I Hate To Repeat Myself, But

Happiness

And

Balance

(and moderation)

Are 

Holding!

I guess, in other words,

Tell your truth!

(One moral of the story)

P.S.

I didn't even mention that all this light drinking and abstaining happened without the help of my med-weed products!

Just sayin'! For the record!

May The Curse Be Broken !

The day after I snail-mailed the following letter to my ex-mother, ex-sister, and ex-brother (ex-father is deceased), I've been alternating, effortlessly and easily and enjoyably, between 0 drinks and 2 drinks; every other day; 0 one day, 2 the next; four days in a row now. That is quite a change from 6 - 8 drinks and only one or two abstinence days a week; for the past few weeks.

It feels appropriate to call it a "curse" that's lifted.

And Thanksgiving was sooo much fun with my little family. The four of us Love spending time together, especially on Christmas and Thanksgiving. : )  Yummy, healthy eats, then in the evening we watched the final Lord of the Rings movie while each sipping on a margarita; my first attempt at making those. Then cherry pie. (One margarita = 3 oz. of tequila = 2 shots/drinks. I didn't use triple sec, I used agave nectar.)

I really do feel like something major has shifted or lifted from my being and I feel happy and at peace again at long last. Now THATs some Powerful Writing! Here's the letter, snail-mailed inside my beautiful hand-made mandala cards for healing. A copy of the picture of my FOO (family of origin) and me was included.
____________________________________________________

11/21/15

May You Be Blessed. May You Be Healed.

Dear FOO (family of origin) ~

            For what it's worth, I feel compelled to write you this letter. There's absolutely nothing more important than family; whether that be birth family or extended family. Our story is a tragic one, that is, for me it is. The emotional suffering I am experiencing is unbearable and the worst pain I have ever known. To have your mother (and the rest of you, and all your relatives) turn her back on you, minimize the abuse by my father, deny the abuse by her, and call me crazy because of what ALL of it did to me...  How Does A Person Live With This ??? Richard says NO mother would turn her back on her child if she loved her.

            Profound, healing books, such as the one I've been begging you all to read for decades, "The Courage To Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, as well as many other books about abuse, as well as every therapist I've ever talked to, say that THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR A PARENT TO MINIMIZE OR DENY ANY ABUSE OF HER CHILD. And so, that is where are left, for that is exactly what is happening to me. And, dear souls, that ain't love.

            I just needed to get this out of me and onto you where it belongs.

From my book:

“We forgive by letting go of blame and opening to the pain we have tried to push away.”

   ~  Tara Brach

And:

"We are told"..."that until we forgive we will never heal. We forget that forgiveness is a grieving process that often includes the expression and release of negative emotions, especially disappointment and anger. It's no use trying to avoid these painful feelings. Forgiveness that is insincere, forced, or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness and rage." ~ Sharon Salzberg.

            This is where I'm at. My goal, my desire, my intention has never wavered my entire life: Only to bring Truth, Communication, Forgiveness, Healing, and Understanding to my FOO and me.

            You've finally gotten through to me by finally showing me your true colors; that that is NEVER EVER going to happen. So, I will continue working on healing my life, and on forgiveness, as an orphan.

            You are not welcome to contact any of us again unless it's to (also from my book):

·         Own your “stuff”

·         Validate the person’s feelings

·         Explain to understanding

·         Apologize when needed

            I am readily and easily willing and able to own "my" stuff; to take responsibility for my mistakes and actions, to apologize and all the rest of it --- always have been always will be. That's another way I am completely different from all of you.

           

Thank you for showing me what I was never meant to become.

Thank you for teaching me what I am strong enough to survive.

More Incentive For Me To Not OverDrink

Being old and being sick means drinking too much is causing me a lot of hip pain. Must be arthritis or ME/CFS----but the bottom line is it's INFLAMMATION.

I just know that when I truly move past this drinking-too-much phase, the hip pain will subside.

There is a personal news update that suggests good reason to believe I will regain control of my life again. It has to do with Matt's favorite meditation, "Let Life Win." Let life win and you are free.

I can't talk about it yet, and I'll explain why after Thanksgiving. But the steps I'm taking are making my loved ones even more proud of me.

So, on another topic, I wonder if I'll need to take a hiatus from drinking to heal the hip pain, or if drinking only 0 - 4 in a day will do the trick?

I haven't been ready/able to drink that little (except for the abs days I still do) all the time; in fact, most of the days I drink I go overboard even by as much as 8 drinks; but not as often as I was prior to my last post.

