I'm following my drinking plan today

But it's much much much harder

Than I expected it to be

P.S. :)

 You wanted raw?

  This is raw!

  Me. Now.

  ....as long as you don't only want me for some kind of study   !    ;)

Oh Shelly From LPP What Have You Done To Me?!

  Paraphrasing:

  'Try this: make your 4th drink (shot) a spritzer.'

   I Am

   It Is Woooooorrking!!!*

   I bow to you!

   Spiked Kombucha, anyone?  <supreme sincere happy face!>

  P.S. A toast to Stanton Peele!!!

*In other words, I Will Be Surprised As Hell If I Have Any Sort Of Desire For Another Drink Today!

Learning Points!

I don't have to drink too much in order to choose to abs for a while!
I don't have to drink too much in order to make myself choose to abs for a while!

It's OK if I change my mind about choosing to abs!

I don't have to choose abs as a subconscious form of self punishment!

I don't have to listen to the ancient Toxic CultAA tapes in my brain about my drinking and about myself!


I have been planning to drink on the full moon for a month!
I was hasty in making that decision to do a 30!
I love drinking on a full moon, and today is a really special one!
As writer and author Judy Reeves wrote in her newsletter:

"I'm a self-confessed lunatic — moonstruck every month by the silvery light and irresistible pull of the full moon. Over the years, I've presented Blue Moon, Full Moon, Howl at the Moon, and Write with the Moon writing workshops.
   Though I'm not having a special workshop for it, I will be celebrating this Friday, July 31, during the first Blue Moon since August 2012. There won't be another until 2018.
   Scientists and astronomers may have dates and tables and calculations for the Blue Moon, (it occurs when a calendar months contains two full moons), but we lunatics know this rare appearance holds special mystery and magic. Every full moon is a time of heightened creativity, of dream work and prophecy and though each full moon calls to us, the Blue Moon holds extraordinary allure.
   So take to your notebooks and write in your wild voice, and when the time is right and the moon is high, go outside and raise your voice in a mighty howl.
   Your prompt: Under the full moon. Write for 17 minutes."

I can learn to trust myself that I won't drink more than I plan to drink!

I can learn to trust myself that I won't drive under the influence! Especially to get more booze!
Today, I gave my car keys to my daughter and told her not to give them to me until tomorrow! I simply said that my driving is scaring me today (pre-drinking), and to hold my keys for me in case I forget! My driving DID scare me this morning! It was just one of those days. She has no idea I'm a drinker again these past 2 1/2 years, and that's the way I want it and like it and need it to be for a while; for both my college daughters' sakes, and for their dad's sake too. (It's all on me and what I mistakenly taught them to believe about me and drinking over the years.)

I didn't give it careful thought before I made the decision to Do A 30.
I was basing my decision on emotions at the time?
Perhaps.
I was influenced by something I read at MM; all good, of course! But it wasn't really True for ME at this time.
I may want to do a 30 after today -- and next drink on the August full moon!

My #1 Priority is already assured for today: No Driving Under The Influence.
That automatically makes my #2 Priority a given: I Deserve A Blissful Night's Sleep!

I won't have a blissful night's sleep if I drink more than 1/2 pint of this here Camarena Silver Tequila!
I know my physiology. I know my body. I know my brain.
4 drinks is my absolute limit to insure a sweet sleep the night of a drinking day IF I start early in the day.
If I don't start drinking until evening, 3, possibly only 2 1/2 drinks is my max in order to sleep sweetly.
I am talking only about standard drinks, no more. 1.5 oz. of hard liquor = 1 standard drink.

SO
That's my story and I'm sticking with it!
Just an expression!
I'm telling the truth to myself; nothing is more important than that!

Well Now I Know. The Revelation Is Upon Me.

NAILED IT! (in that Hank Moody voice)

Figured out Why I'd been drinking so much this year!

(Yes, Shelly, it was definitely an emotional reason!)

Do I wish to elaborate?

Nope.

It's only important that I know.
It's very personal and emotional.

Feeling proud of myself
Feeling good about myself
Feeling smart
Feeling grateful I can drink but don't want to yet

LoveLoveLove

Very Excited And Confident

This begins Day 2 of my 30 Days of Abs.

I'm stoked and so ready for this.

If not for MM, I wouldn't have even thought to calculate in my mind how long it had been since I went a month without drinking. I was reading in their literature online the suggestion to do a 30 annually... and that got me counting how long I've been drinking more than once a month!

It feels really good to be a part of drinking/sobriety support groups again, I must say! It has been a lot of years.

MM is better than it used to be (last time I was in it was way back in 2000, and I left and quit drinking because of what happened with its founder, Audrey Kishline. May she rest in peace; she passed away not too long ago I am told.

