An Under-Appreciated Feel-Good Movie Worth Seeing

The Magic Of Belle Isle

Morgan Freeman, Virginia Madsen, and some really cool kids!

"A single woman and her daughters help an alcoholic writer find his muse again."

Drinking Does Indeed Release My Creative Writing

Now my interest in writing a screenplay is reignited.

I think I might actually run with it, out of sheer passion and enjoyment.

          (Didn't use substances yesterday. Am drinking tequila and Structured Water today.)

I want to write a fiction, a Dramedy (drama comedy) about a woman who thinks her husband is gay.

I think this poor bloke is going to be a poser even unto himself. (Is that a thing??)


I started getting into screenwriting over a decade ago, but got distracted.

I love writing dialogue.

This could be fun. :D  As well as cathartic. :D

Well, When Your Heart Hurts You May Tend To Drink Too Much

I love my FOO (family of origin). It has been a very rocky road for me to be a member of my FOO though.

It's a very long story, and the subject of my little memoir that I wrote. The focus is on healing and forgiveness.

In order for me to have welcomed them back into my life earlier this year, I had to do a lot of spiritual and personal healing. But once I learned I could resolve soul contracts on my own without the participation of unwilling personalities, I was indeed able to then end my orphan status; the status I felt I had no choice but to choose over the years.

Since April our connection has been sporadic but always pleasant and loving. I'm grateful for that. Love is the only thing that's real, and it's clear they love me and I love them. I've been nuthin but a love bug to them since our reunion, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel hurt by them. It just is what it is. I know now it does no good and only makes matters worse to try to communicate about any sort of discordant energy or feelings.

I want to give it a lot more time. With time, maybe they'll contact me more often; one member, my brother, never contacts me at all. My FOO all moved to Washington state ages ago, and I remain in California. Yesterday my mom called because she, frankly, had nothing better to do. That was pretty obvious to me given the circumstances at the time, although nothing of the sort was implied. It Hurt Like Hell....

No Wonder I Ended Up Drinking Five Drinks Yesterday, instead of the planned-on three or four. Even the universe couldn't help me moderate!

Nonetheless, I still enjoyed the beautiful full moon!

The problem is, I suffered physically in the night because of those extra glasses of wine.
A huge difference for me is that I'm not beating myself up for it, nor am I blaming anyone.

A Spiritual Practice That Is Helping My Drinking Plan

Simple Honesty with myself
Honesty and Self Love are Soulmates
Confessing "I don't know...." to the universe allows the universe to step-in and do it for me
"I don't know how to drink only moderately"
The next thing I know
I'm magically drinking very lightly
Like yesterday's drinking only two drinks
Effortlessly and with Great Ease and Enjoyment
Will definitely keep this practice up
Thank you, Beloved Matt Kahn                     video:  The Eternal Invitation - By Matt Kahn

"I don't know how to never drink more than four drinks"
"I don't know how to fully deprogram from Cult AA"
"..."

The Perfect Drinking Experience Arrived!

Super
Slow
Easy
Sipping
Structured Water
Almost
All
Day
Long
With
A
Tiny
Amount
Of
White
Tequila
In
Each
Water
Bottle
Refill
Totaling
Two
Standard
Shots
Of
Alcohol
For
The
Whole
Day
!

And no cannabis today.

Can You Say R E L A X I N G ? !

(I will still never want to drink booze [or smoke pot] every day! Never have, never will. Not even this way!) :D

About CultAA Causing Suicides

First off, you can read some sobering facts at the sites I posted in the right margin about CultAA.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of members have killed themselves.

I call it "CultAA" for good reason, too, but that's another story.


When I was immersed in the Cult off and on over the decades I heard tragic tale after tragic tale about another suicide having happened by a member.

We hung our heads and probably did two things: Felt deeply saddened and sorry for the person and their loved ones, and...
Strengthened our resolve to STAY in AA and never drink again so it wouldn't happen to us.

And we were all Terrified of Alcohol. We completely demonized it.

