It's Not Like Waving A Magic Wand!

Per my previous post!

Cuz things take time to take hold!

Me
Drinking
A
6-pack
Of
Beer
Today

!
!
!
!
!
!

Making it O'Mission Gluten-Free Pale Ale

After all,
I had nothing better to do
after shopping at Whole Foods this morning
And recovering from my daughter's GRADUATION from college! ! !

Now That 9/27/15 Is Past....

As it happens, it may be very true that MANY Energetically Sensitive Beings, such as myself, found their old "addictions" returning this year!! Among many other oddities in their lives and bodies and being. Both good and bad.

According to my spiritual teacher (and others), Matt Kahn, September 27, 2015 marked the beginning of Unity Consciousness, Ascension into the 5th dimension, a big shift energetically, spiritually, and vibrationally --- for 1/3 of the planet. That is, everyone is part of everything, of course, but we're on different time tables.

Anyway,  I  H O P E  H E ' S  R I G H T !!! Cuz that really WAS some powerful moon last night, well, really over Saturday, Sunday, and today, Monday. And it certainly won't happen again for... how many years?... around 30? I'll have to look it up.


May my focus, and the focus of others who want to drink less, switch from drinking to other things starting now.

May it become suddenly easier to become an all-the-time moderate drinker.


It may already be starting. At (the party) Saturday night, went to fetch another bottle of champagne and only drank 1/4 of it! Jordan and I drank a total of 1 1/4 bottles each at our daughter's college grad party. Geeeez, why we even went to the store at 10 pm to get more champagne I don't even know! LOL, but it was fun --- being out amongst the world under that full moon.

Last night, after an intense session with my psychologist about my crazy and creepy and hurtful family of origin, I absolutely needed that other unopened bottle of champagne that we had also bought for the partyers. (They didn't want it. They are not big drinkers. PLEASE Keep It That Way!!) It was a good choice for me to drink it last night. It did me a world of good. So did the cannabis.


I can't wait to see what unfolds.

Email To My Cousin (FOO+ = family of origin and relatives)

  It's finally revealed to me that mom, and therefore my entire FOO+ thinks I made the whole thing up; thinks I made up the abuse; all of it. (She thinks one tiny incident happened; something basically insignificant.)

  Well, it's more important now than ever before that she reads the book I poured my heart and soul and everything else into. Again, she had said that she wants to read it. Before she shuffles off this mortal coil she needs to get her facts straight so she doesn't have to come back and do it all again.

  She recently made a very intimidating and manipulative call to Jordan, and he said it was like she was trying to validate for herself the belief in the lies she has been telling herself my whole life.

  Jordan certainly believes me; every word. Not only did reading my book do that for him, he witnessed much abuse against me himself over the decades.

  Thank God for him and my girls. I really would be crazy or dead if I didn't have them/if they didn't believe me.

  I've been drinking way too much this year (abstaining for a few days presently), which only serves to confirm in the minds of my FOO that I really am crazy (when I drunk-dial them in my love-bug self; still trying desperately to bring healing and reunion, and also occasionally being confrontational), so is not helping my case any. But! My Whole Life As I Know It Is About To End. Not only am I truly losing my FOO+ (including you again, no doubt) for life, but my twin soul and I appear to be parting ways for good also, and that our long-distance platonic friendship is coming to the end of its rainbow (you know we had that affair over a decade ago). It won't be more than I can bear (please, God, don't let it be more than I can bear!). Destiny dictates that I'm ready for it. And I also believe I'm here for a very important spiritual journey and reason.

   Oh, so, no one ever has to fear that I will ever again go off the deep end with my drinking like I have before in my life. I can assure you that won't happen. It's just a knowing I have. I can feel that shift in me.

Something's Gotta Give

I drank twice my limit yesterday. I drank a half pint of vodka, then I went out and got another one and drank it.

Time to reassess. I need to abstain from drinking the next three days, that is, I want to. My daughter's college graduation party is Saturday and I want to wait until then to drink. It will be easy for me to moderate at her party; and mostly, her dad and I will be staying out of their way and let them play amongst themselves!

I've been in crisis for a while over mostly serious family of origin emotional trauma and it's clearly getting the better of me.

I honestly don't even know if I'll be able to stay alcohol-free for three days in a row --- that's how bad it's gotten. I'm generally ok drinking whenever I want as long as I'm moderate, but mostly I do not like drinking every day; never have.

Didn't drink Monday. I can't remember the last time I had three abs days in a row, but I had two in a row recently, so I don't know why I'm so nervous. I don't know why I think it's going to be a problem for me to abstain for three days!

Maybe it has to do with how much I drank yesterday! Maybe I fear I'm out of control!

