MY MOTHER'S DAY GIFT TO MYSELF

IS TO STOP KILLING MYSELF OVER THOSE PEOPLE.
THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT.
I SCARED MYSELF NEARLY TO DEATH LAST NIGHT.

I've Enlisted The Help Of My Wonderful Little Family To Make Sure I Won't Drink For 30 Days Starting Today!

After that, I may want to do another Abs-30! Many people do in this program I'm loving, The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin).

I'm also foregoing using any cannabis product as it sometimes triggers me to drink.

I'm also SERIOUSLY thinking I am going to have to let my two blogs go so I can be completely free from those people, my FOO (family of origin), who have access to my blogs.

I don't want them in our lives. I don't want them to know anything about my life, just as I don't know anything about theirs, and that's the way I like it.

I ORPHANED myself from them and my relatives for a reason!!!

I can't be truly free or whole until I am truly free of them.
It hurts me feeling like they are spying on me; and I know they are.

My beautiful young adult daughters have something wonderful planned for me today, and I CAN'T WAIT! 

Damn It To Hell, She Really Did A Number On Me!

I clearly picked the wrong time to do an Abs-30; if I'm even going to do one at all.

Between my ex-sister's unwanted voice message late Wednesday night, to it being Mother's Day tomorrow, no wonder I went over the edge, drank to excess the next day after ex-sister's call, scared myself so bad I committed to not drinking for 30 days yesterday, and am now drinking right now, the evening before Mother's Day!

LAST Mother's Day I sent my 80-something mother a Very Large, Very Expensive, And Very Beautiful Bouquet Of Flowers.

And THIS Mother's Day, I'm orphaned from her and all of them for life.

I'm a psychological and emotional wreck over my fucking FOO (family of origin), and I don't know what the hell I'm doing, except trying to survive.

Once enough time has passed when they have been safely out of my life, I'm sure to recover.

I have it on good authority--the ones who know me the best tell me--that I'm super strong and super resilient.

I Didn't Want To Tell This Story Because I Didn't Want My Ex-Sister To Know She Has So Much Power Over Me. It will just feed her ego. She's 4 1/2 years older than me and is into trying to control me.

I mean, I didn't want to post the part about how much she drove me to drink the next day. And now I don't want to post that they have driven me to drink today. But They Have.

They Are My BLOOD. Not Only My Blood, But My Same Sex Birth-Family Members. Mother's And Sister's Can't Not Have A SuperDeDooperExtraStrongConnection With You, Yo!

WHY DOESN'T SOCIETY AS A WHOLE UNDERSTAND THAT AND SUPPORT WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH?? IT'S POLITICALLY INCORRECT TO BLAME ANYONE AT ALL FOR ANY OF YOUR PROBLEMS OR PAIN, AND THAT IS BULLSHIT!

It's My Responsibility To Deal With It And Grow From It And Learn How To Find Peace, And To Take Responsibility For How I'm Feeling, And I DO!

But THEY Get the BLAME For Messing Me Up, Because That's Exactly What They Did!

And If I ever mess-up my beloved daughters, I will OWN it, and I will do everything in my power to heal it, and I will never stop apologizing to them.
Do You Get My Drift?

Mercifully, my daughters are happy, well adjusted young women who love and like and respect and trust me!

They and they alone are responsible for me learning that I am a good person, a sane person, and worthy of love.

Not Surprisingly, I'm Getting Some Flak For My Innocent Post On The Forum

I'm referring to my post yesterday at The 30-Day Sobriety Solution forum that I shared here on my blog yesterday.

The flak does not come from Dave or Jack (the writers/founders). They freely allow my posts and my thinking and they honor my journey. They honor and respect everyone's journeys. The 30-Day Sobriety Solution is not affiliated with AA. 

Here's a response I got at the forum:

Jaya,

I'm not sure "focusing on sobriety" by getting high Is the way to go. You're replacing a bad habit by another one. Don't you want to try other ways to deal with your anxiety? Yoga, meditation, exercice, tapping etc? It really works...
That to me is the real challenge. To face my fears, my anxiety, my problems without any use of ANYTHING and learning healthy ways to take care of myself. If you've been trying and trying to be a "moderate drinker" and you haven't succeeded by now... Can't you consider that you might have to accept the fact that you shouldn't drink anymore?
Is that something you could consider? If you did once, it must have been out of control no? It shouldn't be that hard Jaya...
I feel for you. You mentionned you have an illeness, hope it's not to serious. Good luck with the challenge. I've been sober for 3 months now. Followed the book's solutions to the letter and I feel AMAZING. I'm starting it again this week end just to take it in and go deeper. So grateful for this life saving and Life changent book...

Good luck

My response: 

I bravely posted my truth even though I expected posts like yours. It’s CultAA-speak, and it’s SO WRONG. No offense.
Cannabis helps thousands of people heal addictions, and it heals the body at the same time. (not everyone can use it or would even want to though)
I’m 59, have never had a problem with weed and never will. After my mid-20s I didn’t even touch it for three decades. (But now it’s legal in most states!)
I may or may not use it to get high on occasion, but if I do, it will be perfectly AOK, AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T MAKE ME WANT TO DRINK.
My doctor advises me to micro-dose, and I will mostly do so with CBD which does NOT make you high even in normal doses. I’m not using anything today because I don’t feel the need to. I’m enjoying my Day 1!
Our wonderful 30-Day book quotes recovered alcoholic Stephen King. Many people don’t know that he’s an example of how using weed has been a successful substitute for alcohol.
My advice is, everyone has to figure out for themselves if cannabis products are in their best interest or not, and not to judge anyone for using it.
BTW, I’ve lived most of my life as a substance-free woman. I tended to be a binge-drinker.
Yes, I am Very Ill and can’t do much physical activity of any kind. I think that finally starting to get comfy with cannabis will be a lifesaver!
I’m excited for you and I applaud your success! What a good example you are!
Jaya

Her response back;

I guess I hit a nerve... Sorry about that. No, not in AA. Tried it and didn't work for me. It didn't feel like a cult though. I never gave Them that power and never felt like they wanted to take power over me. I see you justifying yourself and being very defensive. I guess you might have felt attacked by me. I apologize. You have your journey and I have mine. Let's leave it at that. This is bad energy for everyone,  I apologize for that too.

