There's So Much To Say!

To begin with, my thoughts to myself this morning!:

I Love Myself For Telling The Whole Truth!

I Honor Myself For Telling The Whole Truth!

I Respect Myself For Not Waiting!

I Am FREE!!!

I can't elaborate on that right now though! Sorry! It's a personal matter regarding a relationship, and has nothing to do with drinking. 

And I certainly don't feel like a Loser anymore either! (Which I have felt like, but even telling myself the truth about how I really felt about that too, helped!)

And I feel it's just like The 30 Day Sobriety Solution program said (link in right margin): By getting courageously completely honest with myself, and taking BRAVE needed steps, I lifted the need for the crutch of drinking too much? At least I hope so! It sure feels that way! It sure feels like I'm on my way to that just around the corner, if I'm not already there!

Depressed But Sober

Grieving a lot. Personal matters.
Was a positive drinking experience Monday. Since then I am choosing to abstain, out of sheer desire, for many days.
I know there are readers watching me, expecting me to fail, even wanting me to fail at becoming a consistent moderate drinker (the CultAA Nazis who blatantly call me "an alcoholic in denial!").
(I should add that I can't blame my attackers because, after all, they have been brainwashed to think that way.)
But I know there are even more readers rooting for me and believing in me.
And I know I'm helping and inspiring others, just as the programs I'm in are helping and inspiring me.

St. Patrick's Day Was A Disaster!, But Since Then...

I'm doing Very Well! I was happily alcohol-free the past three days. I LOVE sobriety! That's my edge, I think; Loving sobriety helps one be a Sobrietist. (Note: Sobriety has to be defined by each person.) I love substance-free days probably more than drinking days, but I will remain an "alcohol enthusiast" to be sure. 

I'm still working my way towards my desired goal of drinking only once a week. It's just what I want and prefer and desire. But I'm choosing to drink moderately today. I'll tell you the truth tomorrow if I was successful or not. 

One thing I recognize that can't be overestimated in its importance as to why I chose to cut back on drinking rather than quit drinking is that I don't have family, etc. who demand or want me to quit drinking. If I did? I'd quit drinking! My family supports me in my journey and in my goal. They continue to do so because they are seeing great progress in me.

I'm very blessed, but it isn't being EASY to learn to consistently moderate. It's downright Horrid at times. But in honoring my commitment, and in never giving up, I am succeeding, slowly but surely!

May You Be Blessed

Jaya

Keep Up With The Positive Affirmations And Self Love

Quick Note:

They really do work: Repeating Positive Affirmations many times a day, and sending I Love Yous to your heart all the time. I have Positive Affirmations that I wrote about myself as successful Sobrietist streaming in a slide-show on my laptop, and printed-out on my wall. I read them many times a day, even when I'm not feelin' it. I say "I Love You" to my heart all the time.

Even when your ego makes you feel, "This isn't working, this is boring, this is stupid, this is useless, I'm tired of this, I don't need this," etc., Keep Going. Keep saturating your ego and your subconscious mind with Positive Affirmations and Love, until the ego quiets down, and the changes come that you want.

Keeping It 100!---Always!

Keeping It Real---Being Authentic---Telling The Truth!

I'm definitely making progress in cutting back on drinking! I decided to revise my Sobrietist's Drinking Plan this morning, after drinking yesterday unplanned. Before yesterday I had two substance-free days in a row; something I've been doing for a while.

My plan was to drink only once a week, and it still is, but I think a more realistic and practical approach for me is to taper-off until I soon reach my goal. It's been months since I had more than two 0 days in a row. So, my new plan starting today is to do three 0 days, then drink, followed by four 0 days, then a drinking day, then five 0 days, then drink, then six 0 days, then drink. And from then on drink once a week!

I've got my loving, supportive little family helping me achieve my goal.  Whatever it takes, like my plan of putting myself on lockdown! My girls can have possession of my car key, and they can inspect whatever I bring home when I shop or run errands!

I remember thinking and feeling how rather easy it would have been for me to choose not to drink yesterday and have a third 0 day in a row---but I chose to drink anyway. I'm not sure why except that I really wanted to drink. And, the beer was here so I went for it!

Jaya, 

Moderation Is King!

Moderation Is Everything!

Arriving At My Goal : D

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Low thyroid (TSH too low)
Chest pains in the night after drinking too much
A more thorough examination of how much I've actually been drinking (based on alcohol % in drinks)

These are some important reasons I'm drastically cutting back on drinking, and working my way towards drinking only once a week. ....Actually, I'm now prepared to do whatever it takes to make that my practice!

