My Drinking History: Over four decades of mostly problem drinking, five drunken-related arrests in my 20s (the early 80s), of abstinence and binge-drinking, of trying moderation and usually-or-often failing, of being immersed in almost every other recovery group out there, but of being mostly sober.

Friday, October 30, 2015

I Just Can't Wait For This Current Crisis To Pass

Surely The Dark Night Of The Soul couldn't be any worse than this.
Surely that's what I'm going through.

Nonetheless, once again, it's easier to say no to more alcohol than it is to wake up in the morning feeling so sick and so scared; which is what happens when I drink too much for me.

I'm glad I'm strong enough and able enough to practice that still (if I am), and to do it now in the middle of one of the worst crises of my life. There's no emotional pain I can recall that is worse than what I'm experiencing right now.

Thank you for listening to me.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Even Though Most Of The People You Love More Than Life Itself Don't Love You...

Including your family of origin and your supposed twin soul,
It's still easy to say no to alcohol, right?
Not so much.
Not easy lately.
I'm sure it will be again.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Just Like The Last Time

Not much has changed since my last post, and I drank < 6 beers again yesterday.
But the day before that I abstained.
It feels like my life is falling apart.
Let's hope that means I'm Waking Up out of some kind of dream.
It's so hard losing people you love, especially so many all at once.
I'm abstaining again today.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

In Case Anybody's Wondering

I'm going through all kinds of personal hell (again) on different levels
And I'm getting properly drunk
And stoned
5 drinks thus far
6 will be my limit

Thank You for listening
Thank You for caring

Oh, and as always, I have the major support from my little family
But whom I am leaving out of my drama today...
That is, my daughters
Their dad knows every detail and Is So Totally On My Team

AMEN

Saturday, October 24, 2015

So Grateful

Didn't get too carried away yesterday against all odds.
Drank 5, a combo of beers and tequila.
My mods limit is 4 though.
Doing another abs day today.
Must be getting back to my groove of more abs days.
Just the way I like it.

I'm inspired by my little family and all of my readers, and I Thank You!

Tell Your Truth
Tell Your Stories



Friday, October 23, 2015

It's Really True, You Know

Surviving things makes you better and stronger, which means the simple act of surviving something brings healing to you.

Odd though, because we all know that at the same time surviving something can bring you illness and such.

I guess that's the difference between the spiritual and the physical.

But I digress.

I just wanted to say that I'm still glad I'm a drinker.
And that I have the skills to define sobriety and moderation for myself.
I really enjoyed my alcohol-free day yesterday... but now... hey!...



Thursday, October 22, 2015

Someone Triggered Me To Want To Drink Too Much Yesterday

I need to write about it so I can understand what's going on, and hopefully not repeat it.

I drank more than I want to admit, seven drinks, almost twice my limit of 0 - 4. I actually wanted one more, but had enough sense to stop!

I think I must have had a strong reaction to a conversation I had yesterday, which somewhat added to the crisis I'm already going through, and I know I'm having PTSD from all that.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself here, and forgiving of myself. I didn't do damage because of drinking and using quite a bit of cannabis, but I did do some annoying things to loved ones; just by sort of being imposing, I guess. It's not fun for people to be imposed on, even by a happy drunk, which I was.

The trigger was a pretty hard and intense conversation with someone who is so important to me, but whom I don't know for sure is going to stay in my life. Life and time changes things, you know. I love him, and I hope things work out, and I guess a good way for me to know is if I still feel triggered to drink too much when I interact with him. Right? I mean, if someone consistently drives you to drink it's time to reevaluate the relationship....

But I'm not being fair to him by saying that. I know it's not like that; I'm just feeling scared right now in general. Yesterday was the first time I told him I'm drinking again; him thinking I've been alcohol-free since the beginning of 2012. The conversation put us both back into the painful past regarding my problem drinking. No wonder I drank too much.

GOSH, these are DIFFICULT TIMES for me with personal relationships. Wow. My entire family of origin and relatives are no more to me.
I don't know what I'd do without my little family here who loves and supports me.