My response back:

I apologize too. “CultAA-Speak” is universal. It’s part of the “recovery movement mentality” and everyone is subject to it, no matter who they are or even if they drink or not and have never been to a meeting!

May You Be Blessed! : )

And here's a response from someone else!:

Troll post?
Stay away 30 day solution people.
It's a trap.
Bye

My response:

HUH?? ?
Gosh, addicts can be so MEAN.

Also, I have a blog where since the beginning of the year I have been endorsing, promoting and singing the praises of The 30-Day Sobriety Solution since I found it.

May You Be Blessed

********

 Clearly that troll comment was from a CultAA-Nazi! Well, blog readers, these are simply more examples of how the entire country is brainwashed by CultAA-Mentality. Things like that if you have a drinking problem it means you can't even use cannabis even if you've never had a problem with it. And things like labeling all problem drinkers as "alcoholics" who can never drink again (even if not in those words, by intention), even though that's not true for most people. 

It's well accepted by the majority of thinkers that AA is indeed a Cult. Even the courts label it a religion. AA is also responsible for hundreds if not thousands of suicides (links in right margin).

Anyway, I'm not going to allow any of this to get me down, and I will continue to speak my mind, as long as I'm, hopefully, not attacking anyone. I aim to heal myself and help heal others.

On to enjoying my Day 2 of the program and of abstinence!

And Now For Something COMPLETELY Different!

I just posted this on an old post of mine at The 30-Day Sobriety Solution forum (link in right margin). It's an update to THIS!: jayarainbowangel.blogspot.com/i-had-to-look-really-deep-to-figure-it-out
I'm Breaking My VOW!

Forum Post:

Oh Dear! There's no way to EDIT my posts! Guess they are too old to edit!

I have a MAJOR update! I've decided to break my Vow of Never Doing An Abs-30!

Starting today I am starting The 30-Day Sobriety Solution over, and starting today I am not going to drink alcohol for 30 days!

I woke up this morning wanting to give myself this Gift and this Challenge. I want to know what it feeeels like to do a 30! (I've only ever "quit drinking for good" before!)

My intention is to be become a consistent moderate drinker.

I ALSO want to trust my doctor and turn to medical cannabis more, and to learn to prefer it over alcohol, because it's only healthy and healing for me. He talked to me about micro-dosing with edibles or tinctures; not to get high but to ease anxiety and stress and symptoms of my illnesses.

With alcohol safely out of the way for 30 days, I won't be distracted by it and I can focus on sobriety just using cannabis lightly and sporadically. I may or may not want to use it some nights to get high.

I don't see myself RELYING on cannabis because I always have and still do prefer being substance-free. Which is why my definition of Sobrietist is to keep substance use moderate. Everyone has to define what sobriety is for them.

I'm looking forward to restarting this journey, and I'm also fearful, and I do now see it as IMPERATIVE to give up drinking while doing the program (CultAA be damned!). In the past few months I haven't progressed as far as I prefer in controlling my drinking.

Jaya

Holy Moly I May Have Found Something That Will Change My Life!

Maybe even save my life!

And I owe it all to Dr. Flynn and GodGoddessUniverse!
And the work I've been doing; the very hard work!

And what is this miracle, you ask?

EDIBLES!

Specifically, the brand new CBD/THC Candy Hearts!

Substance-free yesterday, just a few sucks on a Candy Heart at 5 p.m. (then saved the rest) made me feel un-buzzed but totally relaxed, happy, and stress-free, and lasted at least five hours, cuz then I went to bed.

Dr. Flynn is my medical cannabis MD. I've met him twice. The first time was in January 2015, and the second time was April 2016. I get my annual "permission slip" (LOL) to use medical cannabis.

Last year I told him one of the things I hoped to gain from weed was curbing my drinking. As I've written about a lot, it's not been working out that way for me (everyone is different), and that I only like to use pot after I've been drinking.

When I met with him this year.... and, you should get a visual of the waiting room: mostly professional people, and some non-professionally dressed people, none of them high; meaning cannabis is so totally legit and wonderful....  I shared that I would really love to learn how to use cannabis more and alcohol less, but that I've been getting my drinking down regardless. And that smoking pot (vape pen) makes me sleepy if I don't drink alcohol.

Dr. Flynn talked to me about using edibles more and about micro-dosing, which is a thing that's catching on. Taking a tiny amount of whatever strain you prefer (CBD or THC or both) throughout the day. And that even he does this sometimes.

Since I prefer CBD (body high) over THC (head high), unless I'm drinking, I avoid edibles, as my dispensary only sells THC edibles. UNTIL NOW! : )

I can easily see myself turning to Candy Hearts instead of booze on days I need help but don't want to drink. Either that or using the tinctures I have. (I also have a THC tincture.) And I have been using CBD tincture sporadically by itself for stress or anxiety, but now I'll probably use it more.

I must have required more coaching or something before I was willing or able to make the change. I'm starting to become more trusting and confident in the whole med weed scene, and certainly in this doctor. He's a very intelligent gent too.

Maybe now, despite anything unbearable going on in my life, I'll be able to drink only once or twice a week again like I want to do, just for pleasure, and to drink more moderate amounts again also.

Here is a partial chart of what cannabis treats:

If I Can Get Through This Day Without Putting Myself Down....

Then No Matter What Else I Do, That'll Be A Good Day.

But I don't know how else to deal with this unfathomable, unbearable grief and PTSD without drinking. Again, that's me, everyone is different.

It's so overwhelming I don't even know if I'll ever be OK.

Yesterday was a very good substance-free day spent with my little family. They are the best family in the universe and I am so blessed and grateful. I Love Them SO MUCH! And They Love Me SO MUCH!