I'd been drinking more than I realized and that's cray-cray.
For example, my fav Omission gluten-free Pale Ale is actually 7 standard drinks in a 6-pack. Drat!

This calculator is easy to use to determine how many standard drinks you drink.
It's not necessary to choose from the drop-down menu if you don't require it, just type in the alcohol % number and the size of the drink to get how many standard drinks it equals.

Link: Drink Size Calculator

I chose to drink 6 standard drinks yesterday (wine) because (there's a wonderful rain storm here!!!) yesterday was the day my birth mother, whom I choose to be and need to be orphaned from, will have received the note I sent her, and it's a very painful and emotional time for me. I'll probably post about it on my other blog soon.
My TSH thyroid being so low causes added fatigue to my ME/CFS, and additionally causes depression. Alcohol is the only thing that gives me any relief.
In several weeks my TSH will be back to normal, making it much easier to LIVE, and live more alcohol-free. I'm already feeling a bit better after a week of upping my NatureThroid dose.
I'd already been having more alcohol-free days than drinking days, but I was drinking more than I knew I was drinking on drinking days! : (

I'm also still working on using healing cannabis more than alcohol on drinking days. I still don't like pot without booze first.

Quite On The Mend!

  

Game Changer --- Low Thyroid

I just learned today that my thyroid level; the TSH is very low (the lowest it's been in many years). Gosh, it was normal three months ago.

But, for some reason, during the past three months I have been forgetful about taking my second NatureThroid pill, which I take early afternoon, along with one every morning.

So, that strange err on my part, combined with drinking too much has put me into this situation.

This is good news though because it will force me to stop drinking so much. I care so much about my health. I'm so good at self-care, but I'd been overusing alcohol to self-medicate physical and emotional symptoms.

I drank yesterday, due to overwhelming depression and fatigue, a whole lot (like I was trying to keep up with the characters on the HBO series "Vinyl" or something!, which I was watching on my DVR off and on while watching the Super Tuesday election results ---- INTENSE night!) (Go Bernie! We Need You!)

I've been sooo extra fatigued lately as well as depressed, and now I know why. A very low thyroid on top of the fatigue and muscle weakness that are my constant companions from the ME/CFS---overwhelming. And just that almost constant feeling of feeling ill in general.

Alcohol and cannabis are the only things that give me relief and help me escape. There's no medical help for the ME/CFS. And I don't take meds.
I wish I could get into cannabis more because it's so healing. I just don't seem to like it unless I'm drinking?

I'm also dealing with being a tortured soul in this lifetime, but that's another story, and is in great part due to my FOO (family of origin), but not solely by any means.

Well, now I have the impetus not to cheat on my plan of drinking only once a week! I was OK about working my way up to it, expected slips. I drank just three times last week, and it was just this week that I made the new plan of just drinking once a week, on the weekends.
And knowing about my TSH will make the physical and emotional symptoms endurable without booze until I get my TSH levels back up and feel much, much better! My next lab work is early May.

And knowing just how my choices take quite a toll on my body, I ought to be able to deal with life without using alcohol as a crutch anymore! And I certainly won't be neglecting to take my second NatureThroid each day!

I'm making an appointment to talk to my psychologist. It's been many months since I've seen her. She's good at easing a tortured soul.

More Structured Water, please! : )

Open Letter To A Beloved Friend

BELIEVE ME
No One understands about being on a self-destructive path better than I do
In my 20s I was one of the most self-destructive, self-loathing people on the planet
And I still tend to be sometimes in some ways (as you know)
In other words
I Do Not Judge You
I Love You
And I only want to support you
While being honest with you at the same time
That is, while telling you the truth about what I may be feeling and thinking
I know you know what I mean <angel smile>

If ONLY the right kind of help was available to me back in the day
It could have made all the difference in the world
If ONLY I had someone in my life to guide me back when
It would have made all the difference
It really would have
Cuz love is funny that way
And you deserve more love not less
We all do

So!
There are great, free, easy-access programs and such these days
To guide us into moderation of substances
And self love

Self love is the biggy
And forgiveness too especially of self

Learning how to change our thinking
Practicing loving, forgiving, positive self-talk
Making reinforcing mantras from such

I am healing because of all these things

YOU are so young
If you start now
You will totally change the course you are on
If you want to!
And by the time you are my age
And even way earlier than that
Your life will be transformed

YOU have the Power
We ALL do for ourselves

Don't Listen To Any Voice Or Source About Yourself That Is Anything But Loving And Empowering
And When Those Discordant Voices Arise
Especially The Ones Inside Your Head
Remember They Are Only There As Part Of Your Own Innocence Begging For Your Love
Begging For Only The Love You Can Give Them