I haven't even given myself a chance to do the work yet! I've been distracted from continuing the LifeProcessProgram (link in right margin). How can the program work if I don't do it?! I'll never know if it helps me achieve my goal if I don't try it!

Given what happened yesterday, I feel I better put my focus on LPP and not on getting my memoir ready to send to my mom---as super important and needed as that is! I don't have time or energy to do both things; it's gotta be one or the other.

Thank GodGoddessUniverse I had sense enough to make an appointment with my psychologist to talk about the overwhelming things happening in my life that are taking a major toll on my emotional and mental state. I haven't needed to see her for about a year. Can't wait for Sunday afternoon for my appointment!

....And I'm so sick of having to apologize to people the day after I drank too much, especially my little family here; whom I do try not to impose upon when I'm drinking; but when I drink that much there's really no where for anyone to hide! I get really philosophical and happy and loving and spiritual, and also witty and snarky. I think I'm saving the world when I reach-out to people at the time. Ugh.

I'm So Totally Drinking *TODAY* Though

Overwhelming emotions returned with a flurry.
Again, it's bullshit, the statement, "Drinking when you feel bad is bad drinking."
Drinking when you feel bad can save you from a heart attack or stroke: keep it moderate if you can!

I emailed my cousin I grew up with just now about what's going on; re: my becoming an orphan by choice; because she deserves to know the truth so she can decide if she wants to stay in my life or not.
I just got her back this year too! After years and years of estrangement (due to my discord with my family of origin and all that lack of truth-and-communication-and-healing).

If she stays, then I'll have two relatives in my life: her, and the guardian angel cousin who came into my life on Facebook last year. (I Feel So Blessed!!! To me it's a Miracle!) She says sweet things to me like how when she met me when I was a baby and she was five she fell in love with me! She's sad we didn't get to grow up together! She and I haven't seen each other since I was a little girl during a brief visit. We hadn't even connected at all until Facebook. We live across the country from one another.

I'm going to drink a 6-pack of O'Mission gluten-free beer. It's yummy.
If I don't want to drink the whole thing, I'll let you know.
It's only 11:30 in the morning; I'll probably want to drink the whole thing over the hours!!

There's always News about My Fabulous Life on my other blog too.
HaHaHa

Returning To Sanity

It's a Very long tale of woe
But it's finally Over
And I'm done with my Stupid, Stupid, Abusive, Narcissistic FOO (family of origin) for good.
I'm an orphan for life.

All I Ever Wanted And Worked For My Whole Life With Them Was Truth, Communication, And Healing.

It's not in my Destiny though.

I only drank over it for two days in a row.
I was so deeply shattered, I thought for certain I would want to drink every day for quite a while.
I gave myself permission to do so, with love.

The first day I drank moderately, the second day I didn't. (Champagne was my drug of choice + weed)

Yesterday, something miraculously shifted in me and I had some inner peace and relief, and had no desire for substances, but DID desire Ben and Jerry's Karamel Sutra Core!

I believe seeing in my daughters' eyes the strength I forgot I had, all the love and support I received from my spiritual community of free-thinkers on Facebook, and a loan cousin, who showed up in my life on Facebook like a guardian angel --- greatly contributed to my healing. I have thanked them all profusely! ...Not to forget my girls' dad, who listened to and supported me long-distance while on a business trip!

And Not Only THAT, But...

HolyFuckMeInTheAss,LOVEYourself!

Life Hurts, But Being The Most Authentic Person Helps

I really don't know anyone personally who is as open and honest and forthright as me.

Not that I didn't take my time going public with my identity on this blog.

Timing is everything, and I needed to know it was appropriate for my wonderful little family to do so.


I didn't start drinking until 6 pm today.
I'm only drinking a half pint of vodka.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE To Drink Moderately!
It's so GOOD for me!


Here's the vodka:

And here's my blog post from my main blog:

http://judyactonayala.blogspot.com/2015/09/i-want-my-book-to-be-love-letter-to-my.html

I'm So Done Drinking For Today -- Even Though I Don't Have To!

Four gluten-free beers.

Total freedom to keep on drinking

No desire to

How did I change so much

I was such a lush forever

But now it's NOW


BE INSPIRED FELLOW DRINKERS!

Yesterday Was A Huge Relief --- Today It's Back To The Grieving Process

First of all, what I remind myself of often is that I Don't Have To Get My Way To Be Happy.
That's a spiritual truth.

So, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen with my family of origin (FOO), I guess I'll be OK.

I've been trying to save my family my whole life.

Anyway, here's what happened yesterday:

I did experience a sense of relief from "escaping" the FOO who can't stop hurting me/I can't stop feeling hurt by. I blocked them from being able to contact me in any way.

With the blessing of my little family here, I enjoyed a bottle of champagne over several hours yesterday.