All three of them are very hard-working and busy during the weekdays. Gosh, that's a gift!

Remembering that I'm basically a happy person who loves life and that I can experience joy ought to help assure me that somehow I'm going to be OK. Somehow I'm going to get through the pain and the loss of being abused and/or abandoned by my entire FOO+ (family of origin and relatives). Since it was love and abuse in the same package it's much harder to recover from than if it was only abuse. I will always deeply love and miss them, and wish they cared about me. I DO know I will never recover. But I hope and pray to find some kind of wholeness and peace in time.

So, I am now focusing on stopping judging, criticizing, negative-self-talking myself. I Don't Deserve That! It's a bad habit, and mostly it's my ex-mother's voice in my head attacking me mercilessly that way.

I know I'm a good person, one of the best I know as a matter of fact. Why else would I be supporting Bernie? : )  Being a good democrat, I'll vote for whomever our nominee is. I ask ALL millennials and independents and libertarians and green partiers to do the same, please! We absolutely can't afford or risk getting a republican in the white house, especially not the choices we presently have. (UNDERSTATEMENT!)

The Truth Will Set You Free

I have always believed those Divine wise words.
I have tried to live by them my whole life.

I know I have been as honest as appropriately possible in this blog.
While still being smartly discerning about what I report.
Discernment out of respect to my personal growth and needs, and discernment out of respect for my readers.

I tell the truth to set myself free.
And I do it to help inspire others to set themselves free.
Telling the truth about my drinking is helping to heal my drinking problem.
I don't feel I have a drinking problem any longer!
I feel very good about my drinking.
And I am starting to feel consistently good about my drinking behavior too.
That's More Progress!

In CultAA they attack alcohol as being "Cunning, baffling, and powerful"
It's the very nature of not respecting alcohol and it's power that can cause alcoholism.
Respecting alcohol's power softens it's power over you.

Not demonizing it, but honoring it, whether you want to drink or not.
It's a spiritual understanding.

The Less Fear I Have About Alcohol And Drinking
The Better My Drinking Habits Are

I drank a fourth time this week after all, yesterday.
It is helping me through my Intense Grieving And PTSD.
I absolutely don't want my drinking to continue at this level.
I absolutely desire and intend for it to shift again.

What I Am Going Through Over My FOO (family of origin) Is Unbearable And Unfathomable.
It's A Wonder I'm Not A Full-Blown Alcoholic, Truly.

And I Love to smoke pot when I drink. It slows down time. It elevates my mood. It relaxes me further.

But what I'm learning by honoring and respecting alcohol's cunning, baffling power, and not fearing it, is that simultaneously I'm paying more attention to my Intuition and honoring it.
Like today, when I was thinking about how could I get away with drinking because I really wanted to, to help me get over this hump regarding my deep pain over my FOO.

Long story short, as I was returning home from an errand, I decided to get a half pint of vodka and headed towards the store. I wasn't afraid or anything, I consciously acknowledged and honored alcohol's power. I was paying attention to how I was feeling and that's when I became aware of my Intuition's voice; for me in the form of a feeling at that moment. And all of a sudden I decided to drive home instead.
My Intuition was telling me not to drink today, I heard it, and I honored it.

It's being a really great day for me in every way. I feel so good in my body. I feel so good about myself.

In Case You Smelled My Bullshit Yesterday

My intentions were pure and I believed what I was composing on Thursday, and I chose to go ahead and publish it here Friday, after much thought, even though it wasn't true.

Now I know why it wasn't true and now I feel safe to expose myself to you.

On Thursday I ended up drinking 4.5 of those 7.7%-alcohol beers = 6.75 standard drinks.

And on Friday I drank 6 regular beers (6 standard drinks).

And Now I Know Why:

Friday morning's Judy's Jottings post:  judyactonayala.blogspot.com//i-wonder-how-long-it-will-take-if-ever

This morning's Judy's Jottings post (composed yesterday while buzzed):  judyactonayala.blogspot.com/a-pretend-letter-to-my-ex-mother-to


It took a lot out of me to write and post all of these. I'll be alright. I know I won't drink today or tomorrow. So, I drank 3 times this week, down from 4 days last week when the FOO (family of origin) shit really hit the fan. I'm trying to be non-judgmental of myself because I deserve my own compassion. Because it's my desire to drink only 2 times a week again, I know I will return to that, and probably starting next week.

Well, THAT Was Fun!

What started out as a very possible disappointment in myself, turned into a master plan for this week!
It's interesting how flexible a drinking plan can allow one to be!
You know, as long as you are Keepin' It 100! Telling yourself the Truth!
Not easy to do if you're an addict, I know, but whether or not I was an addict before (probably was), I'm not now!

My drinking week starts on Mondays, and my drinking plan is to drink only twice a week, but that I can drink as much as I want those two days. (I'd been averaging 6 drinks.)

The first day that I drank this week was Tuesday, and I surprised myself by only drinking 4.5 drinks (standard drinks. it was a half pint of silver tequila.)
I was planning on drinking on Friday as my second day.

But yesterday, Thursday, I, for whatever reasons wanted to drink. I decided to go for it, but as I was driving to Bev Mo to get beer, I was full of anxiety, self-doubt, and self-disappointment. Going off my plan put me at risk for drinking perhaps a third day this week. Scary after coming off a drank-four-days-last-week experience due to overwhelming circumstances.

Was I going to fuck up this week and hate myself??

Nope! Hurray! Not at all!

By trusting myself and simply following through with my decision to drink yesterday, it suddenly became so clear!: Buy A 6-Pack Of Stone Delicious IPA (Gluten-Free) 7.7%-Alcohol Beer, And Drink Half On Thursday And Half On Friday! No harm no foul! Why? Because it was moderate drinking making it all average-out; making it so I didn't drink much more than my average 12 drinks a week. (I still want to get that number down.)

The thing about Stone Delicious IPA is that a 6-pack = 9 standard drinks! I'd never want to drink that much in one day anymore, and believe me, it almost never happened. It was so easy to drink only 3 of them yesterday = 4.5 standard drinks! And I get to enjoy the rest this evening, while, among other things, watching Real Time with Bill Maher!