I don't know about other people, but I must need it for now. The emotional pain I've been going through has been unfathomable and unbearable; I've been deeply, deeply suffering because of my FOO (family of origin). The things I learned this year... OMG.... the level of abuse... and of their minimizing it or denying it... OMG. My entire central nervous system is SHOT TO HELL.

But I know time will heal this to a great degree now that they are out of my life again.
I also know everything that happens to me is designed to grow me spiritually.

I'm aware, very aware, that the holiday season is going to be HARD for me, especially given that childhood memories of Christmas were so happy, same with Thanksgiving.

It's Getting Better Again !

(but gosh does Dairy Queen cannabis stink!)

I am uplifted by the power of Love
And despite Unbearable emotional pain at the hands of my misguided family of origin
And despite my heart trying to have a heart-attack on a daily basis
And despite my using alcohol and cannabis to Save my heart
And despite my wanting to Die from heartbreak
And despite my wanting to numb-out and escape to the highest degree

I Am Improving

I Am Lessening My Substance Use

And I Am Drinking More Structured Water

PROGRESS Happens!
Self Love Happens!
Self Care Happens!

LIFE Happens!

"Let life win." ~ Matt Kahn

Thankful I Didn't Give Up On Drinking, Otherwise I Would Have To Give Up CBD Tincture!

CBD Tincture is preserved in alcohol, and if I quit drinking, using it would trigger me to drink. But as a drinker, I can use CBD tincture and NOT be triggered to drink! Like right now! I'm having sooo much anxiety and shortness of breath over my mother turning her back on me because she can't/won't face the truth of her abuse of me, that I often get scared I'll have a heart-attack. I didn't want to drink today, so took just seven drops of this good stuff, and my anxiety went away and I feel normal, not high. : )

How Do You NOT Drink When The Stress Is SO Bad It Could Give You A Heart Attack??

How many times this year did drinking SAVE me from having a heart attack!

http://judyactonayala.blogspot.com/2015/11/how-do-you-live-with-something-like-this.html

EVERYTHING CHANGED OVERNIGHT

I am CHOSEN to live an alcohol-free life.

I can't explain it.

It's just something I know.

More later....

Having A Debate With Myself About Breaking My Commitment

I very much enjoyed abstaining from drinking (and cannabis too) yesterday. : )

I really want to drink moderately today. I really want four standard drinks. I want vodka, that I can mix 1 oz. at a time in a bunch of structured water, and drink slowly over the hours. There are four standard drinks in a half pint of vodka---four 1 1/2 oz. shots. Six 1 oz. shots (equaling four standard drinks) over many hours in water is a really good way to moderate; get a desired buzz; to not get drunk; to just enjoy drinking. And to stay Hydrated. I've done this MANY times in the past three years. I already KNOW I'm a moderate drinker. I don't have to PROVE it to myself by abstaining for two weeks before drinking again. I have also MANY times only drunk one or two drinks on days I drank.

WHY did I make this commitment again not to drink until Thanksgiving??

Is it OK to break that commitment??

Is there any real reason not to break it?

How will I feel about myself if I break it?

How will others feel about me?

I'm certainly not going to lie. I'm certainly not going to hide it. Those days are gone for good, and I am so blessed and grateful and brilliant for that!

It's so important to remember to love yourself and to compliment yourself about everything. LOVE is the Master Healer. It's equally important to be honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings.

So, why DID I make that commitment yesterday? Let's see, it seemed like my only solution in the moment of a bad hangover and bad habit lately of drinking too much. It seemed like an act of self love and love for others to make that commitment. It made a lot of sense and it felt really right and good.

I've also learned lately that it is very healthy, smart, and good to have long conversations with yourself about things; it's not the sign of weakness, it's the sign of strength. In CultAA they brainwashed me into believing that having conversations with myself about drinking meant I was a hopeless alcoholic. That's another example of how they accidentally did damage to me (and countless others).

I had TONS of conversations with myself about sugar, and it took two or three years to finally limit or abstain from sugar intake permanently! I've been moderating or abstaining from consuming sugar for, I'd guess, four years now? I'll never ever go back to consuming too much sugar on a regular basis (I do occasionally over-indulge, of course): thanks in part to NEVER giving up eating sugar!! And never giving up those long conversations with myself about eating it (and reading and researching)!

I've been a MOSTLY Moderate drinker for nearly three years!!! I KNOW I can switch back to moderate drinking at will. That is, I HAVE to believe that. I had not been ready to return to moderate drinking because of how getting drunk was legitimately serving me in a time of Great Need. But now, getting drunk is NOT serving me anymore, and it IS hurting me.