I drunk-dialed my mom (she's still my mom? i still want to say one more thing to her? it's hard to let go? goodbyes can take a long time?) and learned that she has blocked my phone number. Clearly, it was another of her lies all those, "Never ever give up!"

But I got through to my sister's voicemail and said, "Thank you all for showing me what I'll never become. And thank you all for showing me what I'm strong enough to survive. Goodbye."
I recognize that as a passive-aggressive move, perhaps, but still generous of me after all the abuse.

I intend for this to be the end of all contact between all of them and me.

And I think I'm going to be alright with drinking. I'm still not worried.
And I think I'm saner and more normal than I realize too.
After 58 years of being made to feel crazy and self-hatred by the family that was supposed to love and nurture me.

Horrid hangover that will last all day. Ugh.
Was supposed to go grocery shopping, but can't (hangover with ME/CFS = pretty incapacitated).
Glad to make it an abs day fer sure!

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The Drinking Is Going Well

Despite the severity of things I'm going through of late
I'm doing great keeping it moderate
With just a minor exception or two
And abs days happen too
Like on my youngest daughter's 21st birthday Friday!
Thank GodGoddessUniverse
Even though that's the day I got the most utterly shocking and devastating news ever
That my beloved cousin doesn't believe me!! about the abuse from my parents
I'm No alcoholic



Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Wow

I'm
Trusting
More
And
More
That
No
Matter
What
Happens
In
My
Life
I
Am
Going
To 
Stay 
Safe
And
Sane

What
An
Awesome
Feeling
And
Gift
And
Insight
That
Is

And
That
It
Is
Safe
For
Me
To
Have
ALL
My
Feelings


Sunday, October 18, 2015

Thanks, Kids!

My daughter and her friends indirectly taught me something last night when we all went to Stacked for her 21st birthday party dinner and drinks and dessert:

I'm Too Hard On Myself
And it stops NoW

I won't say how they taught me this; I would offend them! <wink>

So that's that!


Things get to change for me now that I've been through the final wringer with my FOO (family of origin), and I get to treat myself better than anyone has ever treated me. And I get to love myself more than anyone has ever loved me. And I get to stop judging myself and criticizing myself and ever treating myself poorly, especially when I make mistakes. I already know about myself that I own my stuff and I apologize when I err, unlike my FOO.

And as a bonus!: The more we love and respect ourselves and the better we treat ourselves, the better we treat others.

And like the song says, "In the end, only kindness matters." Jewel is right about that. Starting with kindness to self; learning self-care and self-nurturing.

Learning to be kind yet assertive with your enemies takes a lot of tactfulness and skill, doesn't it!

To My FOO:




To Me:


Saturday, October 17, 2015

I'm Not Worried About Myself

I figure if I can go through ALL that I'm going through and not even want to drink yesterday, I'm going to be fine!

Yesterday was the huge shocker about my beloved cousin; we were close growing up; people thought we were twins! It hurt, but it didn't surprise me that we grew apart during all the estrangements and discord between my FOO (family of origin) and me over the decades. When I became estranged from one, I became estranged from the entire FOO+ (relatives). ....Yeah, sorta like they are one cell and I'm the misfit; but as my psychologist pointed out, I'm the sane misfit!

My cousin and I were getting chummy through emails throughout this year, and it was delightful. I had also reunited with my FOO this year too.

It all "appeared" to be going well. I thought soul contracts were resolved, I thought I was able to do that for all of us on my own, I thought I freed everyone from ever having to be encouraged by me to talk about the abuses in order to bring truth, healing, forgiveness, and understanding.

I was horribly wrong, and things got much, much worse for me than ever before.

But I finally got the whole truth: THAT NOT ONE OF THEM EVEN BELIEVES ME ABOUT ANY OF THE ABUSE---NOT THE INCEST BY MY LATE FATHER, AND NOT THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE/NEGLECT BY MY MOTHER.

I mean, I KNEW no one ever wanted to talk about it, but I had no idea what kind of people they really were or what they really thought about me. All those "I love yous" to me from them my whole life were a crock, a cover.

