didn't work for me. It didn't feel like a cult though. I never gave Them that power and never felt like they wanted to take power over me. I see you justifying yourself and being very defensive. I guess you might have felt attacked by me. I apologize. You have your journey and I have mine. Let's leave it at that. This is bad energy for everyone, I apologize for that too.
Stay away 30 day solution people.
It's a trap.
Gosh, addicts can be so MEAN.
Friday, May 6, 2016
I'm Breaking My VOW!
Oh Dear! There's no way to EDIT my posts! Guess they are too old to edit!
I have a MAJOR update! I've decided to break my Vow of Never Doing An Abs-30!
Starting today I am starting The 30-Day Sobriety Solution over, and starting today I am not going to drink alcohol for 30 days!
I woke up this morning wanting to give myself this Gift and this Challenge. I want to know what it feeeels like to do a 30! (I've only ever "quit drinking for good" before!)
My intention is to be become a consistent moderate drinker.
I ALSO want to trust my doctor and turn to medical cannabis more, and to learn to prefer it over alcohol, because it's only healthy and healing for me. He talked to me about micro-dosing with edibles or tinctures; not to get high but to ease anxiety and stress and symptoms of my illnesses.
With alcohol safely out of the way for 30 days, I won't be distracted by it and I can focus on sobriety just using cannabis lightly and sporadically. I may or may not want to use it some nights to get high.
I don't see myself RELYING on cannabis because I always have and still do prefer being substance-free. Which is why my definition of Sobrietist is to keep substance use moderate. Everyone has to define what sobriety is for them.
I'm looking forward to restarting this journey, and I'm also fearful, and I do now see it as IMPERATIVE to give up drinking while doing the program (CultAA be damned!). In the past few months I haven't progressed as far as I prefer in controlling my drinking.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
And I owe it all to Dr. Flynn and GodGoddessUniverse!
And the work I've been doing; the very hard work!
And what is this miracle, you ask?
Specifically, the brand new CBD/THC Candy Hearts!
Substance-free yesterday, just a few sucks on a Candy Heart at 5 p.m. (then saved the rest) made me feel un-buzzed but totally relaxed, happy, and stress-free, and lasted at least five hours, cuz then I went to bed.
Dr. Flynn is my medical cannabis MD. I've met him twice. The first time was in January 2015, and the second time was April 2016. I get my annual "permission slip" (LOL) to use medical cannabis.
Last year I told him one of the things I hoped to gain from weed was curbing my drinking. As I've written about a lot, it's not been working out that way for me (everyone is different), and that I only like to use pot after I've been drinking.
When I met with him this year.... and, you should get a visual of the waiting room: mostly professional people, and some non-professionally dressed people, none of them high; meaning cannabis is so totally legit and wonderful.... I shared that I would really love to learn how to use cannabis more and alcohol less, but that I've been getting my drinking down regardless. And that smoking pot (vape pen) makes me sleepy if I don't drink alcohol.
Dr. Flynn talked to me about using edibles more and about micro-dosing, which is a thing that's catching on. Taking a tiny amount of whatever strain you prefer (CBD or THC or both) throughout the day. And that even he does this sometimes.
Since I prefer CBD (body high) over THC (head high), unless I'm drinking, I avoid edibles, as my dispensary only sells THC edibles. UNTIL NOW! : )
I can easily see myself turning to Candy Hearts instead of booze on days I need help but don't want to drink. Either that or using the tinctures I have. (I also have a THC tincture.) And I have been using CBD tincture sporadically by itself for stress or anxiety, but now I'll probably use it more.
I must have required more coaching or something before I was willing or able to make the change. I'm starting to become more trusting and confident in the whole med weed scene, and certainly in this doctor. He's a very intelligent gent too.
Maybe now, despite anything unbearable going on in my life, I'll be able to drink only once or twice a week again like I want to do, just for pleasure, and to drink more moderate amounts again also.
Here is a partial chart of what cannabis treats:
Monday, May 2, 2016
But I don't know how else to deal with this unfathomable, unbearable grief and PTSD without drinking. Again, that's me, everyone is different.
It's so overwhelming I don't even know if I'll ever be OK.
Yesterday was a very good substance-free day spent with my little family. They are the best family in the universe and I am so blessed and grateful. I Love Them SO MUCH! And They Love Me SO MUCH!
All three of them are very hard-working and busy during the weekdays. Gosh, that's a gift!
Remembering that I'm basically a happy person who loves life and that I can experience joy ought to help assure me that somehow I'm going to be OK. Somehow I'm going to get through the pain and the loss of being abused and/or abandoned by my entire FOO+ (family of origin and relatives). Since it was love and abuse in the same package it's much harder to recover from than if it was only abuse. I will always deeply love and miss them, and wish they cared about me. I DO know I will never recover. But I hope and pray to find some kind of wholeness and peace in time.
So, I am now focusing on stopping judging, criticizing, negative-self-talking myself. I Don't Deserve That! It's a bad habit, and mostly it's my ex-mother's voice in my head attacking me mercilessly that way.
I know I'm a good person, one of the best I know as a matter of fact. Why else would I be supporting Bernie? : ) Being a good democrat, I'll vote for whomever our nominee is. I ask ALL millennials and independents and libertarians and green partiers to do the same, please! We absolutely can't afford or risk getting a republican in the white house, especially not the choices we presently have. (UNDERSTATEMENT!)
Sunday, May 1, 2016
I have tried to live by them my whole life.
I know I have been as honest as appropriately possible in this blog.