Off the top of my head, what does CultAA do to cause suicides?:

• They tell you you are Powerless
• They teach you that if you can't grasp their simple program there is something wrong with you
• They tell you how to think and what to think, and to not trust yourself
• They pound it into you that you need to be dependent on them for life, or else you're doomed
• They convince you that if you ever drink again you will die or go insane or go to jail
• And this one really rips a person's soul and self-esteem out: Say, as in the case of dear Robin Williams, you have 20 years alcohol-free and then you drink? CultAA makes you START ALL OVER AS A NEWCOMER and you have to start at DAY 1, completely wiping out all that phenomenal sobriety as if it never happened  --- And that is true whether you only drank one drink, or you went on a binge

THINK about that. THINK about what that would do to a person's feelings about themself! 

Also, personally speaking, because of their brainwashing it made my drinking problem much worse than it ever would have been. I wasn't even an alcoholic, but I deeply believed I was, and a "slip" would always become a "binge" and would always be very self-destructive.

I'm Doing Great And I Know I Can Do Better

I know that teetotalers don't live as long as moderate drinkers,

And I know that drinking up to 35 drinks a week is still healthier than being a non-drinker; and that such drinkers tend to live longer than non-drinkers. But I don't drink nearly that many drinks in a week.

I also know that for me, if I have 5 standard drinks, I'll usually get symptoms in the night that I think must be affecting my heart health?

Like waves of anxiety followed by waves of my heart racing, and lots of waves of sweating too.

I'm going to look into this and post again about it.

A Simple Shout-Out For Booze!

Booze is to be Revered

Revered!

Not Abused.

Revered.

Appreciated

For the GodGoddess that it is!


Let's turn it around, humans.

Let's stop abusing alcoholic beverages.

Let's start honoring alcohol for its True Power.

MODERATION Is King
MODERATION Is Everything

That GodGoddess Booze Deserves
In Order To Serve Us

WAKE UP TO THE TRUTH !

The Reason LPP (link in right margin) Is Successful

It focuses solely on YOU; it is completely individualized to meet your particular needs.

LPP doesn't focus on your life traumas, it's about believing and seeing how rewarding your life will be without the addiction (or weakness, as I prefer to call it).

It puts you deeply in touch with your own values and motivations through thorough self-reflection.

There are 8 Modules. I'm just starting Module 4. I get to go at my own pace.
When I finish a Module, I receive feedback from my coach on my responses.

There's also plenty of one-on-one messaging with my coach.

I benefit a lot from Stanton Peele's (the founder) videos and writings in each Module as well.

FYI, I'm not affiliated with LPP in any way.

Here Is A Tiny Example Of One Of The Exercises in LPP (link in right margin)

Exercise 3.6 - Visualization

We have been discussing generating positive thoughts, verbalizations, and self-talk. But the mind does not operate through words alone. In fact, most mental activity is visual, sensory, or impressionistic—which is why your dreams never make total sense as narratives.

Now that you’ve become your own CBT therapist, you can now become a sports psychologist. They often tell athletes to envision successful outcomes—crossing the finish line first, standing on the podium accepting a medal, making a key shot in the closing minutes of the game, sinking a putt. The idea is that if you’ve seen it occur in your mind’s eye, you’ll do better when it comes to a real competition.

Likewise, positive thinking is really often better described as positive visualizing—for example, a scene that you really like imagining yourself in.

1. Visualize a scene you like. Write about it.

I can see myself never feeling bad about being an alcohol enthusiast ever again! I can visualize myself feeling completely comfortable and confident about my drinking. I can see into the near future when I'm no longer obsessively thinking about alcohol, and when it's simply a normal, healthy part of my life like cannabis use is. I can picture myself having lots of moments of joy, fun, and relaxation with drinking. I can easily see myself being able to take it or leave it (booze), and drinking just a couple drinks with no thought for more, and no cravings for more.

The Morning After

I had such a strong emotional need to drink yesterday, I didn't even try to utilize the many tools at my disposal to not drink. I simply chose to make Sunday my drinking day instead of today, Monday.

I did switch to kombucha after 4 1/2 beers. I highly recommend doing that. Good stuff.

I'm now thinking that trying to drink only twice a week is too lofty a place to start right now as my goal. I think I'll work my way up to that. I'm planning on letting myself drink every third day if I want to.

I simply want and need to stop drinking every-other day as I had been doing. Drinking yesterday was the third day, so that's more progress.

Progress is slow, and LPP (link in right margin) told me it would be slow, so I can't berate myself.... even though it's natural for me to do so.