They all think I'm mentally-ill-crazy and hopeless and that I was born that way.

But when, just yesterday, my cousin let me know in an email that she doesn't believe me?!?!.... it was just too much.

And WHO ARE these people?!? And, why do intelligent, sophisticated, educated, high-caliber people act like white trailer trash?? Or worse yet, Republicans?!!

I was in shock all day yesterday. I was heart-broken. I was depressed.
But I didn't want to drink and I didn't. No cannabis either. Not even CBD tincture.

For all I know, having more of the truth will help my drinking get even better (more moderate).

I'll Be A Happy Forever Orphan
Who Never Has To Go To Any Funerals Or Memorial Services!
_________________________

Today will continue to hurt, but tonight is going to be fun! We're taking my youngest daughter and her friends out for dinner at Stacked! She's 21 (yesterday)!!! Woot!


Friday, October 16, 2015

I Spoke Too Soon Yesterday ---- She Finally Drove Me Over The Edge

Per my previous post, the absolutely overwhelming emotional pain, shock, and devastation basically drove me to practically guzzle almost six beers yesterday. I thought I was done at four, as it's my habit now to drink 0 - 4 drinks, meaning I don't drink everyday, and I'm in the habit now of drinking that moderately. I've been writing about knowing I'll be switching down to 0 - 3 fairly soon.

I was just in too much emotional and mental pain to remember to be only self-nurturing; I wanted to numb-out; I wanted to escape the horrid truth that my FOO+ truly SUCK!!!

I even lost the newly returned friendship of the cousin I grew up with, because even she doesn't believe me about the abuse. :'(. She came back into my life this year after years and years of estrangement.

My little family here certainly believes me, and Jordan has witnessed for himself many times over the decades their abuse/neglect. When he read my compelling memoir, he got the whole picture and a full understanding. He's so very angry and disgusted by all of them; for not one of them ever being there for me; for their refusing my endless efforts to bring truth, healing, forgiveness and understanding.

I am blessed to have one cousin via Facebook who fully believes me and supports me, while being able to keep my FOO+ in her life. We're like secret friends and it's beautiful. We got acquainted for the first time in our lives, really, about a couple years ago through FB.

I got drunk and stoned yesterday and sort of lost my mind.

I did some things I shouldn't have done, like walk next door and beg my 86-year-old neighbor for some attention yesterday afternoon; something I've never done before in the nearly 20 years we've been neighbors and friends. She angrily threatened to call the police on me. It was shocking. I had no idea she had that much fear in her, but that wasn't caused by me; she was simply annoyed by my desperate attempt to seek compassion and to offer it in return. She wasn't feeling well, and wanted to be left alone, and I was insensitive to that. But it was like she poured salt in the wound because she has almost the same birthday as my mother, and they are alike in many ways. But she and I have always liked each other and gotten along and helped each other.

Then, I fear, I went to her 80-something-year-old next door neighbors to tell them what just happened. They were compassionate. I left their porch in tears after a few minutes, came home, collapsed on the hardwood living room floor and bawled and wept my soul out. My two adult daughters were home. One called their dad to come over to help me. He did. Best man I've ever known. Best friend I've ever had.

But then I sent an email to someone I love but am not allowed to contact; a dear friend; my possible twin soul; my star-crossed lover. And I sent him my blogs. He doesn't know about them, or that I drink again and have for three years. I fear it will be the end of us for good for reasons I can't and won't get into. But I guess I have to be OK with whatever happens because I can't and won't live with secrets and lies anymore. In other words, for myself; I need to be authentic. What and how other people choose to live their lives is up to them and none of my business. I just need to be fully me in my relationships and in life.

Perhaps all that happened with my FOO and too much alcohol triggered a BPD episode. I've had moderate Borderline Personality Disorder, and it's been in remission for four years. It was given to me by prolonged psychotrauma  in my childhood. I was born an HSP--Highly Sensitive Person.

And that's my sad tale.