Much to my surprise, I called my mother, then my brother, then my sister.
I wanted to tell them I love them, but that something had to give for me, and I'm sorry if they can't understand.

Then I asked them to do a radical thing. I asked them if they would read, "The Courage To Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, and then allow me to have control over our individual relationships. I reminded them that dad did this and our relationship began to heal because of it, and we achieved a great deal of healing before his tragic death in 1999; car crash. So, he and I never got to finish our healing process.

I can't expect the rest of my FOO to be interested in my request; after all, they never have been before, but it felt good to ask for what I needed and for what I know can heal our relationships.

There really needs to be an acknowledgement of the the abuse. We have to tell the truth, and we have to feel in order to heal. How can you heal what you can't feel? I've been preaching this to them my entire life. I'm exhausted.

I'm grateful I don't have to hear from any of them until I'm ready to.

I'm still hopeful. It really IS Impossible to give up hope, no matter what the odds.


The girls' dad and I enjoyed spending time together yesterday evening, and since I was already done drinking, he enjoyed a couple beers while we talked, watched a movie, and enjoyed each other's company; before he took off for a week on business this morning.

I believe if not for him and our two daughters, I'd have been dead a long time ago.

If You (I) Don't Drink Over Something Like THIS!!...

My LPP Coach (link in right margin) messaged me this (FOO is family of origin):


How is the FOO acting this wknd? I feel like they dont even comprehend what you have been through Jaya and how much youre grieving :(

My responsse:

It means a lot to me that you would ask, and that you care, Shelly.
Yesterday was one of the worst days I've ever had in my life; basically in the fetal position all day; feeling the deadest inside I can remember feeling.
Here's the thing though... because I didn't drink (or smoke), or even want to... I'm more confident than ever that I'm not an alcoholic.
I FELT all my PAIN because I needed to.
I DID ask them once again to let me go and not to respond; they responded of course. Mom was all innocent like, "I love you..... never, never, never give up.... what can I do to help?"

What can she do to help?! Are you effing kidding me?? She and I just had a phone chat that morning where she claimed total ignorance to ever abusing me.

I got to say something I've always wanted and needed to say to her in a text message in response to her text message last night. In all caps I texted her:

OMG YOU SHOULD BE CRYING YOUR EYES OUT OVER HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME MY WHOLE LIFE

And I sent it because it was meant without malice, and by now she ought to know that.
It silenced her. I'm imagining that she was very offended.

I read an e-book by Anah Maa last year called, "The Light At The End Of The Tunnel" about a miracle woman who survived ritual abuse and worse by Illuminati parents. And even HER mother, later in life, woke up, went to her daughter to cry with her, apologize to her and beg her forgiveness.

I don't expect my FOO, narcissists that they are, to EVER comprehend, let alone care, about me in that way. And my story is less than a minuscule fraction of Anah's. Meaning, my FOO has nothing to be ashamed of... and I have been saying that to them for a very long time; I want to end the stigma of shame; I just want to talk and bring healing. 

Today I did my best to block their phone numbers and email addys

Just An Update

Per last post, didn't drink that day.

Drank yesterday.

PLANNED on drinking 6 gluten-free beers and it was over severe heartache regarding the ongoing drama and hurt from my FOO (family of origin) that I've been living my entire life to try to heal.

BUT!

I only drank 5 1/3 beers.

This is unheard of right? After all, I'm an "ALCOHOLIC" according to what I was taught to believe about myself my whole adult life.

I'm no alcoholic.

And every day that passes I become more and more clear on that.


Tonight I really needed to drink too (FOO pain).
I'm NOT of the camp that thinks "Drinking when you feel bad is bad drinking."
That's ridiculous.
Done right it is very good for your heart and nervous system.

Tonight's choice was a Vodka from France called PINNACLE.
It's quite smooth! Wayy smoother than tequila.
I'm halfway through my half pint.

I also just took four drops of CBD tincture and four drops of my brand new THC tincture.
I'm learning that CBD works better for healing when used with THC.
That makes perfect sense to me; the entire plant; meant to work together.


I just LOVE this blog.
I just LOVE how I get to be ME.
And tell my TRUTH.


I can't say Precisely what is Curing my "alcoholism."  It's a mixture of the groups listed in the right margin, Structured Water, spiritual growth, and growing Self Love.

And So It Is

I'm Glad It's An Alcohol-Free Day

I like them as much as drinking days, I must say!
I seem to be averaging drinking/not drinking every-other day.
I'm OK with that now.
Maybe I'll grow more and change my mind later, who knows.
Although, 6 beers was too much, in my mind, for myself, I'm focusing on how great it was that I didn't want more, and that is unusual when I run out of booze by afternoon.
And for some reason that particular beer got me more drunk than I'd normally be after 6.
I only used a small amount of weed and it really got to me too.
I had quite the private party yesterday.
Again, it was OK, and I'm trying to think and feel only positively about it.