It's comforting knowing that drinkers live longer than non-drinkers, and that women can healthily drink 9 drinks a week. But, every woman (and man) is different, and really has to find for themselves what is best for them.


I have a doctor's appointment this morning I'm nervous about.

I hope I won't drink before Wednesday.

I got high on weed yesterday too and went a little crazy on Facebook, I think! Guess I'll find out when I log-in there today!

When You Get That Twinge Of Anxiety And Fear

That's Just Lack-Of-Self-Love Calling!

Asking For Your Undying Love And Care!

Offer Your Love To It Freely And Sincerely!

You Will Both Be Set Free!

“I don’t know any writers who don’t drink.”

― James Baldwin

Oops?

I seem to have chosen today to be my drinking day after all!

At least it's good beer! Never tried it before.

As you may have guessed, if you read my blog regularly, I don't know what I'm doing!

I'm winging it as I go!

I KNOW how lucky I am already that I don't drink more than four drinks when I drink. Very rarely, five.

GAWD how I've changed!!!

I used to put away six or seven rather regularly. EEEEESH! So glad those days are long gone!!
I truly am lucky.
Or smart.
Or both!

But this quote came along and I so appreciate it to forgive my past. I shared it before:

“Son, never trust a man who doesn’t drink because he’s probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They’re the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They’re usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they’re a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can’t trust a man who’s afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It’s damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he’s heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl.”
― James Crumley

Well, I Wanted It To Be Easy, And So Far I Got My Wish!

Well, after all, I deserve it to be easy for me to follow my drinking plan!

Don't we all? Certainly we do!
But I know fer sure I've paid my dues and dun earned it to be easy. :)

But, we shall see when the first mountain or hill arises and makes it challenging for me to switch back down to drinking only twice a week; which I haven't done since the second half of last year, or actually, probably the first third of this year.

Who's counting? I am. It's rather important. Not unlike counting calories I suppose. Not that I count calories; haven't played that game for years; I simply eat the way I want and need to now.

...occasionally overeating, like yesterday, when I was sick in my chornic illness.

WHICH may be what made it so easy not to want to drink, in part!

I haven't drank since Thursday, it's Sunday today. I've been used to drinking every-other day, and really craving that, so I'm very grateful, proud, and happy that it seems like it's going to be easy to make it to my goal of not drinking until tomorrow. After that, not until Saturday's full moon.

Really can't wait for that! I truly discovered how much fun it is for me to drink on the full moon.

Yeah! Rachel Maddow!

"I'm an alcohol enthusiast!" ~ Rachel Maddow on The Tonight Show 8/20/15 !
I'm so totally stealing that term!

My Post To HAMS, And My Plan

(see link for HAMS in right margin)

As Great As I Feel I've Been Doing, It's Time To Make And Stick To A Plan

Today, 07:15 AM

Thanks greatly to my human barometer, my oldest daughter! God Love Her! Both my girls are in college and live with me.
She's visibly upset with me and I think most of that has to do with past memories when I taught my daughters to believe I was an alcoholic, because that is what I was taught to believe about myself.
So, she's upset because she knows when I'm drinking now because I stopped hiding it. (So FREEing!) But I've been drinking every-other day on average; 3 - 4 standard drinks lately.

Given that she is upset, and given that my children have always been my barometers in life since they were born (about everything and anything  ), I Am Paying Attention To That!!

Her feelings and responses are showing me that it's time for me to make the change I have been wanting to make for a while!

So This Is IT, friends!

I AM COMMITTING TO DRINKING ONLY TWICE A WEEK.

I know it's going to be hard; I'm in such a habit of drinking so often; but since I'm NOT an alcoholic---just in an addictive habit with my weakness---of course I can do this.

I probably will have a LOT of work to do utilizing the HAMS tools, and delving deeper into the LPP (Life Process Program) --- but I say BRING IT!

I won't drink until Monday or Tuesday (today being Friday, I drank yesterday), and then not again til Saturday, the full moon! I love drinking on the full moon and am looking forward to it! 

Please wish me Luck, Strength, Determination, and Diligence!  Oh! And Willpower!