I'm very strong. I'll be alright.
I have a fuller understanding now, and won't ever have to try to reconcile with my FOO+ ever again.
I'll make the best of it.
I'm Free.
This is the birth of my True Liberation.


Thursday, October 15, 2015

Despite ALL THIS...

...and my intention to get intoxicated,
I am stopping at four Omission gluten-free beers!!!

The Final Communication---It Was Her Last Chance

It Was A Nice Thought, But

I think "Doing a 30" is designed mostly for people who aren't moderating their drinking, but are drinking too much and needing a "cleanse" or a "break."

I thoroughly enjoyed abstaining yesterday and know I'll re-incorporate more abs days in my regimen, but I already successfully cut down my drinking without having to do a 30!

As long as I still really want to drink, I will.
I already know that whatever I put my mind to, I'll do; and I still have more non-alcohol days in my life than alcohol-days.
It comes down to what you want more.

So, it was fun "pondering" doing a 30, but I'm not interested in doing that now.

That's fair, right? It's important to be fair to yourself and support yourself throughout your process.

I will definitely be avoiding wine, and that includes champagne.
Darn!
I learned yesterday that most wine contains lactic acid and I learned that I must avoid lactic acid; which is why I also have to give up the Mercola Probiotics I've been taking forever. With ME/CFS we over-produce lactic acid in our guts and it's what our bodies burn instead of oxygen during exertion and that causes exhaustion, illness, etc. Most probiotics contain lactic acid; which is good for healthy people. I'll be trying another probiotic soon.

Also, I'm much more focused on healing my gut flora, because more and more research suggests it's key to good health. I spent the day yesterday researching and studying.
So, I have more incentive and motivation to go easier on drinking.
I'll drink 1 - 4 when I drink, and I'll abs also.

Today I have a few emotional upsets that are triggering me to want to drink, but I know I won't drink more than 4.
The magnitude of what I'm dealing with in my life regarding my truly evil FOO (family of origin); who only recently showed their "true" colors; who are no better than Republicans, aka: wolves in sheep's clothing in the way they treat me.... well, as of today after one last frightfully painful email it's finally over for good and it's the beginning of my True Liberation --- but this is not the time to try to cut my moderation down to no more than 3. 4 is perfectly fine for now.

Ya know, even healthy people who are normal social drinkers want to drink during times of stress or upset! It's perfectly normal and healthy to want to do so!

MODERATION IS KING!
MODERATION IS EVERYTHING!

Ha Ha!


Wednesday, October 14, 2015

I Woke Up Pondering Doing A 30!

I feel spiritually inspired to consider abstaining from drinking for 30 days.
Not because I need to, but because I want to!
It sounds like fun!
I've never done it before!
I've never been a daily drinker, but I've only ever "quit drinking for good" before; out of fear; out of believing I was an alcoholic.
Now that I have almost 100% confidence built-up about myself as a moderate drinker, I might be mentally able to be alcohol-free without it meaning to my subconscious mind that it means I can't drink.
That's a mouthful of a sentence!
It could be an interesting experiment to see how I think and feel from day to day by doing a 30.
I certainly don't want myself to feel deprived of anything, and by now I shouldn't feel deprived at all!
After all, the world is never ever going to run out of booze!
There will always be all the booze I want whenever I want!
.....You know, barring the earth's Grid doesn't go down or anything!

whoa what a thought!

Well, I'll be pondering away about this today; doing a 30; joining some of my friends who are doing one.

Just waking up over here. Enjoying my 8 oz. of Peet's coffee with cream. :D


Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Quick Hello

I'm doing so well with drinking it's almost beyond the imagination!



Monday, October 12, 2015

3 1/2 Yesterday, Doing An Abstinence Day Today

3 1/2 beers wasn't too bad, but I really miss those abstinence days I'm used to doing regularly! And it's been over a week since I've had an alcohol-free day!

I'm really a new person, you know. Being able to abs so easily and moderate so easily; you may or may not be able to imagine how spectacular that is depending on your own history and experience with drinking.