HAMS is also better for me than ever before. I've been in and out of HAMS for feels like two decades.... but is probably more like 1 1/2! ;)

And LPP is knocking it out of the park for me!

I'm going to post the links to these wonderful, healing organizations to the right.

Today will be the free 30 minute coaching consultation call with Shelly from LPP. Really looking forward to that. She's been reading and reviewing my exercises through the program.


NOTE:  I LOVE LOVE LOVE knowing that I get to drink again! I'm really looking forward to it, just as much as I'm looking forward to being alcohol-free for 30 days!

When else in my life have I created this opportunity for myself? NEVER. For three decades the only time I abstained was when I made the decision for permanent abstinence. I believe I did try to abstain without that mind-set, a long time ago, and failed. I seem to have always needed to trick my mind into thinking it was sober forever in order to maintain long-term abstinence. I know that has Everything to do with AAs brainwashing. (GOD I HATE AA!!!!)(For too many reasons to count!). Clearly, I never meant it: permanent sobriety! LOL! I have been a binge drinker forever, but not no mo! Now I simply drink when I want and don't drink when I don't want! :)

Thank God for men like Kenneth Anderson of HAMS, and Stanton Peele of LPP.

Woke Up Wanting To Give Myself A Beautiful Gift

And what I want to give myself is a 30! Perhaps it's been a year since I abstained from drinking on my own for a month! It's possible it's been that long.

I hope I am really ready for this because I really could use it; body, mind, spirit.


On the heels of drinking yesterday unexpectedly, and drinking too much to boot. Seven standard drinks. Guinness Draught and tequila. Plenty of med weed.

I think it helped me face and deal with some very important, very personal feelings though. I think I nailed it! I think I got it out of my system!--the issue at hand!--regarding a very dear loved one and me.


MM calls it doing a 30. HAMSnetwork must have something in their literature about this too; and of course they'd support it. Life Process Progam (LPP) most definitely will support it, and today I hear from my personal coach for the first time, after filling out extensive self assessment exercises!

I don't have to be afraid. I'm not alone. I have a lot of support and tools to utilize.

Guess what? This will be the first time in three decades that I've done a long period of abs with the intention of continuing to be a drinker afterwards. Being the black and white thinker when it comes to drinking, I've never chosen to abstain for a period, I've only ever chosen to quit drinking forever. So, I don't even know if I can do this this new way!

HOWEVER, in 2013 and 2014, not part of any group, and following a year of alcohol-free on my own in 2012, I drank just once a month for many of those months! Good to remind myself of that! I didn't think of it as doing any official abstaining periods, it was just the way I wanted to drink.

OK then! I did it before and I can do it again!

Feeling Good! Hard Work And Focus Pays Off.

I slept like a baby last night.

Gosh, I love when that happens!

Will cultivate much more of this!

Not like when I have to get up six times in the night to pee due to drinking too much! (I also drink a lot of Structured Water with my booze.)

Woke up Happy again, which is my norm. :)

Feeling great about my progress in my program of learning to moderate my drinking. I definitely see and feel progress, including the biggy: feeling good about myself throughout.

I thoroughly enjoyed my abs day yesterday. I think I'll have another today!

More later.... just had coffee.... time for breakfast!

4. Make an extensive list of the problems drinking has caused you, and the benefits you expect from moderation, to strengthen your resolve.

One of my sources of help and support (I have three) is Moderation Management.

I just read this one in the Guide To Change PDF and want to answer it for myself.
"So think about areas such as: your inner feelings, relationships with others, work issues, physical health, your finances, any legal issues, and spare time or recreation."

Note: It's interesting that MM says:
"For Women: Not more than 9 drinks per week, and not more than 3 per occasion. Do not drink on more than 3-4 days per week. A pace of not more than one drink per half hour."
Because that's more than I ultimately want to drink! So, now I have to think about if I want to allow myself to drink that much for now?
I'd rather drink 4 or 5 drinks in a session than drink 3 to 4 times per week. I'd rather drink once or twice a week, 2 - 5 drinks ..... twice a week, no more than 9 drinks. I then want to taper down to once per week 1 - 5 drinks.

An Extensive List Of The Problems Drinking Has Caused Me

I'm not sure if it's in my best interests to drag up the distant past on this one? Seems that might be more damaging than helpful? And my drinking now compared to my drinking as a youth is almost like night and day. (wow! that means I have made progress!)

That being said, I think it's smart and fair to go back as far as a decade ago, just in case those problems manifest again; in other words, if I'm not careful they could.