Thanks! Jaya

The Truth Is I Don't Think We Have To Confess Our Truth To Anyone But Ourselves

My blog is not a confessional to anybody but me

When I tell myself the truth about myself

I do better

In life

If telling myself the truth publicly helps another

I've done double duty

Wow. One Of The Best Quotes About Drinking I've Read

“Son, never trust a man who doesn’t drink because he’s probably a self-righteous sort, a man who thinks he knows right from wrong all the time. Some of them are good men, but in the name of goodness, they cause most of the suffering in the world. They’re the judges, the meddlers. And, son, never trust a man who drinks but refuses to get drunk. They’re usually afraid of something deep down inside, either that they’re a coward or a fool or mean and violent. You can’t trust a man who’s afraid of himself. But sometimes, son, you can trust a man who occasionally kneels before a toilet. The chances are that he is learning something about humility and his natural human foolishness, about how to survive himself. It’s damned hard for a man to take himself too seriously when he’s heaving his guts into a dirty toilet bowl.”
― James Crumley

This Really Hit The Spot Tonight

It's pretty close to my bedtime here!

So, an abs day, per my desire; alcohol-free, weed-free. Very nice.

Tonight I discovered something suspicious and unsettling with my body; a health matter.
God only knows what's going on thus far.
But, of course, it made me nervous and anxious.

Well, that's not helping my heart any!

But my thought and desire was to make myself a soothing, relaxing cup of chamomile tea.
Mmmmm, and that's exactly what I did.

Amazing how healing something so simple and pure can be. :)

I posted about it on Facebook with these pictures of the best mug on the planet! From a long-ago trip to Disneyland with my little family! And how the pictures don't do the mug justice and diminishes its colors, textures, and designs!

Then I remembered the healing magic of CBD tincture, and added a few drops to my tea.
Wow.
I'm lucky.
I don't know how many of my friends have legal access to the healing potion.

I'd never sipped it before either. I've only ever put some in a glass with an ounce of water and downed it like a shot!

I'm really onto something here tonight! The combo of the tea plus slow consumption of the CBD is perfect!
I feel so wonderfully, peacefully relaxed but not high. And I feel very happy.

Not That Addiction Isn't Serious Business

It is.
But it really can get better.
In a very loving way.

I'm So OVER It

I'm drinking today
I'm drinking early
It was just one of those days
I don't know why
But I honor myself and my choices

I've had two standard drinks in two hours
I have one more available to me here

I have No desire for more
I don't know why
Normally I would want to go get more
That is, normally until a week ago

I'm so fucking Over It

I'm so fucking Over wanting to drink more

What's happening to me?!!!!

I will tell you the truth
But it will absolutely surprise me
If I do end up wanting more
Than three today
Even though I'm apparently in a getting intoxicated mood

So...

Drinking one drink an hour when I drink is a brand new thing for me
that has taken hold brilliantly
I used to drink twice that fast

I Feel So Good About What I'm Doing -- It Must Be Right!

Not only am I actually mostly happy now about my progress, but I'm learning that I'm helping others! And I'm apparently a role model for some!

What a fun mission I'm on! I seem to be getting 50 - 100 readers a day according to the stats. :D

I deliberately chose not to have comments on my blog; it's not that kind of a blog! But people can email me via my Profile to the right if they want.

I just hoooope I don't hear from any AANazis!!! I could live very happily if I never again got accosted by another one of them this lifetime!

~~~

Yesterday's drinking experience was interesting. I suddenly started having cravings for alcohol early, around noon. I think that was the first time in a week that that happened. I have been a rather regular liquid lunch gal prior to a week ago. I loved to start drinking early in lieu of eating food, and I'd eat when I was done drinking; anywhere between, say, 4 pm. - 6 pm. I rarely drank more than 6 drinks. But for my sensitive system that's at least twice too much. More recently though, even when I started drinking early, I'd usually stop after 4 or 5 drinks.

So, my pleasure now is to only drink 2 or 3 drinks (but not everyday; I'll never be a daily drinker), and because I'm easily learning new skills through the very loving LPP (link to the right), I'm more tuned-in to my body to know what time of day I can start drinking in order to make it doable and easy for me to follow my plan.

I chose to arm wrestle my drinking cravings (per post below), and I won. I rather effortlessly delayed drinking until 4 pm. I bought a 6-pack of Fat Tire Amber Ale, enjoyed 3 cold ones in 3 hours (normal drinking), and gave the rest to Jordan when he stopped by -- to his great delight!

I'm really interested in drinking just two drinks, but yesterday just wasn't the time yet to start that?

The last three times I drank I drank three. The two times before that I drank four. And I reeeaallly hope I'm done drinking that many. I hope I'm done drinking four or five drinks like I was when I started this blog. My body suffers when I drink more than three, and my behavior is at risk of changing for the worst, which isn't fair to anybody I love, including me.