I'm surprised I only drank 3 1/2 yesterday because I had a very intense therapy session (about my FOO = family of origin), and about the frightening situation at Jordan's work (previous post) yesterday, and those sessions always make me want to unwind with booze afterwards. My psychologist is the best of the best; truly "sees" me, "hears" me, and "gets" me. She was impressed with my drinking progress. I probably won't need to see her for a while, and I'll miss her! It had been almost a year since I'd seen her; then I saw her twice in two weeks.

I'm still working through LPP (link in right margin) at my own pace, and I still recommend that program! It really drives home for you your own values and motivations, and many other things, and really makes you think and assess. Although it's written for those who are wanting to quit drinking altogether, the program itself supports those who want to become moderate drinkers. It just means reading the questions with your own interpretation. The feedback you receive from your coach for each question is definitely catered to your personal goals. I did suggest they create a whole new program of modules worded for people learning to moderate.

Have A Beautiful Day, And May You Be Blessed!


Sunday, October 11, 2015

Because It Needs To Go Deeper

Why I Chose To Drink That Extra Drink Yesterday Evening

My Husband's Life Is Threatened
And Maybe Mine And My Daughters' Are Too

WAIT!.... Not Directly! Not Worrying Anyone Here!!!

But there's this maniac at his work
Who has the very real potential
To go Postal
When he's Fired

. . .

May He Be Blessed

. . .

Absolutely No One gets fired where Jordan (is that the name we're using for you on this blog? :) ) works: The United States Navy (he's a Federal Employee, so, Civilian).

We have reason to be concerned, as this unfortunate soul is quite lost and an untreated vet with severe PTSD and apparently other mental illness as well as alcoholism.

Like I said, the depot never fires anyone; it's just the way they roll; no matter how poor of workers anyone might be, or in this soul's case, rarely showing up for work.

Long story short, after giving him chance after chance, it looks like this poor soul simply can't shape up, or get the help he needs. He causes a lot of trouble.

He blames Jordan, his boss, for all his problems, even though Jordan has done everything in his power to work with him, keep his cool, and follow protocol in all matters. It's very frightening.

He also sees his job as his life and will blame Jordan for taking his life away, per many emails, even though Jordan is not the one who will fire him; he doesn't have that authority.


Frankly, I'm surprised I didn't drink more than five drinks over this, considering how new to moderating I am.

. . .

I cried quite a lot out of fear.

Please pray for this man, and please pray for our safety as well.




How Could I Forget This Crucial Secret To My Success?!

Per my previous post.

Holy Moly, almost instantly after orphaning myself from my abusive FOO (family of origin), my drinking became more moderate.

And there ya go.


Saturday, October 10, 2015

"It's Easy To Say No; It's Getting Easier All The Time To Say No"

Mantras are great because they teach your subconscious mind to accept it as truth.
The more you repeat a mantra, the less your subconscious mind rejects it as fiction.
The more you repeat a mantra, the more it is reinforced in your body as feeling true.
When I say this mantra now, it resonates throughout my entire being as truth.
So, now when I say it it makes me feel relaaaaxed and peaceful in my body; that means it's true.

"It's easy to say No; and it's getting easier all the time to say No" to 'having another drink' and 'drinking at all;' allowing my drinking days and abstinence days to flow effortlessly.

So, that's one of the secrets to my success!

I feel like listing some of the other



  • LOVE. Because LOVE Is The Master Healer; Loving whatever arises
  • Self Love. Because the more it grows the more I grow; loving myself where I was at as an over-drinker
  • Honesty. Because telling my truth works wonders
  • Support. Because support from my little family and my friends is everything
  • Structured Water. Because it's downright magical (link in right margin)
  • Smart Organizations. Because they are my teachers (links in right margin)
  • Health. Because I'm health conscious and am getting better at self-care and listening to my body
  • Timing. Because it's simply my time for this to happen for me
  • Spirituality. Because we've passed and survived a critical time (pre 9/27/15)
  • Perseverance. Because I never gave up conquering problem drinking
  • Luck. Because What-The-What?!-How-Is-This-Happening-For-Me?!



Naaaaaiiled It! :D

Thanks, readers, for all your good energy and support!
I haven't felt this good about my drinking in a long time; and as you know, I've felt quite good about my drinking lately!
I'm just so grateful to GodGoddessUniverse for making it so easy and so delightful to switch down to three drinks yesterday!
Perhaps this trend will continue and I've made my goal already of moderation for me being 1 - 3 drinks instead of 1 - 4.
Wouldn't that ROCK?!
'Cept for champagne, of course! LOL. Which generally requires drinking 4 = one bottle! ;)

Hallelujah!

Gonna ride this wave of Joy for as long as it lasts!

(Couldn't choose which image to use, so using them all!)




Friday, October 9, 2015

Wondered If Champagne Would Be A Problem, But It Wasn't

I simply HAD to celebrate my becoming a moderate drinker with a bottle of champagne, now didn't I!

Of course I did! :D

Since my successful moderating has been mostly with Omission beer, I was apprehensive about being able to have success with Wilson Creek Almond Champagne.


In the recent past, because that stuff is soo good, and the buzz is soo fun, I usually wanted at least one more glass.

So, I took a risk yesterday, and it paid off. And I remained within my four drink minimum.
Perhaps the cannabis helped this time to do that!

I am getting sick of daily drinking though (my last abs day was a week ago); but, still feeling like a kid in a candy store it's hard to stop myself from daily moderate drinking! Every time I succeed, it's another feather in my cap! Sorry for the old cliche! I'm having way too much fun successfully and easily drinking only four drinks or less every time I drink!

Not that I don't deserve to have fun, in my life of deprivation; I Do!

But not only is it not the real me to daily drink, it does take a toll on my particular health issues; if not a toll, then certainly it isn't helping my body any, except for the relieving stress factor. The fact that I don't take meds is a plus though---That's simply what's right for me. I do love how alcohol gives me energy though and makes my physical symptoms easier to tolerate.

And I still intend on getting to the place where I rarely have more than three drinks when I drink!
That will just be healthier, let's face it.


Thursday, October 8, 2015

Everybody helps somebody
So it's nice to know I help somebody


I Like The Way Things Are Changing

I'm not drinking everyday, but almost everyday, but that's so OK with me because I'm drinking moderately every time (cept for the one extra almost a week ago on Sunday, per my post).
This moderate drinking started on 9/30.
It's quite a record for me; perhaps even the first time in my life!

Everyone has to figure out for themselves what moderate drinking is for them.
For me it's still 1 - 4 standard drinks.

I feel more and more confident and grounded in now being a consistent moderate drinker.
It's happening unforced too.
It's also happening without the need for any cannabis products, even CBD tincture;
like yesterday's less-than four beers (Omission gluten-free; tastes like normal beer).
Another day this week I achieved the same success without any weed. This surprises me like crazy; I thought fer sure it was the weed that was going to make it possible for me to drink moderately.

I'm in shock pretty much that this miracle is happening for me.
Let's see if it truly lasts.

I can easily see myself not even wanting as many as four drinks, and only wanting 1 - 3.

I don't know what's happening to me, but I sure do like it.

If I can do it, many others can!

Wonder what the secret was for me?! I have no idea.
Unless it really is Structured Water, which it very well could be, and is for many people.
(link in right margin.)
Or maybe it would have happened anyway in my personal evolution.

MODERATION IS KING!
MODERATION IS EVERYTHING!


Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Turned Out To Be A Funny Day

Thought I wanted to drink
but I could barely get through two shots of tequila (mixed with Structured Water) over a period of two hours.
LOL.
Really wanted to want to drink and wanted to want to drink more, but just couldn't so didn't.



Life Is Perfect In Its Imperfections --- Always Keeping You On Your Toes

Yeah, so I had that fifth drink Sunday night.
Drat.
I, clearly, can still allow loved ones to trigger me.
I was having such a good run of moderate drinking too.
Thankfully, by the next day I was back on track, and really hope to stay here.
Thankfully, also, harmony was quickly and easily restored the following day (Monday) between my little family and me.
I'm So Very Blessed And Loved.
The fact that the four of us are from different planets just makes life more interesting!



Sunday, October 4, 2015

I Would Have Gone To A Bar, But I Don't Know Of Any!

Darn people who disappoint
And make you want a drink
That you didn't want

Wish I knew of a good local bar
So I could have some company and conversation while I drink
Instead
As always
I'll be drinking alone

Guess it's for the best


I'm A Miracle

We All Are.

Just reinforcing this new personal paradigm,
and further celebrating it!

Never ever in my born days have I been able to accomplish what I have accomplished now with drinking.
I'm So Very Excited And Proud!

To be able to switch to drinking moderately while in the momentum of problem drinking?!
Unheard of for me.
I've only ever before had to QUIT drinking when my drinking was problematic.
It was impossible for me to drink moderately once the over-drinking was in motion.
I could have abstinence days just fine, but could not stop myself from drinking too much when I drank.
That had been my pattern for decades; with very long stretches of abstinence---from months to years.
Always with the belief that I was done drinking for good because I couldn't drink.

And NOW look at me!

As FATE would have it (thank you, Fate, I needed a perk in my life!), my drinking habits rather seamlessly switched from overdoing it to almost just right (still a work in progress, that part; there's always room for improvement).

I Went From Problem Drinking Directly Into Moderate Drinking!
Without having to pass Go and collect $100!
Without having to go to jail! LOL.
I didn't have to quit drinking first! And try again down the road to drink moderately!

WHO would believe this??
What sobriety groups or recovery organizations would ever accept this "anomaly" as fact and truth?!
Well, only the good ones listed in the right margin would! Thank GodGoddessUniverse for them!
But even they usually recommend a period of abstinence first (30 days)!
But the majority of organizations, as well as the majority of the world, would never believe me or even think it possible.
Therefore, I never believed or thought it was possible, but obviously I never gave up trying anyway!
And I'm so glad I didn't!

Drinking is Awesome! :D
When done well! :D

I'm So Lucky!

I'd love to hear from others on Facebook who have a similar journey... but either there aren't any yet, and I'm the leader of the pack; or they're not talking! I guess people just don't feel comfortable talking about their substance use in public!
I'M  SUCH  A  WEIRDO !  ;)






Saturday, October 3, 2015

What A Lovely Abstinence Day : )

Thought I'd take a moment to reflect this night.
Am I Cured?!
Am I a forever moderate drinker?!
Did I conquer my biggest challenge in life?!
I dunno!
But the way this October is going thus far, sure seems possible!
I don't know why I had no inkling to drink today when I very freely could have; moderately.
But I didn't : )

Oh man, maybe Matt Kahn, of True Divine Nature (link in right margin), was right about us energetically sensitive beings and our old addictions returning this year, and the energetic shift that occurred on our beautiful planet 9/27/15 shifting things!

Maybe I AM ascending into 5D consciousness.
Do you feel it yet?:
Unity consciousness --- replacing the old paradigm 3D polarizing consciousness.
Don't worry, you will; we all will!

LOL, no, I'm not on pot either!

But I digress, because, even if Matt was right and my over-drinking this year was part of the process of whatever is going on in me!, it doesn't explain how come a 40-year on-and-off drinking problem, even "alcoholism," is "cured!" If it is!

To me, the return of addictions this year that are gone after that energetic date would mean that I'd have to or want to give up drinking altogether. As I always have had to do in the past. I could never handle drinking; I'd always have to quit for long periods; thinking I could never drink again.

Anywho, it's fun to tell this story, and it's going to be interesting to see where it---where I---end up in regards to booze!

Wow. Life. So Perfect In Every Way. Just The Way It Is.



Friday, October 2, 2015

Here's My Update For Today

I didn't even finish the last beer -- the fourth beer -- I poured it out.

And I didn't even need any cannabis products to get here.





I Don't Know Why I'm Drinking Daily The Last Few Days, But At Least I'm Drinking Moderately!