Main problem:  drinking and driving
Second main problem:  drunk dialing (seem to be mastering this one though)
Other problems:
my health
getting the timing wrong for when it's appropriate to drink
not being emotionally available for loved ones
when drinking interferes with any plans I may have
the way I feel about myself the next day
the way I feel physically the next day
spending money I shouldn't be spending on booze

Other problem: The way I have already taught loved ones to think about me when it comes to my drinking. I didn't know any better so I taught them all I knew, which was that I was an alcoholic who could never drink again. How Are They Supposed To Think And Feel When They Think I'm Drinking Now? !


The Benefits I Expect From Moderation

Having A Balanced, Integrated Life

I Don't Know What I Was Thinking... But It's Important To Figure It Out

How many times do I gotta tell ya, you're not a normal person, you can't drink like one!*

Imaginary comment from whomever.

I'm very glad help is on the way.

I'll talk about that another time.

For now, this is me trying not to beat-up on myself for drinking a whole bottle of champagne yesterday, getting stoned on legal pot, then driving to 7-11 to buy a single-serving mini bottle of champagne! But I was so happy at the time, I wasn't even bothered by the cop car that appeared before me as if as an escort back to my house. In fact, I loved it. I felt like he was there approving my behavior. I feel he was sent by someone I love, by his higher self, to look out for me.... but this morning, of course, I don't have such a positive spin on the experience!

What if something had gone wrong? What if I had gotten arrested for drunk driving?!

That would be insane for someone who has such a minimal problem with alcohol, someone who is so Blessed that way. It just goes to show you how insidious and surprising this problem truly can be.

And I Didn't Even Drink The Whole Mini Bottle! I Only Drank Half!!! I DROVE under the influence for THAT??!!

Again, please don't let me hate on myself. LOVE is the answer. Like ALL souls, I Deserve More Love Not Less. Love is the Master Healer. I will love myself through this and I will love myself into changing.

Because, otherwise, my private party was a blast!
Sobriety is a blast for me too, and I will cultivate more of it.

     *A normal person can and does drink a bottle of champagne or wine whenever they please.

post script

I'm extremely Proud of myself today!

I'm extremely proud of my ease-of-ability in limiting the amount of alcohol I drink!

More coming....

This Is IT, Folks!

This is my sincerest most dedicated attempt to learn to Master Control over alcohol. (And to fully deprogram from CultAAs brainwashing about drinking; because they are dead wrong on so many levels, because over the decades they caused me much more harm than good, because they embedded in my subconscious a deep lie about myself and my drinking, and because they have caused thousands of suicides through their erroneous, dangerous beliefs and thinking.)

I have Very Good new help and support in this fantastic journey, which I will blog about as I go along.

Today:

I'm desiring to drink even though I planned to wait until Friday to drink. On a scale of 1 - 10 the desire is a 5. I created this blog as a way to talk myself through things like this. I have good online forums for this as well. A personal drinking diary feels like a must-have right now.

The reason I want to drink today is because we have no plans and it's a lazy Sunday. I'm stuck inside on this hot day. I simply want to Play, to Party, to have Fun. To Relax. To alter my consciousness.

The trick is that I want to limit how much I drink. I'm very health conscious. I've been drinking every-other day or even a bit more often the past week or so. This is definitely a phase, but with alcohol I have to be careful it doesn't escalate; it can so easily get out of control.

I also have to keep my drinking a secret from my little family. That is a story in itself. It's mostly to protect them, but it's also because I seem to maintain better moderation when drinking is My Secret.

For me, even four standard drinks is a lot, and is usually too much.

Compared to everyone else I know with a drinking problem, I drink practically nothing. I'm very Blessed, and I know it. Everyone is different, everyone's physiology is different.

So, to drink or not to drink, that is the question!

No doubt I'd feel better about myself if I stuck to my Plan, but I'm still so new at this I don't even really know how to plan when it comes to drinking.

The ONLY Plan that I MUST adhere to is No Drinking And Driving!!!!  AMEN!!!

That means if I run out of booze and want more, I don't get to get more and I have to ride-out the feelings. That is hard to do when your judgment is impaired!
But This One Is A No-Brainer!!!

I can feel within me that I could quite easily choose not to drink today if I wanted to. That's because alcohol is not an addiction, it's a weakness.

I think I'm going to drink. OK, what should I drink? A 1/2 pint of white tequila is four standard shots. Or I could get three craft beers. Or three individual servings of wine. But the truth is, I know I want four drinks today. More than that and I will definitely suffer later.

Later: Just bought this:



Love this champagne. Haven't had it for a while. A bottle equals 5 standard drinks of 5 oz. each. I'm hoping I will want to pour one of them down the drain. I'll survive sleep-time tonight much better if I do.

I'm also going to curb my use of legal medicinal cannabis today. The last time I used it I got too high and that was a first. I don't use much as it is, of course. But it's super easy for me to control my use of.