~~~

This post is getting boring; droning on and on. LOL.


When I woke up this morning, there was a very familiar twinge of fear. I slept like a baby, by the way, and I'm sure the cannabis last night helped. God Bless Cannabis! Including CBD tincture!

I try to ask my body questions. "Is this fear from the past or the present?" The answer I got was "Both."

I get to keep working on tweaking my drinking choices. Drinking more water surely helps!

My Very Cool Water Bottle:

It's Simply An Arm Wrestling Match

I had immersed myself so deeply in the beliefs of CultAA starting before my brain was even fully developed, that for the next three+ decades during struggles-with-alcohol-times, whenever I didn't want to drink but had strong cravings, I believed that I COULDN'T resist them (without going to a meeting! or calling my sponsor!) because I was POWERLESS over them. So, I usually couldn't, and drank to excess, and beat myself up mercilessly; which led to more heavy drinking the next day.

I wish I could make all the AA Nazis that have bullied me in my life understand this.
But I'd settle for helping those presently free from CultAA's clutches, but still influenced by them negatively to understand this.

But now, thanks mostly to LPP (link in right margin), I simply recognize that cravings are, well, let me share what my coach, Shelly, just wrote to me:

"Pretend that you and the drinking are in an arm wrestle match on a daily basis, and it may carry some strength to it, but yours is stronger and you are not letting your weight be taken down."

This sensible, empowering, rational, and reasonable thinking changes the entire dynamic.
I do want to point out that for me it's not a daily match, however; I don't have inclinations to drink everyday.

That's me on the left and booze on the right!:

Feeling Strong, Feeling Confident, Feeling Cured

Dunno where this (the trajectory of my drinking life) is going, but eager to find out!

Certainly didn't drink yesterday, or use any cannabis product; certainly had nooo desire to.

Can see myself only wanting two drinks instead of three next time I imbibe.

Hallelujah! I hardly even know who I am! Or how this sudden shift happened within less than one week.

I DON'T expect to be a Perfect Moderator of alcohol. I still overeat once in a while. I still eat too much sugar sporadically. That's normal.

If I'm Now A Normal Drinker This Blog Will Become Boring!

And I'm OK with that!! 

When I think about all the trouble I got into in the past with my drinking, including 5 arrests; 2 were DUIs; back when penalties weren't so severe (the 80s).... well, NOW and only now can I look at that as just crazy kid stuff, not behavior from a certifiable alcoholic who needs to be dependent on a ridiculous organization full of sociopaths to never drink again.

And then, later on in my life, much of my drinking problem was perpetuated by the belief CultAA created in me about myself. 

If that's not true, then why, at 58, am I now able to be a moderate drinker?

Stay Tuned, Folks. It ain't over til it's over!

Here's a recent example of typical AANazi behavior, written by Kenneth Anderson, founder of HAMS Network (link in right margin):

Two AA Members Walk Into This Cafe...

Naaaaiiled It! :)

Lots of people are!

And it felt so good, and healing, and healthy too.

I feel the happiest, proudest, most peaceful and accomplished I've felt yet on this journey.

I had a tiny bit of pot with my vape pen to top off the night last night.

Slept like a baby.

What A Day!

It's 5 p.m. and I'm relaxing and unwinding from a very busy, cray cray day with a first standard size glass of wine. I earned it---and the two other mini bottles I bought, which I will drink also: 3 minis of Barefoot Moscato.

It feels so good to tell the truth.
It feels so good not to have to hide my drinking anymore.
Not even from my family.
Instead of keeping the bottles in my bathroom, they are chillin' in the fridge.
I even had my 23-year-old muscle test me on one.
I completely expected my arm to go straight down; indicating a toxic match for me.
Shockingly (truly shockingly), my arm stayed strong!
What?!

I"m not playing around, folks! I'm dead serious about my drinking! And getting it honest. And getting it right.