It's easy not to drink on Saturdays or Sundays due to family goings-on(s)! Spending quality time with my awesome little family is always preferable over drinking!

Work Hard Within Your Means At Making Yourself Truly Happy !

All Is Well

Certainly, listening to Matt Kahn on Monday re-aligned my spirit, helped me tap-into my intuition more strongly, and feels like the biggest reason that when I drank last night, the first time out of two planned drinking days for this week, I kept it moderate. It Feels So Good! To finally not only be drinking only two times a week (achieved that prior to last week and expect to achieve it this week and beyond), but being able to keep the number of drinks moderate! Not my usual 6! I drank 4.5 = half pint of silver tequila (with lots of healing Structured Water) over a four-hour period. And I enjoyed a bit of med weed too. : )

I could get used to this!   I'm still OK, for now, with drinking as many drinks as I choose due to cutting back drinking to two times a week (was drinking up to five times a week for several months, and trying to keep it to 1-4 drinks with some success but not enough success). But I see myself wanting more and more to drink less. That's just me. Everyone is different.

It's one thing to believe you can improve your drinking habits, it's quite another thing when it actually happens!

I know Many people are accomplishing this! Especially the ones I connect with through The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin).

I want to share Matt's recording with you because it was FREE and I'm not breaking any rules. : )

Password: AwakenedOne   Link: Awaken-Your-Intuition

I Cannot Tell A Lie -- The Fatigue Made Me Do It

So, under normal circumstances, with the many reasons, good and bad, for drinking, the biggest reason I drink is when I'm desperate for relief from the symptoms of ME/CFS and the bone-crushing fatigue. There's absolutely nothing else that I know of that works.

The past week took too much out of me and even though emotionally I am OK again, on a purely physical level yesterday I just couldn't stand how I was feeling, and with my little family's OK, I drank yesterday. I chose champagne, and I ended up drinking nearly two bottles! As far as I know I didn't get into any trouble though! geez.

Drinking definitely gives me the energy I crave and disguises any other symptoms I'm having. When I use it right, alcohol is good medicine!

I went overboard yesterday though. I'm glad I drank lots of Structured Water too to neutralize the toxins, keep me hydrated, and prevent a hangover. Thank GodGoddessUniverse for SW!

OK, so NOW I can FINALLY get back to my new normal of drinking only twice a week! HURRAY!

The last thing that makes sense to do is to punish myself for my FOOs (family of origin) mistreatment of me by drinking too much! I dunno, it's like I'm taking the bullet for my ex-mother by punishing myself instead of her. (?) I think when we come from an abusive family we tend to treat ourselves very badly too often. Chalk it up to growing pains.

Maybe Those Negative Influences Are Losing Their Power Over Me

The Majesty that is this universe of ours never ceases to amaze me.
But that's another story.

It's mind-blowing to learn just how Strong and Resilient you are, don't you agree?
The impossible things you survive and only to become stronger and better.

My beloved husband (we're happily separated) called me a Champion yesterday. That was very moving and meaningful to me. I called him a Champion too, because he is! Although, he certainly has never had a drinking problem, thank GodGoddessUniverse. : )

I could NOT have predicted that I would have so much control over my drinking this week under the circumstances I found myself in (see my other blog, link in right margin). Again, especially SO SOON after emerging from a long problematic binge.

And yesterday morning was especially hard on me and should have driven me to drink---But It Didn't! And I ended up having a happy, peaceful, sober day.

GAWD, I'm Proud Of Myself!!!
And WOW Am I Grateful!!!

And like my psychologist said in an email to me, "Glad to hear your drinking is starting to resemble normal."  : )
She and I exchanged emails recently when I reached-out to her in an email. I haven't needed her counseling services for quite a long time.

I'm in a bit of overwhelm this morning from working on my other blog: posting a post, and updating the header. It's painful, gut-wrenching stuff for me. It definitely makes me want to drink, just like I wanted to yesterday morning (wouldn't have started before noon) when dealing with things---leaning on my husband's strong shoulders over the phone in my utter devastation and despair. But then a solution came through, and I no longer wanted to drink. And the same thing will happen today.

And I especially love how this picture looks so much like my youngest daughter!

More Surprising Results

MAJOR triggers since last weekend, which I blogged about at my main blog (link in right margin)!

And I do mean MAJOR TRIGGERS!

Yet, it only set me back in my drinking by one. Meaning, I'm only drinking 3 times this week, instead of my new norm 2 times a week. Meaning, I didn't spiral back down into the abyss.

Can you say  W O W ?!   WOW!!!

Absofuckinglutely SOMETHING is working here!


I also feel like Magical things manifested all on their own from the universe to my being in this scenario because I must be progressing in my spiritual awakening.

Does that need explanation? 

I'm only too happy to talk enlightenment! The ongoing process that it is! For most of us.

FingersCrossedThatIMakeItToMondayWithoutDrinkingAFourthTimeThisWeek!
YouKnowIWillTellYouTheTruth

It's Like Playing Russian Roulette Though

Going from problem drinking to consistent moderate drinking is like playing Russian Roulette, therefore it is perhaps not for most of us, and I understand why most problem drinkers choose to become teetotalers when they want to change.

And also, according to the severity of one's drinking problem, that would be a determining factor.

What one's loved ones require of them is a major factor.

But the bottom line is, Sobriety Rocks!
Sobriety has to be self-defined, so whether that means being alcohol-free for life, or drinking moderately (that has to be self-defined too).

There's just nothing in life you can enjoy while under the influence that isn't BETTER sober! I learned that a long time ago, thankfully! Yes, I'm even talking about sex! It's way better sober! It can take a while to get to the place of knowing that and living it if you're used to only having sex when you're buzzed, but it's so worth it to get to that place!