While still being smartly discerning about what I report.
Discernment out of respect to my personal growth and needs, and discernment out of respect for my readers.
I tell the truth to set myself free.
And I do it to help inspire others to set themselves free.
Telling the truth about my drinking is helping to heal my drinking problem.
I don't feel I have a drinking problem any longer!
I feel very good about my drinking.
And I am starting to feel consistently good about my drinking behavior too.
That's More Progress!
In CultAA they attack alcohol as being "Cunning, baffling, and powerful"
It's the very nature of not respecting alcohol and it's power that can cause alcoholism.
Respecting alcohol's power softens it's power over you.
Not demonizing it, but honoring it, whether you want to drink or not.
It's a spiritual understanding.
The Less Fear I Have About Alcohol And Drinking
The Better My Drinking Habits Are
I drank a fourth time this week after all, yesterday.
It is helping me through my Intense Grieving And PTSD.
I absolutely don't want my drinking to continue at this level.
I absolutely desire and intend for it to shift again.
What I Am Going Through Over My FOO (family of origin) Is Unbearable And Unfathomable.
It's A Wonder I'm Not A Full-Blown Alcoholic, Truly.
And I Love to smoke pot when I drink. It slows down time. It elevates my mood. It relaxes me further.
But what I'm learning by honoring and respecting alcohol's cunning, baffling power, and not fearing it, is that simultaneously I'm paying more attention to my Intuition and honoring it.
Like today, when I was thinking about how could I get away with drinking because I really wanted to, to help me get over this hump regarding my deep pain over my FOO.
Long story short, as I was returning home from an errand, I decided to get a half pint of vodka and headed towards the store. I wasn't afraid or anything, I consciously acknowledged and honored alcohol's power. I was paying attention to how I was feeling and that's when I became aware of my Intuition's voice; for me in the form of a feeling at that moment. And all of a sudden I decided to drive home instead.
My Intuition was telling me not to drink today, I heard it, and I honored it.
It's being a really great day for me in every way. I feel so good in my body. I feel so good about myself.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Now I know why it wasn't true and now I feel safe to expose myself to you.
On Thursday I ended up drinking 4.5 of those 7.7%-alcohol beers = 6.75 standard drinks.
And on Friday I drank 6 regular beers (6 standard drinks).
And Now I Know Why:
Friday morning's Judy's Jottings post: judyactonayala.blogspot.com//i-wonder-how-long-it-will-take-if-ever
This morning's Judy's Jottings post (composed yesterday while buzzed): judyactonayala.blogspot.com/a-pretend-letter-to-my-ex-mother-to
It took a lot out of me to write and post all of these. I'll be alright. I know I won't drink today or tomorrow. So, I drank 3 times this week, down from 4 days last week when the FOO (family of origin) shit really hit the fan. I'm trying to be non-judgmental of myself because I deserve my own compassion. Because it's my desire to drink only 2 times a week again, I know I will return to that, and probably starting next week.
Friday, April 29, 2016
It's interesting how flexible a drinking plan can allow one to be!
You know, as long as you are Keepin' It 100! Telling yourself the Truth!
Not easy to do if you're an addict, I know, but whether or not I was an addict before (probably was), I'm not now!
My drinking week starts on Mondays, and my drinking plan is to drink only twice a week, but that I can drink as much as I want those two days. (I'd been averaging 6 drinks.)
The first day that I drank this week was Tuesday, and I surprised myself by only drinking 4.5 drinks (standard drinks. it was a half pint of silver tequila.)
I was planning on drinking on Friday as my second day.
But yesterday, Thursday, I, for whatever reasons wanted to drink. I decided to go for it, but as I was driving to Bev Mo to get beer, I was full of anxiety, self-doubt, and self-disappointment. Going off my plan put me at risk for drinking perhaps a third day this week. Scary after coming off a drank-four-days-last-week experience due to overwhelming circumstances.
Was I going to fuck up this week and hate myself??
Nope! Hurray! Not at all!
By trusting myself and simply following through with my decision to drink yesterday, it suddenly became so clear!: Buy A 6-Pack Of Stone Delicious IPA (Gluten-Free) 7.7%-Alcohol Beer, And Drink Half On Thursday And Half On Friday! No harm no foul! Why? Because it was moderate drinking making it all average-out; making it so I didn't drink much more than my average 12 drinks a week. (I still want to get that number down.)
The thing about Stone Delicious IPA is that a 6-pack = 9 standard drinks! I'd never want to drink that much in one day anymore, and believe me, it almost never happened. It was so easy to drink only 3 of them yesterday = 4.5 standard drinks! And I get to enjoy the rest this evening, while, among other things, watching Real Time with Bill Maher!
It's easy not to drink on Saturdays or Sundays due to family goings-on(s)! Spending quality time with my awesome little family is always preferable over drinking!
Work Hard Within Your Means At Making Yourself Truly Happy !
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
I could get used to this! I'm still OK, for now, with drinking as many drinks as I choose due to cutting back drinking to two times a week (was drinking up to five times a week for several months, and trying to keep it to 1-4 drinks with some success but not enough success). But I see myself wanting more and more to drink less. That's just me. Everyone is different.
It's one thing to believe you can improve your drinking habits, it's quite another thing when it actually happens!
I know Many people are accomplishing this! Especially the ones I connect with through The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin).
I want to share Matt's recording with you because it was FREE and I'm not breaking any rules. : )
Password: AwakenedOne Link: Awaken-Your-Intuition