It may or may not be challenging not to want more when I polish these off over the next few hours.
But I won't be getting more regardless.
And my amazing, supportive daughter is looking out for that too.

FUCK YOU, AA!
I'm NOT an ALCOHOLIC like you brainwashed me into believing about myself for all these decades.

AA causes hundreds if not thousands of suicides. Did you know that? (links in the right margin).
Robin Williams was no exception; they were partially to blame for his suicide. That's my very educated opinion.

LPP (link in the right margin) EMPowers people, not DEPowers people like CultAA.

If you want to hear about my day, the day that didn't even cause me to think about drinking at the most stressful parts of it; and not even for several hours after the chaos settled and I was just watching TV and waiting for a call from an exterminator, read on. The thought to drink didn't even enter my head until the very end of this long, productive day when I was ready to simply relax and unwind!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cucarachas! Cockroaches! That's how my day started!
Apparently, we have them, courtesy of my next door neighbor from hell. And one landed on my chest early this morning that was hiding in the roll of toilet paper I grabbed from under my bathroom sink!
I didn't even scream. I was half asleep in the darkness. I felt something and exclaimed "What's That?!" while swiping at whatever it was! Lights on. Almost wide awake now. Three inch American  (as opposed to other species' of cockroaches). I smashed it with the butt wipes container. That's the fourth big bugger I've seen in our house in two weeks.

So much more happened this morning. Oh my gosh, it put an ME/CFS patient to the test; it pushed me to my limit; which can be dangerous for us.

I guess I really don't want to drone on. I hate long blog posts! So that's all you need to know about my day!

What Will Today Bring, I Wonder?

Love this one. From one of my LPP exercises. (Link to LPP in the right margin): 

Exercise 3.3 - More Skills at Managing Thinking

1. Think about a negative topic that has the ability to depress you. Now, quickly switch to a positive thought, image, or memory that never fails to put you in a good mood. Switching to this positive thought is like turning on a switch. Knowing how to do so—practicing doing it—is a skill. Describe your experience.

Wow. This is a rather profound exercise for me. I'm the type that when a negative thought and feeling come to me, I lock-on to it, thinking I need to sit with it and be with it until it passes on its own, or something happens in my environment to change my mood. Deliberately switching to a positive thought/feeling in the midst of feeling so sad and bad was very interesting.

It's morning, and I haven't even had my coffee yet. The first thing I wanted to do was to come here and work on my LPP. (blog readers, link in right margin.) I'm already feeling bad, you see. I'm feeling bad about myself as a drinker, and I didn't even drink yesterday, but I fear I will want to today; when I don't really want to today. Because a bigger part of me feels like I've lost some interest in drinking! I'm actually excited about that, and think it's a very healthy sign!

But my body is still feeling burned-out by all the drinking I have done this year. I'm feeling really down, and I know it's from the alcohol's effects on my brain/gut, as much or more as how drinking is effecting me psychologically. I Want To Be Free of alcohol's clutches; not in an all or nothing way ever again; in a safe, healthy, normal drinker kind of way.

So, thinking about the negative aspects regarding my drinking and worrying about whether I'll ever be how I want to be easily makes me depressed right now. I then immediately switched my thoughts to being back in Big Basin in the redwoods with my family, and felt instant peace and joy. I forgot to mention it in my earlier comment, but that sacred place is my go-to-happy-place now. I watch the slide show of pictures we took every day on my laptop. :D

However, those warm fuzzy feelings didn't last long and the sadness took over again. I'm in a precarious place this day because I'm Ready to Improve my drinking habits starting TODAY. I've been drinking every-other day for a few weeks, and I want to only drink twice a week.... I truly want to only drink once a week, but don't see that as a realistic place to start; I don't see myself realistically as being there yet, so I'm trying to give myself a break here by planning realistically.

The last time I drank I stuck with my plan, but it was hard, but I felt happy and proud the next morning (yesterday morning), but it was still Too Much Booze. 4 standard drinks was too much, but I didn't succumb to more when I wanted one more!!

I'm now starting to notice that the accumulated use of booze and pot are causing more short-term memory problems. That's not OK with me. And my demeanor is changing and becoming discordant at times when it normally wouldn't.

I'm really ready and wanting to up the game now. Can I Do It? <she asked herself sternly>

Progress Rocks! I Want It To Get Better Faster Though.