The Russian Roulette part is about so many of the problems and glitches and mistakes and sufferings I've been talking about on this blog since I began it. GAWD it's been awful so much of the time. Failing at controlling my drinking, feeling like shit too much of the time; physically, mentally and emotionally, and even spiritually, disappointing myself and others countless times, all the guilt and self-doubt, all the cravings and addictive thoughts to deal with, all the trial-and-error in figuring out when and how much to drink, all the failed Drinking Plans, the embarrassment and shame at times over being public, oh god and the insanity of drinking and driving sometimes, and drunk-dialing sometimes....

It's A Hard Journey! Not to mention trying to deal with your real problems---the ones that cause the drinking problem---while you're trying to learn to drink moderately!

It Makes More Sense To Quit Drinking For 30 Days First! Like most of the good programs recommend! (links in right margin)

But, contrary to what they say, it is absolutely Not "Imperative" to quit drinking for 30 days, OK? HAMS knows this. And I and others are proof of that! I simply need to create my own program or method by utilizing things I'm learning from the good ones, but mostly from myself.

Again, here are my very real reasons for not doing the abs-30. It is simply another serious example of how CultAA and other recovery groups damaged me: I-Had-To-Look-Really-Deep

Dun Did It! : )

Easily peasily drank only twice last week.

Feeling very grateful, confident, and motivated!

Like my separated-husband-bff said to me, "It's like the sun is starting to shine on you after a very long period of darkness." And that has more to do with all I've had to deal with with my abusive FOO (family of origin), and all I'm striving to overcome. So much of that is tied-in with my longtime on-and-off-again drinking problem. Alcohol wasn't the problem. Alcohol was a symptom.

There Is Such An Important Message To Give To The World.

The message is to Wake Up from the erroneous belief system CultAA and the rest of the recovery movement mentality is enslaving too many of us in---that most of us are Hopeless Alcoholics, when the truth is that even though one in three people have a drinking problem, 90% of them are NOT alcoholics, and should not be labeled and brainwashed into thinking that they are. This is more dangerous than it sounds and has contributed to hundreds if not thousands of suicides (links in right margin).

GAWD I could write a book on this.

Here's another helpful tool from The 30-Day Sobriety Solution: The-Affirmation-Solution


CultAA:

Eh Heh!

Due to the intensity of my morning yesterday which caused me an overload of excitement (very energetically sensitive being here!), I chose to start drinking at 1 p.m., rather than waiting until the evening!

This means I could have easily drank 6 beers over the hours instead of my loosely planned 4! I did open the 6th beer, took a few sips, didn't want it, and poured it down the drain. I LOVE pouring booze down the drain! It almost feels like a spiritual practice!

It Feels So Good To Only Have Drunken 5 under these circumstances! I'm ROCKIN sobriety!

It's All Good!

After posting in here yesterday morning, as well as my powerful post at my other blog yesterday morning (link in right margin), and then right after that an unexpected phone call from my sexy long-distance boyfriend(!), I just couldn't wait to get started drinking! All out of positive energy.

Like I said, I try to follow the promptings of the universe! That's why I generally don't plan specific drinking days. But I'm successful at sticking to how many days a week I intend to drink; which is 2 times a week, 3 is ok, and I'm aiming to get down to 1. Prior to this success I'd been drinking up to 5 times a week for several months. UGH.

MODERATION IS KING!

MODERATION IS EVERYTHING!

It's The New Norm To Do The Impossible

  Take this very short video from Jack Canfield of The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin) for example:

  The 4-Minute Mile Solution

  He's right. And as for me personally I'm not even doing the book the way it was designed to do: One chapter every one or two or three days + quitting drinking for 30 days in a row. I'm doing it my own way and I'm still getting results.

  It's a bloody miracle, if you ask me, that for the first time in my long life I have been able to go from problem drinking to moderate drinking without having to quit drinking first! This is ACTUALLY happening!


  I'm really looking forward to enjoying a few beers tonight and watching quality TV! It's fun to plan ahead when I'm going to drink, it's also fun to go as the spirit moves me or the universe prompts me. One thing is for sure, I'll Never Have To Fear Alcohol Again. When I was into teetotaling due to thinking I couldn't drink, there was fear of drinking because I believed I would "go to jail, go insane, or die" as CultAA pounded into me since I was in my 20s.

  I'm allowing myself to drink twice (even three times, for now) a week; that's my drinking plan. I aim for once a week. Just a few short weeks ago I was averaging up to 4 or 5 times a week for several months. UGH. (but it served a purpose)

  This week I'll be drinking just twice: I drank on Tuesday (a lot, 6 drinks over many hours because I started at noon, and enjoyed it), and tonight, and then not again until next week which starts on Monday for me. I think it will feel easy and natural for me to only have about four beers tonight, but I'll let you know. I allow myself to have as much as I want, unlike when I was trying to keep it to 4 or less when I was drinking more often. It simply becomes more and more natural to drink less. I have this thing I do, also, where I always pour out the last half of the last drink!

  And please note: It's EASY and FUN to have substance-free days! None of that "white-knuckling" bullshit no mo!

  I attribute my success to many different things. The programs I've utilized, this blog and telling the truth, in general: Love as the Master Healer (especially the growing self love), sheer determination, personal and spiritual growth, becoming more productive in my day-to-day life, Finally Getting Rid Of My Fucking FOO! (family of origin)

More Focusing On Health

Like so many of us, I've been on a healing journey for a very, very long time. Regarding physical health issues, I certainly got more than my share. And using booze to self-medicate sometimes, in lieu of meds (don't take 'em, never will), has been a positive for the most part. (Not the only reason to drink, of course!)

Anywho, I'm so grateful I really am going to be able to remain a drinker; it's a fun perk in life. I admit I was worried there for a while that drinking was going to prove too problematic for me, just like in the past (those hundreds of times). I was even more worried that the CultAANazis were going to feel justified when I "failed" at drinking. LOL.

I wouldn't be surprised if I end up drinking just twice this week, instead of my "allowed" three times.
We shall see about that, but yesterday was a lovely abs day, as will today be.