If I change my mind about not drinking until Thanksgiving, it's NOT about Justifying bad actions, it's about honoring my path and LOVING MYSELF No Matter What.

If I LEARN that I'm NOT yet ready to drink moderately again, I will REEVALUATE.

Why Do I Feel So Guilty Though??
Because I'm NORMAL, that's why!
Anyone should feel some guilt over breaking a commitment!

Made A Commitment Not To Drink Until Thanksgiving

I'm not going to lie, it's not going to be easy not to drink until then!
But I'm going to do it anyway.
I've gotten into a very bad habit of getting drunk every time I drink, which is almost everyday lately.
I'm in the deepest emotional pain of my life over my so-called mother and the rest of my family of origin, whom I now know for sure I'll NEVER be able to achieve healing and reunion with.
Drinking has been a great escape, but it's probably killing me.
I need a break from alcohol so I can resume moderate drinking. That is sobriety to me: moderation and abstinence days.
My little family and I are looking forward to Thanksgiving together, yummy eats, perhaps margaritas, and perhaps games or a movie or a walk in the park. : D
I had to ask friends how to make a margarita! Cuz I drink my tequila mixed with structured water only!

Something Needs To Be Addressed

I Don't Know What It Is

All I know is that when I address it
And FeelDealHeal

I will feel better

On a side note: not sure I'm liking this Berry White strain today.
It's one of those hit-or-miss things, I've discovered; knowing which strain to toke.
Other times I've mostly enjoyed it

I Do Want To Drink Today But It's Incredibly Important To Me To Moderate

This self-destructive over-drinking binge needs to be over now.
It was easy for me to have a substance-free day yesterday.
That's a very good sign.
If I choose to drink today, I will heed Shelly's words in my previous post.

How Cool. Look What My LPP Coach Said.

She NAILED it. I saw her message after I posted my previous post about needing to stop killing myself over my fucked-up and not worth it FOO (family of origin). She wrote it yesterday; I just saw it this morning after posting on my blog.

(Life Process Program (LPP) link in right margin.)

From Wonderful Shelly:

Dear Jaya, I can feel your pain through your writing. I received a word of knowledge on you today but I dont entirely know what it means. Jaya, something about your FOO, when you get too close to their energy, it somehow gets you to fall out of what Id like to call your control zone--healthy moderate drinking. A 15 min time out-reset is essential for you because I want to work on recommitting to that goal of slowing your thought cycle and body down. Somewhere along the line, you cross over into a shaming mindset when your body knows its had too much. The truth of the matter is Jaya--that you DONT have to spend the rest of your life recovering when it is possible to reprogram your thinking back to a time before you ever had your first drink of alcohol. I want you to reflect on this for me. Ideas for adopting a weekly mantra to use is something i want you to think about. Some ideas would be--I am in control; I am nurturing my authentic self; I am living a life of passion and purpose; my body is a temple of goodness and truth; I will live my truth. Think about the new identity you are wanting to accept and take on and use that as inspiration. I think the #1 acceptance that you need right now, Jaya, is not the fleeting and artificial acceptance of others, but the true acceptance of yourself --my hunch is that you havent accepted the new you yet because you havent let go of the old you. Be true to yourself and those who love you and are stellar companions and friendships to have, will embrace that. The ones that dont, have just made your quest for truth in all realms that much easier. It is a new season in your life and as long as we can get your heart and mind in tandem on the same page, you will discover a peace and happiness that over drinking or emotional drinking cannot bring. The sweet spot is moderation and being in control with the battlefield of the mind.

Shelly

I Can't Live Like This Anymore

http://judyactonayala.blogspot.com/2015/11/woke-up-with-mantra-i-cant-live-like.html

On A New Kind Of A Roll

No distractions, please

Wiser

Kinder

Happier

Opener (heehee, great word for More Open)

Lovelier

Kinder (again)

Smarter

More Self-Loving

More Forgiving

More Honest

More Truthful

More Forthright

   Are You Getting My Drift, Healers Of The World?  Mutual Healers, To Be Sure!

Come As You Are
Do As You Wish
Stay As Long As You Like

Yep, It Gets Worse...

...Before it will inevitably get better, because That's How Life Rolls !

DEEPEST EMOTIONAL PAIN I'VE EVER BEEN THROUGH

Don't wish to elaborate yet

Simply grateful that MY DRINKING has remained under control and even still with abstinent days


To Be Continued