Don't forget:
Love Is The Master Healer

When I love what arises, no matter what it is, things get better and can continue to change gooderer and gooderer!


I'm quite tapped-in now to How Much I Am Grieving over mostly FOO (family of origin) related things.

I think I need a Miracle in my life.

I Just Couldn't Be Happier!

Had that 6th gluten-free beer hours ago
With no desire for more
Then or now

<SMILEY FACE!>

Another Perfect Day

Drank that damn gf beer, only 6
Easily stopped

Later

Here's dinner!

Humanely Treated Animals hot dog, pepper jack

cheese, muenster cheese

I Found Some Delectable Gluten-Free Beer

I don't have Celiac Disease, but I do have a bit of a gluten intolerance.
This beer is "Crafted To Remove Gluten"
Amen

I Love You

I love my readers
I appreciate you very much
I am deeply grateful for you
I hope my little blog does some good in your lives

Not Ready To Keep Booze In The House Yet

Note to self! (see Title!)

My LPP Coach (see link in right margin), wrote in her Feedback to me from Module 3 that I am grieving. She is right.

I guess I have been grieving my entire life.

Well, this too shall pass --- eventually --- maybe not in this lifetime.

Big triggers for me yesterday.

But I definitely won't be bringing into the house any more alcohol than I plan on drinking for a drinking day!


As a former CultAA Nazi, that part of me is trying to berate me and beat me up mercilessly and wanting me to hate myself for drinking too much yesterday --- as if it's not quite normal --- as if most people don't do it once in a while!

I choose instead to love myself through the hangover, and compliment myself for continuing on.
I still believe I'm fully capable of changing.

Er, But, Ooops..

Then I found some tequila in my bathroom.

So now I've had the most drinks I've had in over four years   =   8

There Must Be A Reason, Angels

It's Still Early But I Know I Reached My Limit And Am Stopping :D

One bottle. Perfect. And Perfect Timing For ME. And No Desire To Get More.

This Process WORKS!!

I Love These Moments...

When I'm feeling like one of the best people on the face of the earth.

Like one of the angels that can help humanity.

Like my life has a real Divine Purpose.

Like I'm worthy just because I was born.

Like I can make a difference in other people's lives...

and my own!

Like we're all Perfect

Just The Way We Are.

Like however we are is God wanting to experience God this particular way through US.

Nice Night

One-each Red Trolley beer with Jordan while we watched Last Comic Standing.

No desire for more.

It's so reassuring to me when I can be so normal.

He'd NEVER drink with me if he didn't have confidence and faith in me and what I'm achieving with drinking.


Sure beats yesterday when I needed mass quantities of tequila to self-medicate severe low thyroid symptoms! Tequila and weed. Well, it worked. It helped. But seven drinks was too much!!!

Glad "my" normal in how I feel physically is already starting to return with the upping of my NatureThroid dose. What a difference.


Moderation Will Be Mine! More often than not!

And So, My Little Listeners...

   When you have respect for others at all times

    You know you're in control


    ....Not that anyone should expect you to be Perfect or anything! <wink>

Singing The Praises Of CBD

This stuff really is a Miracle.
Just a few tiny drops and the chronic deep achiness in my hips is Gone.
And NO HIGH.
It's great for stress, depression, etc., etc.

I wish it for everybody; and it needs to be legal everywhere.

Cool points about CBD:  Ways CBD Improves Health

My stash area. Needless to say, that's not a book! It's a stash box of a few med-weed buds. Next to it is my wonderful vape pen. And that is my beloved pipe that I bought in Berkeley over three decades ago. Believe it or not, I go easy on cannabis products; never use everyday, use lightly when I do use.

Certainly No Substances Today

What would be the point?

As Sick With Fatigue As I Am Right Now...

....Due to ME/CFS and Hashimotos and Hypothyroid, I could pass any sobriety test.

I drank three standard drinks in over four hours.

I'm done drinking for today.

I didn't drink yesterday.

I'm doing great, booze-wise.

Thanks for letting me share.


And I'm hoping and thinking this month is going to be better than the last for moderate drinking.


God Bless America

Oh Man How My FOO Is A Trigger For Me

I thought writing it out would be therapeutic, but I don't even have words for how I'm feeling right now; there are so many layers to it.

Oh, FOO = family of origin.

I don't need to drink over it; I have control over that; but it sure makes me want to drink!

The important thing is that I know I am being only kind, loving, and non-confrontational with them. And that I can work out my discordant feelings by myself. After all, things are mostly good between them and me now. That is, on the surface they are ONLY good now, and that is a huge change.

I Love Those People So Much. I know they love me too.