I'm following my plan but still drinking too much for me.

For one thing I value a good night's sleep above almost anything. I'm now a really good sleeper, which is a rare gift for an ME/CFS patient.

Those 4 standard drinks, with lots of Structured Water, even though I stopped drinking hours before bedtime, were too much and disrupted my sleep.
I hate getting up many times in the night to pee!
I don't like feeling negatively affected by alcohol in any way.

My ideal at this time would be to drink once a week, moderately.
I'm still like a kid in a candy store when it comes to "getting" to drink, "getting" to be a drinker, and testing my limits, so I think the best I can shoot for right now is drinking twice a week.

It's going to be hard to get back to that, I'm telling you.
But when I'm successful at not drinking more drinks in a day than I planned, the battle is half won.
(Still remembering how long it took me to shake the sugar habit, so this will take time too.)

But I'm also telling you that I'm changing for the better.
And LPP (link to the right), as well as my super honesty, especially to myself, is doing wonders.

One of the biggest miracles I'm receiving right now is having released that all or nothing thinking,
"I'll never drink again!!!" or "I can't drink!"

Just that miracle alone has already made it easier to drink more moderately.

I'm Not Going To Lie

I'm having kinda a hard time simply sitting with my feelings right now

And not driving to the store to get 1 shot (mini bottle) of white tequila.

I simply want one more drink; a fifth standard drink.


I won't succumb to the emotions though!

I will SIT with the emotions instead

Because drinking more is Absolutely NOT what I (the real me) really wants!

WOOT!

Another Victory!

My Bedroom Mirror

  1/2 pint of white tequila suits me perfectly.

  I don't need more than that no mo.

  I'm thinking..... every-other day??

  For now.

  If that is the truth

  It will change soon.

  I'll be wanting less and less alcohol

  Less and less often.

  Wait And See !  :D

It Feels Soooooo GOOD To Be DONE Drinking For The Day!!!

I chose to drink moderately!

It is ENTIRELY taking!

4 drinks.

White tequila.

I hear it is the only booze that doesn't convert to sugar (?)

And now

Simply legal medical cannabis products!

I
Am
Feeling
Very
Happy

And
Proud

And
Grateful To All That Is

What Do I Want?, you ask?

Nothing much,

Just

To Set The WORLD On Fire!

This is how I'm feeling today, so I want to cultivate that!

When I reflect on how far I've come in my life, I'm reminded how Possible my goal to become a consistently moderate drinker really is.

But that it does take time.

It took me Years to conquer sugar and food and coffee and gluten. But I did it, and I've remained Healed (moderate) for many years. I did all that on my own.

When I think what I accomplished with alcohol all on my own in 2013 and 2014, I really ought to be astounded. I drank just once a month, sometimes twice.

And now I'm doing the LPP program (link in right margin). I've only completed two out of 8 modules, and I'm already feeling the transformative impact of it. The last module was about Values and the next one is about Motivation.

I'm starting to think that no matter what the odds are against a 58-year-old woman with a long history of alcohol abuse are, I Will Beat Them.

I know LPP has an 80% success rate, but I don't yet know the break down (age/gender/length of problem.)

The Only Way To Do Is To Do It. The Only Way Through It Is Through It.

I'm proud of myself this morning and feeling confident, excited, and hopeful.

I think I believe in myself again!

And when I remember to think expectantly about sitting with my feelings while I follow my drinking plan, it's almost fun.

In other words it's like, "YAY!! I Get To Sit With All My Feelings!" "HURRAY!" :D

I'm not going to drink outside my plan this week -- that is, I'm certainly not intending to, so it's my pleasure and honor to sit with every single feeling as if they were children needing my loving attention.

And watching things like this doesn't hurt!: Matt and Teal Chat

Links Now Posted In Right Margin About CultAA

I'm not alone in being Harmed by CultAA the three decades I was in and out of it.

I hope the links help others.

It's Important To My Healing To Abolish My All Or Nothing Thinking, I Think

I'm working hard on this.

But this morning I've tapped-into the really deep reason I've been "killing myself with alcohol" lately. So, yeah, a break-through. Something I've been trying to deny, hide from, not face. Well, now I know.

My next plan of action? To stop drinking for a while and heal some things. I've got extra help from Jordan and I'm going back to my psychologist, the wonderful Dr. Z.