So I guess I'm OK with drinking everyday the past (four) days,
and I guess I'm OK with starting at noon a couple times,
or even a bit earlier,
as long as I don't drink more than four standard drinks....

Which I've achieved since Tuesday's 6-pack.

I'm just being honest.
I'm just keepin' it real.
I'm just honoring myself and my process.
I'm just further annihilating the shame CultAA put in me.
I have nothing to be ashamed of!

I know I'm going through a lot right now,
and I know when I drink it's not interfering with anything going on in my life.

So, again today I'm sipping on beers,
gluten-free Omission,
one per hour;
actually it's taking more than an hour per beer.
Not counting Tuesday,
so just the past three days.

I'm saying I drank 4 or less beers Wednesday, Thursday, and today (in progress -- 2 beers thus far -- I will keep you posted -- I will tell you the truth),
but 6 on Tuesday,
and wasn't happy with that the next day,
so I made a change.

I have New Rules for myself;
that I can drink everyday if I want or need to,
instead of every-other day like I'm used to,
as long as I keep it moderate.

I guess this is my meds.
I'm using it like meds; to self-medicate.
I don't take any meds except for NatureThroid for my hypothyroidism.

I don't take any Rx drugs for anything,
except for a sporadic very low dose Valium to help me fall asleep once in a while.
I've been doing that for years and years.
An Rx of 30  5 mg. Valium will last me between 4 months - 1 year.
And that's the truth.
I usually take just half of one of those when I take it.

When I drank 5 - 8 drinks, 
especially if it was 2 per hour,
I took a whole Valium at bedtime to prevent the shakes in the night.
And to prevent waking up sporadically with panic attacks and a racing heart.

I put that in BOLD because THATs the kind of behavior I'm done with.
That's just so unhealthy and unloving to myself.
Period.

If this truly is my new and lasting reality,
I truly am Cured of "alcoholism!"---
Which I never really had in the first place!

Moderation IS King!
Moderation IS Everything!

Moderation IS Mine!

And it's getting easier and better all the time.


I'm rather wowed by my ability and desire to drink this moderately, and how easy and fun it is!!
May this continue!
May it get better and lighter!
If I can do it, many others can too!


Thursday, October 1, 2015

And Today Was One Of Those Four Drink Days!

So glad it's easy to stop after four beers,
even this early in the day!

Heck, there are so many other beautiful things to enjoy besides booze!

Cannabis products or non-substances too!
Like Nature!

We can do this, people!

And you youngsters out there,
you absolutely never ever have to even start abusing substances!

Trust me!


This Stuff Really Is The Bomb! : )

For so many things. Why suffer from anxiety, depression, pain, etc. if you can treat it holistically? A normal dose is aprox. 45 drops, and I only needed 4 drops of CBD to ease the anxiety I'm experiencing this morning. I don't want a high, so I only added 2 drops of THC (to help the CBD work better). Soon enough organic cannabis products will be legal everywhere!

Great quick read (link):



What If I'm Underestimating My Ability To Moderate?

What if I'm ALREADY fully able to drink moderately or not at all? ?

What if I'm not giving myself enough credit and therefore sabotaging myself? ?


What if I can Declare To The Universe:

I  D R I N K  O N L Y  M O D E R A T E L Y !       ?


Otherwise, why could I even be able to moderate or abstain at all at this point? ?
Like yesterday's three casual, slow beers, even though there was more in the fridge, even though I was under duress? !


I LOVE drinking moderately! And I LOVE abstaining too!
I Love Myself when I do these things!
I Love my Life more when I do these things!
I feel Good in my Body when I do these things!
I feel Safe when I do these things!
I feel Smart when I do these things!


May I Proclaim Now that I will only ever drink one - three drinks, sometimes four, and that I will drink on average one drink per hour the days I choose to drink!

Could It Really Be That Easy?  ?  !


All I can tell you for sure is that It Feels So Good, And I Feel So Relaxed In My Body when I say that!!
It feels so Good in my body and my mind and my soul when I say that!

And So It Is!