Yesterday I started delving into this: www.hackinghashimotos.com

It's going to be a very thorough and intensive program to further help heal my health. It goes without saying that it will help me curb my drinking even more.

I don't have expectations of healing this one of my illnesses, Hashimotos Thyroiditis, because I've been sick with it for over two decades and because I'm 59 and with the devastating and debilitating disease of ME/CFS, but I do expect some positive results. And I'm certainly going to learn new things to try, to bring healing to my poor ole bod. In the two decades I've been so ill, I've done quite a bit of healing due to self efforts and luck. (I have yet to find in-network doctor's who can help me with either disease, or who even know much about them.)

P.S. In The Spirit Of Setting The Record Straight

I drank 6 shots of vodka yesterday between noon and 7 pm.
I put it in tall glasses of Structured Water.
I bought a half-pint of vodka yesterday at noon to celebrate my book. : )
5 hours later I drove to BevMo to get two more single shots of vodka.
I had smoked a bit of cannabis first.
My BAC may have been normal, actually, because I was averaging less than one standard drink per hour.
HOWEVER, I don't know what my BAC was, and I DO know I was impaired and had no right to be behind the wheel!

Believe me, now that I've gone public about sometimes driving after I drank, I know I'll never do it again, and I will tell you if I do.

I just found this online (I'm certainly not a man, but I do weigh 170 lbs.):

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:  As a general rule, disregarding things like individual weight, sex and personal metabolic rate, 2 standard drinks (see definition below), consumed during the first hour of drinking, will increase a person's level of blood alcohol concentration (BAC) to approximately .05%  Remember that, for now, in Missouri, to be legal is defined as less than .08% for an adult.    If you continue drinking one standard drink per hour after that, then your blood alcohol level should remain very near .05%  The key to using this general rule to estimate your BAC, is to make a mental note of the time you started drinking, and the exact number of drinks consumed.  As an example, to figure out if you are over .05%, count the hours since you started and then add 1 to the number.  If you started drinking at 7:00 PM, and it is now 9:00 PM, 2 hours have passed.  Add 1, and you get 3, which is the number of standard drinks you could have consumed and still be close to .05% BAC.  If 3 hours have passed, then add 1, and you can consume 4 standard drinks, to still be around .05%.  Another way to look at it, if you are trying to pace yourself, is to allow for 2 standard drinks the first hour, and only 1 standard drink for each hour after that.  The General rule works best for a man weighing aprox. 170 pounds.  It will not be accurate for a 120 pound woman.

I Had Too Much Fun Yesterday! ;)

I celebrated big-time after having returned to working on my memoir after three years away from writing it!

Boy, nothing like vodka and cannabis to spell PARTY!

I also do this thing where I become The Love Bug and bring Blessings and Healings to people I encounter, and they of course are providing the same right back to me! It always leaves everyone beaming with smiles and feeling good!
One person I met and chatted with was Maya, a homeless woman. It was awesome. Her strength and resilience truly inspired me. I was able to help her out with 10 bucks too that I happened to have on me.

Monday is the start of my drinking week. I didn't drink on Monday. I certainly won't drink today.
I'm working my way to drinking twice a week. I've gone from drinking 4 or 5 times a week the past couple months or so to drinking 3 times a week the past couple weeks.

My confession though: Sometimes I drive after I've been drinking to get more booze and THATS NOT COOL, and THAT HAS TO STOP NOW!

May My Honesty Bring Healing To The Situation


I have too much fun though, when I'm buzzed and interacting with people! Gonna be a hard habit to break, I think! But, clearly, I have no choice because it's CRAZY and STUPID and I'M RISKING IT ALL. I can't even stand to think about what could happen. It could potentially destroy our lives and others'!

I'M  SO  SORRY!

 NEED TO ALWAYS KEEP IT:

Checking In

I Am Rocking Sobriety! : )
Perhaps the foundation for this is:  judyactonayala.blogspot.com//to-breathe

The difference between a lightworker and a victim has nothing to do with the situations faced, but how one responds to the circumstances at hand. A lightworker uses their world of experiences to become the change they wish to see, while a victim is hurt by the actions of a world, while waiting for the change they have yet to become. On a spiritual level, a victim is a lightworker in training.  ~ Matt Kahn  

It's Not As Easy As I Make It Seem

Keeping this blog is an act of bravery and courage to begin with.
Telling the truth is MESSY.

The truth is I don't know what I'm going to do until I do it, when it comes to drinking or not drinking.
All my best intentions, and all my sincere beliefs in being able to stick to a plan, are simply not to be trusted, or to put it more kindly, are not always what manifests.

I can truly only mark my progress by reviewing my past actions.

So, the good news is, I have DEFINITELY cut-back on my drinking in the past few weeks, and by quite a lot.
Not being able to stick to a plan might mean I need to modify the plan.
Or maybe, making the plan is a needed tool for me, like the placebo effect; I need to sincerely believe something is true in order to help me move forward.

Perhaps I have been trying to jump from point A to point C, and that's not what works for me.
Remember, this is ALL trial-and-error; I'm teaching myself how to become the Sobrietist of my dreams.

To think that I could go from drinking 4 or 5 times a week to 2 times a week might have been a tad unrealistic for me.
Others could do it though; everyone is different.

The fact that I've gone to 3 times a week is Not A Failure!
And please let me remind you, my drinking was moderate from 2013 until mid-2015, after being substance-free all of 2012.

A KEY tool in the HAMS program (link in right margin) that works for many people is Tapering-Off.
And HAMS also Celebrates any positive change.

Tapering-off must be what's working for me.

Maybe if I had a worse drinking problem than I do I couldn't do this. That's my best guess.

I learned that most people in The 30-Day Sobriety Solution, and The Life Process Program (links in right margin) with worse drinking problems than me, choose to quit drinking and embrace teetotaling.

It's fucking HARD to moderate your drinking all the time, people!!!

I am in the position of not having to give up though, and I'm grateful for that.

I drank a 6-pack of O'Mission gluten-free Pale Ale Friday = 7 standard drinks (due to alcohol content). Drink Calculator:  LINK

I didn't drink yesterday, even though I went through an emotional experience that ANNIHILATED me. That's a very healthy sign that I'm not inclined to turn to the bottle under such circumstances. I'm not a fucking alcoholic you god damned CultAA-Nazis. Yes, readers, I am still being called one by them. But, forgive them for they know not what they do.

Good Morning! : )

Gosh how I love to power-up my laptop in the morning, make a yummy cup of coffee with heavy cream, and blog!

I truly have made a remarkable turn-around in my drinking.

Do you know why?

Because, just as The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin) teaches, drinking to excess is a symptom, not the problem.

Other progressive recovery groups hold this philosophy as well, including the Life Process Program (link in right margin).

I, personally, would have never known this as the truth because of learning over the decades from the majority of recovery organizations that alcohol is the problem. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy. If there had been progressive, realistic groups such as the two I mentioned, then, when I was in my 20s, I probably would have been spared the decades of self-destructive on-and-off drinking I did, and I would have been spared labeling myself as and believing myself to be an alcoholic.  Make sense?


Gosh, I really was drinking a lot since the holidays began last year.
This is the first time in my history I've been able to turn that around without having to quit drinking.
In other words, even though the programs I like think it's imperative to abstain from drinking for 30 days, I didn't have to do that. (I state my reasons here:  Had To Look Really Deep
Also, I've only ever "quit drinking for good" before when I got into trouble with booze.
Not to mention that I always had to tell myself that I was quitting for good in order to stop drinking---which never was for good, but I certainly have gone months or years at a time substance-free.

I'll never have to live in FEAR of alcohol again, the way I have lived most of my life due to groups like CultAA, Women For Sobriety, SMART, LifeRing, etc. They teach FEAR of drinking, by default.


Frankly, it's blowing my mind that I've been able to turn my drinking around on the heels of a long binge! And I still don't trust it yet! But we shall see!

Recap: My present Sobrietist plan is to drink twice a week; this week drank on Monday (too much), and Wednesday (a bottle of wine). I'd been drinking up to 5 times a week for months, ranging between 1 - 8 drinks, usually somewhere in the middle. If all goes as planned, I won't drink again before my week starts on Monday. The previous week or two I'd cut way back, but I honestly don't remember if I drank more than twice a week or not! I think I may have last week though! I'll ask my daughters....  : )

Looking forward to a very sober weekend! : )

Thanks, I Needed That!

Gosh it's good to feel good about my drinking again!
Turns out yesterday was the perfect day for me to indulge.

(I told myself as I was driving to the liquor store feeling guilty for not waiting until my planned drinking day of Friday, "I will only forgive myself if I don't drink again until Monday!", thinking I was breaking my drinking plan... but I wasn't!... I was creating a new one!)

I had such a positive and productive day, then by 5 pm I was too fatigued even to read, so my only choice was to watch TV.
But there was nothing good on my DVR.
Drinking that bottle of wine while watching MSNBC The Place For Politics and playing solitaire on my laptop, and then watching American Idol live at 8pm (Go LaPorsha and that MIRACLE! baby of yours!) =
A delightful night!

I like this new Sobrietist plan to drink only twice a week and to not choose the days ahead of time, but let them choose me, for the most part; sometimes I'll plan ahead.
I also like giving myself the freedom to drink as much as I want, instead of keeping it to 1-4 drinks, which I would need to do if I drank more than twice a week.
It's not like I'm out of control and drinking to excess! My excess would be more than 6 drinks, and those times are rare for me, you see.
Everyone is different, yo!
That bottle of Barefoot Pinot Grigio was 5 drinks.

I'm confident that I'll not want to drink before my week starts on Monday.
It's easier for me to not drink on the weekends than during the week, I found out.
I seem to almost need to drink on Monday's. LOL!

LET'S   ROCK   SOBRIETY!

You Choose What Sobriety Is For You

To Go From Drinking 4 Or 5 Times A Week To Drinking 2 Times A Week Ain't No Small Thing

Loving this process
Never know what's going to happen next
What an interesting and enlightening and challenging journey
NOW my plan is to drink no more than 2 times a week and Not focus on any particular days
OR how many I drink
So Far So Good
If/when I get through until Monday without drinking again
Drank Monday
Am drinking now (a bottle of wine)(as always, I will report if I drink more than that)
After a very productive day of de-cluttering and cleaning and helping my wonderful little family!

More Of What It's Like For Me

It's like I'm two different people, and I know a lot of drinkers can relate.
I'm so enjoying my substance-free days, and had three in a row Friday-Sunday.
It's so easy for me, and I'm so grateful and happy about that.
Sometimes I wonder why I even want to drink at all!
But then there's my wild side that I truly want to honor and celebrate.
And she does love to party.

When I'm sober my life is so "normal" and rather sophisticated, and I'm kind of a square
When I party with booze and pot I get more in touch with my creative energy, and actually, I get pretty deep into deeper thoughts. My imagination always surprises and delights me, and my spirit will do anything to soar. I see the super subtle innuendos in life, like in TV shows, that I miss when sober. I often get clear about things, and insights. I like altering my consciousness.


I'm feeling pretty darn grounded in my Sobrietist plan at long last.--- But I'm not there yet.
The depression I was in has lifted, and the deep grieving I'm going through is lighter.
I'm being much more productive again, including doing spring cleaning and de-cluttering my house. : )

I'm not even totally sure why I drank yesterday because I didn't really want to; I want to wait until Friday or Saturday or Sunday to do my once-a-week drinking. Then I will feel truly guilt-free and confident. I feel I could have easily chosen to wait, even though it's been months since I've gone six or more days without drinking, and even though I was super stressed about something that happened (someone stole from me, possibly someone we know, and now I have to cancel our credit card; the one we use like cash, and is connected to many auto-payments), and even though I had my teeth cleaned which totally exhausts me due to the ME/CFS, and drinking gives me energy.

I guess I did it because I had given myself permission to drink twice a week, and because I had just gone three days substance-free, which is the longest I've gone for a while, I'm pretty sure.
(In 2014 I averaged drinking once a week. In 2015 when I got tangled up with my abusive FOO again--family of origin--my drinking started to progress, and was often a problem until I took the steps I needed to take to orphan myself again---once I finally got the whole truth about them.)
(But then, in addition to the depression and PTSD, a special personal relationship went sour due to the heavy drinking, and I continued to drink too much.)
(That friendship is well on the mend, thank God, and has become much more honest too.)

I drank more than I should have yesterday. More than the 6-pack. I'm going to work on that. I suffered in the night with anxiety, but I don't have a hangover due structuring my booze with Structured Water.

My former plan was to drink whenever I wanted but only drink 1-4 standard drinks, remember?
And I never drink every day; never have never will.
My current plan suits me better for now; drinking once a week, and it can be a 6-pack of O'Mission gluten-free beer if I want that much..... I simply love to get a good buzz and have a private party! Not all the time though. Sometimes I prefer to drink moderately.

This is all a process--this drinking journey--and I'm winging it. It's all so fascinating to me.


Everyone has to choose for themselves what moderation and sobriety is for them.

MODERATION IS KING!

MODERATION IS EVERYTHING!

It's My Nature...

And my spiritual practice
To be honest
And I love it

About everything
In general
As a human being

I live by telling the truth

For this blog
I tell the truth about my drinking

I love to get toasted
I'm getting toasted on beer right now
But I'm supplementing with plenty of Structured Water for health and hydration and no hangover

I'm working on a 6-pack
Within my drinking plan of drinking once or twice a week

So
I'm super bad-ass!

Feelin' Very Good And Doin' It For Love!

Oh my gosh, all I can think about is How Very Different everyone's drinking journey is!
The perils and trials and good times too of my own journey over the decades has brought me to where I am right now;
And right now is a very good place!

And, I'm sorry... no, I'm Not sorry!... I won't apologize for delighting in sticking it to all the nay-sayers, accusers, judgers, name-callingers----the ones who told me it couldn't be done, or that I personally couldn't do it.
Again, this common attitude is mainly because of the "recovery movement mentality" in our country.

I'm proceeding in my Sobrietist plan, I'm doing it for love, and it feels so good!
Love of others (perhaps one other in particular!), love of self, love of health...

When I actually get to my first goal: Drinking once a week (and it will be easy to go easy that way too), and maintain it for a while, I'm going to feel even better about myself and my life, and my confidence is going to go through the roof! (Pardon the cliche!)

Reminder: My first goal is to drink once a week, and my plan is that it's OK to drink twice a week until I get there. (My second goal will probably be to drink every-other week.)

I've been easily-peasily substance-free since Friday (drank on Thursday), and really know in my heart that it's possible for me to not drink until this coming Friday. I don't want to jinx anything though; it just feels like it would be easier for me to achieve this right now than it has been before.

The Power of Love is so fucking real, y'all! As Love grows in one's life and heart, well, it is simply the Master Healer. Period.

I Don't Even Know What To Say!

Life has been supremely rocky lately, extremely intense, downright emotional, and, well, painful and hard. And even though I noticed a significant drop in how much I would have drunk in the past during such grieving and crisis, I have been turning to alcohol to help. Cannabis too. But cannabis rocks and I really wish I preferred it over drinking! I still only use it after I've had a few drinks. Sometimes it helps me drink less and sometimes it makes me want to drink more. Sometimes, if it gives me the munchies, which is not always, I'll eat instead of drink more.

We all know that Stephen King successfully shifted from booze to pot, right? He's been living healthily that way for many years! His drinking problem was far more severe than mine and I understand why he needed and wanted to quit drinking.

I keep focusing on how much better my drinking is than it was before, and how I've been able to drink less without having to abstain from drinking for a long time first. I'm still benefiting greatly from The 30 Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin), but I have explained in great detail in my blog why doing their "imperative" 30-days of abstinence is not a good idea for me. So, I'm doing things my way. I'm trusting myself enough to trust myself.

I don't drink every day, never have. My goal is to drink only once a week, and I delight in that idea because I love sobriety and substance-free days. I'm sooo interested in health, you know? Not to mention happiness!

When I make it to my goal, I'll probably want to have my next goal be drinking every-other week!

For now, I'm going to aim for drinking twice a week. I've already come really close to doing that as a habit, and achieved it once before the shit majorly hit the fan in my life.

It's not easy being a Highly Sensitive Person with a chronic illness that forces you to live in bed 20 hours a day! Booze is my meds, that is, I use it to self-medicate sometimes. That's certainly not the only reason I drink. I'm an "alcohol enthusiast" like Rachel Maddow. : )

There's So Much To Say!

To begin with, my thoughts to myself this morning!:

I Love Myself For Telling The Whole Truth!

I Honor Myself For Telling The Whole Truth!

I Respect Myself For Not Waiting!

I Am FREE!!!

I can't elaborate on that right now though! Sorry! It's a personal matter regarding a relationship, and has nothing to do with drinking. 

And I certainly don't feel like a Loser anymore either! (Which I have felt like, but even telling myself the truth about how I really felt about that too, helped!)

And I feel it's just like The 30 Day Sobriety Solution program said (link in right margin): By getting courageously completely honest with myself, and taking BRAVE needed steps, I lifted the need for the crutch of drinking too much? At least I hope so! It sure feels that way! It sure feels like I'm on my way to that just around the corner, if I'm not already there!

Depressed But Sober

Grieving a lot. Personal matters.
Was a positive drinking experience Monday. Since then I am choosing to abstain, out of sheer desire, for many days.
I know there are readers watching me, expecting me to fail, even wanting me to fail at becoming a consistent moderate drinker (the CultAA Nazis who blatantly call me "an alcoholic in denial!").
(I should add that I can't blame my attackers because, after all, they have been brainwashed to think that way.)
But I know there are even more readers rooting for me and believing in me.
And I know I'm helping and inspiring others, just as the programs I'm in are helping and inspiring me.