OK, now more than ever, PLEASE let this be me:

I Don't Know What To Tell You

What can I say?!

I   Love   To   Drink!

I Know there's a happy medium!

Moderation IS King!
Moderation IS Everything!

Uh Oh!

I just finished my 1/2 pint of white tequila (possibly the only booze that doesn't convert to sugar)... Now What?!

It's 5 p.m.

Let's see if I think I need to somehow score some more.

To Be Continued

OK, Good Decision

With the help of my bff, Jordan, my separated husband, I was reminded that I do have control over alcohol, despite how strong my cravings are.

With his coaching over the phone, I decided not to demonize myself for wanting to drink, first of all.
Then, I decided to employ a tactic suggested to me by my LPP coach, Shelly (link to the right), and eat some food as a method to drink moderately.

It's so brilliant I don't know why I didn't think of it myself!

I simply never eat when I'm drinking, that's why. I drink in lieu of eating, and eat only when I've had my fill of booze.

So, I just ate some organic chicken and non-GMO gluten-free pizza. Jordan will bring me a 1/2 pint of tequila when he comes over in a bit; employing another technique: delaying drinking.

I already feel better, much, much better, and happy, and proud, and excited to try this.

OK, back to watching the new season of Project Runway on my DVR...

Hopefully!:

Thinking About Drinking

It's not a surprise that I'm wanting to drink today. Not only am I already in the habit of drinking every-other day, or sometimes every day, for the past several weeks or whatever it's been... longer? Or before that it was once or twice a week... it FEELS like it's been forever though that I've been drinking so often.

Then, let's take a look at my life, shall we? If you had my life you'd want to drink too.

To begin with, I'm so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired. And bored. And basically helpless to do anything about it. And I take no meds like everybody else does with my illnesses. So, for me, I can think of booze as my meds, and I just want my meds so I can feel better.

YOU try living your life sitting in bed and see how YOU feel.

I do everything right: I eat very healthy and organic and light, I'm super low sugar and carbs, I drink a LOT of hydrating Structured Water, I only drink 8 oz. of coffee a day, I get the light exercise my disease will allow, I do my spiritual work, I do my creative work, I earn pocket change from an ebay business I created that helps people, I take care of my family and my house (and have help from a house cleaner once a month, God Love Him), I'm frugal about shopping, I pay my bills on time, I give so much love and support to people on social media and whom I see out in the world, I've always been a really good mom, ....I'm just this overall really good person, yo!

I feel like I'm gonna go out of my freakin' mind if I have to keep sitting on this bed and watch TV! Even quality TV SUCKS when it's all you can do. I can't read for very long due to my disease, which effects my concentration, or makes me too fatigued.

DRINKING takes me on VACATION and FREES ME from this PRISON.

My girls are in college and don't need me much and live their own lives and are not adversely affected by my drinking. They only get effected when I impose myself on them, which I RARELY EVER do when I'm drinking.

I WANT to drink. But I have to THINK hard about this first.


I need to KNOW that I will MODERATE my drinking.
I need to KNOW that it's truly in my best interests to drink.

I'd RATHER Go Outside And Do Something Fun And Relaxing!!!
Most of the time my body won't let me. Can't you understand that??!!!
Or if it's too hot, all bets are off; I can't "do" heat.

If I drink I'll probably make myself sick in the night and I don't want to make myself sick.
I'm ALREADY sick. All I want to do is make myself feel BETTER not worse.
And I DEFINITELY don't want to further impair my already impaired immune system, yo!

According to Guidelines of Whoever, I can feel good about drinking up to 9 drinks a week, three days a week 3 drinks. I'm changing that to two times a week so I can drink 4 one day and 5 another if I want to. Five drinks is equal to a mere bottle of wine. WHAT NORMAL DRINKER DOESN'T DRINK A BOTTLE OF WINE??!! NONE that I know of!!! ALL normal drinkers I know of drink a bottle of wine at times, even rather often!!!

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR THAT I DON'T GET TO DO THAT TOO!!!!



I'll let you know what I decide...

I Think I May Have Had My Aha Moment

Fingers crossed, but perhaps I stumbled upon the deep Value of mine that marks the end of the binge from hell.

To be continued.

And here's to another sober day like yesterday.

Hopefully: