My Drinking History: Over four decades of mostly problem drinking, five drunken-related arrests in my 20s (the early 80s), of abstinence and binge-drinking, of trying moderation and usually-or-often failing, of being immersed in almost every other recovery group out there, but of being mostly sober.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

I'm Looking Forward To Doing This

...Even if it means no alcohol for 28 days, I'm so totally up for that because it's easy for me to not drink, y'all. :D

I've been wanting to do another cleanse but none resonated until this one, which starts 1/4!


I listened to the video yesterday and took notes:

12/29/15
SARK Body Revolution with Marnie Northrup. The Wild Succulent Body Cleanse!
7 Questions:

1) DECIDE. What I want my experience of my body to be.
Is my body where I want it to be right now?:  Not fully
How do I want to feel?:   I want to feel good in my clothes, and sexy. I want to feel more comfortable naked.  Make the decision daily.

 2) LISTEN TO YOUR INNER WISDOM AND BODY AND TAKE ACTION FROM THERE.

3) ALLOW MY EMOTIONS TO BE MY GUIDE. 
Self care is tending to our emotions as they come up, little by little. E-Motions = energy.

4) TRANSFORM MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY INNER CRITIC. She's always present wanting me to be perfect.
Don't need to put my life on hold till I have the perfect body. It creates our physiology.

5) CREATE BEAUTIFUL BOUNDARIES. It's OK to take up space!
Our bodies will do it for us if we don't (take up space). I deserve to feel that space with love. The appropriate uses of the words No and Yes can make more room for love.

6) RELEASE WHAT CAN FEEL LIKE A WAR WITH OUR BODY AND LIVE IN A JOYFUL SOLUTION. Be in a loving, juicy, wild relationship with our bodies, and nurture it.

7) CELEBRATE THE PERFECTION OF MY BODY AND ALL THE BODIES AROUND ME.
:D
And celebrate my progress too!

SARKs Love Notes:
Dearest sweet darling adorable Susan....

Dear beautiful, talented, creative, wise, succulent, happy woman, Judy,
I see the grand strides you are making to heal your life and your body and to become the happy, evolved person you truly are, and I am so proud of you! I love you more than words can say. I love how you roll with the punches. I love how you bounce back quickly from your imperfections and mistakes and flood yourself with love and I love yous to your beautiful heart when you falter. I love how you never give up on yourself, your life, and your healing.
More later!!

xo, Judy

(It's me, Jaya!) :D

My daughter's bff's hat and 1D record player : )

Saturday, December 26, 2015

OMG! 'Tis The Perfect Day For Drinking!

Who Knew?! :D

Who Knew the day after Christmas is the Perfect day for solitude, reflection, and drinking?! :D

As a newly-formed moderate drinker, I certainly didn't know what a treasure was awaiting me on this calendar day! :D

I'm blissed-out up in here! :D

(I'm so fucking Blessed!!) :D

All Is Right With The World! :D

Peace
Quiet
Solitude
Beer
Tequila
Moderation
My laptop
My little family happy in their own solitudes

:D

Day After Christmas Heaven


'Twas Indeed A Moderate-Drinking Christmas! : )

I had 3 drinks on Christmas Eve, and 1 drink on Christmas!
Here's some pics of our holiday:



Monday, December 21, 2015

I Trust That This Is Lasting Moderation :D

Just a note for those new to my blog. :)

I KNOW my being a moderate drinker is here to stay, for several reasons! :D (But, yes, time will tell!)

Some of the reasons in random order:

  • My little family sees it and trusts the change!
  • I FEEL that things have shifted in my mind and body
  • I no longer crave alcohol; I'm simply an "alcohol enthusiast" like MSNBCs Rachel Maddow and thousands of others!
  • I no longer desire to drink more than my personally designed drinking plan         (0-3-or-4 standard drinks, seldomly 5-6---when it's appropriate to party hearty!)
  • I frequently drink only 0, or 1, or 2 standard drinks when I drink
  • There Is Absolutely NO "White-Knuckling" Goin' On
  • I Magically, Miraculously switched to drinking moderately one month ago on the heels of several months of drinking heavily*

....*That last one has NEVER happened before. For decades the only time I could moderate my drinking was after being alcohol-free for a long time; and then, it would never last; I'd always get right back to problem drinking within a couple of weeks.


PLEASE email me your experiences if you are a moderate drinker who conquered a drinking problem (anonymously if you want), and I'll include your story in the book I'm going to write. :D


jaya.rainbow.angel@gmail.com


By The Time I Write A Book About This, I'll Truly Know Fer Sure If Moderation Is Holding For Me!

Last night I drank half a beer. Geeez, what an alchi!  ...NOT! :D

I really want to turn this blog into a book.
Moderation success stories..... truly Major transformation stories are exciting, and needed in the world!
Helping to integrate the very flawed "Recovery Movement Mentality" into the earth's new 5th dimensional way of being is needed too!
Things DO get better and become integrated. In other words, it's not loving to destroy the ego, and besides, it doesn't serve anything or anyone. It's loving to allow discordant energy to be transmuted and integrated into a higher vibration.

I hope to hear from others, but so far, no bites.

Are there not enough moderation success stories yet?
Are people just shy? Even if they remain anonymous?

Perhaps a book like mine would be very ground-breaking then!

I can't wait to get started!

My working title is "F U CAA! (F@%k You CultAA!)"

LOL!, I love it! Dunno if I'd be able to get away with it or not!

I don't apologize for being Very Opinionated about AA; they caused me So Much Harm, and they ARE responsible for hundreds of suicides (if not more).  Research the links in the right margin.
Even during my own decades in and out of the cult, I heard of many friends ending their lives. They felt like hopeless losers and failures because they 'couldn't grasp this simple program!'

But, believe me, my book is NOT going to be an AA-bashing session, I'm only going to make references to AA, and will try to be kind and non-judgmental. My book will be mostly POSITIVE and HAPPY about STRENGTH and TRANSFORMATION, and thoughts about believing in oneself and the Power in that. .....Mostly, it's going to simply be the story of my personal experiences in my very long journey with alcohol, which proved to be the greatest challenge of my life!

The Happy Ending to the book is TRUE.  And it's SO amazing and miraculous. Who woulda thunk it!


jaya.rainbow.angel@gmail.com

Sunday, December 20, 2015

I Had Such Fun Last Night! :D ---- And A Request

Wow, this drinking life just gets better and better!

Not only do I get to enjoy moderating regularly: 0-3 or 4 standard drinks, but I get to over-indulge once in a while, with No Problem! :D

(Again, take THAT CultAA!) ;)

I did not expect that! I mean, I did expect to not be perfect and to have 5 or 6 drinks at times, but I didn't expect it to be consequence-free for me. In other words, sometimes it's simply time to party hearty! I didn't have any consequences in the night, and no hangover today. That might be because the drinking/smoking cannabis experience was such a happy one, and also because of the two 5mg Valiums I took at bedtime. That stuff is a great aid in times like this. (I have always used Valium very lightly and a 30-pill Rx will last me two years sometimes, and will always last no less than 3 months, but usually it's quite a bit longer. I don't just take it when I've had too much to drink, you see, I sometimes take one to help me fall asleep when I'm having trouble doing so.) .....Not to mention that the last 2 drinks of 6 were silver tequila, not beer like the first 4 (silver tequila being easier on my system). ....I started drinking early yesterday; 3 pm! That's because I had presents to wrap and it helps ease the pain in my hips and lower back when sitting cross-legged on the floor. The times I had only 1 drink this month were the times I was wrapping presents!)

All this POSITIVITY does for me is motivate and inspire me to moderate even more, even better.

I see myself drinking less and less as the months go on.

Last night, watching John Lennon's 75th Birthday Special with all those FANTABULOUS artists performing Lennon's AMAZING songs-----it was like I was 22 again! Partying gives me the energy and body-painlessness to dance my ass off ! I was 23 when he transitioned to the other side; he is still so very much alive and part of us, and last night proved it! I loved seeing Yoko and hearing her few and so perfectly appropriate words last night. What a deep bond those two still have: TRUE Twin Souls!!

I also performed an act of good citizenship in my neighborhood last night, but that's another story!

I've absolutely GOTTA write a book based on this blog.

IF YOU ARE A FELLOW SUCCESSFUL MODERATOR WITH A STORY OF RECOVERY, PLEASE EMAIL ME! I'D LOVE TO INCLUDE YOUR STORIES AND EXPERIENCES IN MY BOOK! ANONYMITY IS FINE!

jaya.rainbow.angel@gmail.com




Saturday, December 19, 2015

P.S.

I'm watching "Imagine:John Lennon 75th Birthday" on AMC  !

And just earlier this evening I gave the magazine to my surrogate son, my youngest daughter's bff, for his Christmas present !


I Made A Conscious Decision To Get Drunk Tonight : )

I'm enjoying it now but I may not feel the same way in the night and in the morning!

This is only the third time this month I haven't moderated; a true successful moderation story in the making!

I keep track on my calendar:



Thursday, December 17, 2015

Actually, One Single Beer Was The Way To Go Last Night

Wow, one Omission gluten-free Pale Ale at 6:30 while sitting cross-legged on the floor wrapping Christmas presents was better than abstaining. It eased the physical aches in my hips and lower back, and it eased the bit of stress I happened to be in then. And then I guess it was the hops that helped me have a perfect night's sleep last night. (That's why hops-blend tea is recommended two or three hours before bedtime, btw.)

Hmm, though, I still don't see myself becoming a daily drinker, even if it's just 1!

GO MODERATION!

When we act according to our own values, we have integrity.

My drinking values are 0-3, sometimes 4.


Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Anybody Want Some Edibles?


Candy_Hearts

I tried one after drinking 4 of my 6-pack of beer (Omission Gluten-Free; yum). And btw, another shout-out to myself for the total self-control that is now mine.

I'd tried one of these 10 mg THC candy hearts a month ago, and it had the same effect, so now I know fer sure. Everyone is different, but for me it causes insomnia, and now my morning plans are ruined on account of I'm bushed. At least the high was pleasant and didn't create anxiety. Maybe these would be good for people who imbibe during the day.

I'm not big into any cannabis products anymore. Sometimes I'll have a few tokes on my vape pen at night to help me sleep, and for the buzz. Sometimes I'll use CBD tincture for aches and pains.

Looking forward to another abstinence day today. : )

I'm telling ya, my blog is going to become obsolete!

Monday, December 14, 2015

. . .

Well, I suppose it will happen sometimes!

Last night I simply chose to polish off the bottle I had, as well as treat lower back pain.

I'm not worried about my moderation ability!

Today will be an enjoyable 0 day, just like the day before yesterday!


Sunday, December 13, 2015

You Are The Only One Who Gets To Know This Right Now

You know who you are.

I've enjoyed 5 shots of tequila today! :D

But I am still moderating

And I'm Happy and Proud and Confident !

And I will Always tell you the truth --- even if you are not ready to tell ME the truth !

It's All Good !

OMG --- this Premium Bubba Kush cannabis is the bomb too! :)

It was the most beautiful and perfect day ever today!
My perfectforme wonderful beautiful little family and I bought and decorated our Christmas Tree!
Perhaps later than usual because the patriarch just returned from Finland!

Here are a couple of pictures of our perfectbeautiful tree ............ oh man, it's raining right now!
Hallelujah ! ! !

......Where was I ? .....

Who knows and who cares!

I Love Life!!!

O! Now I remember! Our tree, the one we happy four bought from Home Depot and decorated this evening... I walked out into the living room this evening and saw a HEART ornament vibrating! My daughter saw it too! (BTW, I swear I'm from the planet Arcturius or something) ( is that the planet that is about hearts? ) (because I see hearts Everywhere, in Everything!)

These pictures were taken after-the-fact so don't be lookin' for no movement from the heart ornament !



Saturday, December 12, 2015

LPP Still In The House --- Rockin' It!

(Link in right margin)
I'm sharing many of the choicest responses from my coach, Shelly, from
Module 5: Resources

I continue to strongly recommend the Life Process Program as the Perfect tool and resource to help people overcome any kind of "addiction" or bad habit!

.I wholeheartedly believe that people possess within themselves the resources to tackle challenges that come up in their lives. I just dont think a lot people realize and utilize their own ability to access these resources when they need them. LPP works hard at aiding people by helping them find those inner strengths and resources, some that have yet to be discovered or have lied dormant for many years; we have the privilege through our work to see people become successful by learning to become their own advocate in life and agent of change.


Many people want a little more inner strength so that they dont abuse or fall prey to the excess of any addictive habit--there are too many to list as discussed in previous module reflection:) When emotions are strong in a persons life, either good or bad, they are diluted somewhat after an intense exercise session. This is a strong tool for achieving emotional balance. When you work out really hard and exercise with great intensity, it sort of turns down the volume of those emotions. They may still be there but they are far less important--they are less damaging. They cannot hurt you or affect you as much because the exercise is so intense. This could involve traditional exercise or even meditative practices. When I think of exercise and speak of it, I am speaking of it in either a physical sense or emotional sense as is seen with mental exercises; this is a personal preference available for everyone and whatever their life conditions are.


With respect to the FOO, do you FINALLY hold the power now in those relationships? I want you to challenge yourself when vulnerable FOO moments come, to recognize which part of you is feeling stuck or inferior, and align your inner self with your own power and control. Make sense? In some relationships the balance of power needs to shift at times, but only if to do so is less toxic and allows you to operate in a collective health.


Every relationship that we have is an emotional investment. Sometimes when we put our energy into the wrong things, we grow distance between us and the very things or people that we feel we need and dont want to lose in our lives. But who we emotionally invest ourselves in, are the relationships that support us and help sustain us the most during hard times. So the shift is now happening for you Jaya, where you are now putting much more effort into your primary relationships, and finally onto yourself, instead of other things. You know what the right things are now: love, patience, attention, focusing on those closest to you. Loved ones may still have their guard down, but if there is anything that can break down an emotional wall that has been built for self preservation and protection, it is LOVE--the unconditional kind goes a long way. I have a lot of hope for you and your situation with your loved ones=)


Which coping skills have improved the most, Miss Jaya? What changes did you have to make with your mindset to get as far as you are today with maintaining good use of problem solving and coping skills. Are there still struggles with emotional reactivity and jumping to assumptions?--which is fear-based living.--Im stretching you to look at this area, because I care of course!


Which skills (problem-solving and coping skills) do you identify right now as being ones that are the most difficult for you or that you feel you need better practice and management of?


You have done FABULOUS! We all can improve in one way or another. I sense that you have been wanting and ARE successfully building your coping skills up to a level where they are on autopilot in your mind, to respond and kick in when the situation requires it to, as well as being present and mindful or aware of what your emotional triggers are and what you are thinking and feeling. ALWAYS dare to challenge your inner critic--a part of yourself that can really sneak up on you--Remember that emotional reactivity arises out of the quality of our thought life.


Notice that when you exceed your healthy moderation level of drinking, youre giving it power and allowing IT to cope with circumstances in your life, instead of you, to the extent that the self management skills tend to go out the window! Choosing which thoughts and memories you want to feed with more attention and energy, and which ones serve no purpose to continue to do that for or replay in your mind over and over, is a lesson worth learning and gaining more proficiency in. Nobody wants to feel controlled by their life circumstances or people. I want your life story to include the worst of these memories because I want to help you successfully work through them so they arent continuing to control your life, especially your future.


OH OH...want to add...when any type of stress or triggers to stress sneak up on you, remember that--Mental stress is based on fear and is sometimes rooted in shame or guilt - based thinking! Our spiritual self--as you know--lives in a container of centeredness and self love:) So I really want you to monitor that for me closely right now. Lets work together on growing in this area of your life.


I think the key in this area is to find a way to live comfortably, while also gaining satisfaction from the work you are doing. I wish you could start perhaps leaving a donation area on your blogspot since it is so active and GROWING!! Youre a natural writer:)  -----------> You heard the coach, readers! Donate-up when I get that set-up! ;) HeeHee!


You are proving to be at a good place where you are now using more mindfulness techniques to ease overwhelming thoughts and memories that are associated with negative feelings that may come on occasion. What will help your memory centers of the brain right now, is continuing to focus on strengthening the following skills: mindfulness, goal-setting, measuring your goals, exploring values and holding yourself to them, future planning and anticipation, strengthening relationships with loved ones, and reframing negativity into positivity--immediately when you feel a moment of mental assault come on!

More thoughts that I would like to throw out there: When we are worried, we are focused on the wrong thing. Usually we are focused on the outcome we DONT want to have happen. We focus on these negative what ifs and help create that outcome by giving so much attention to it. Our brains try to find us more thoughts that match the things we think about. If you are thinking about something, even if you dont want it to happen, your brain helps create it for you. When you have more and more worry, you create neural pathways for it. Eventually it impacts your other thoughts and turns you into a worrier and you overflow your mental river banks with negative thinking. This week: I want you to ask yourself these questions--How much worrying do I do? Keep track of all the things you worry about for a full day. Write them down. Now assess them carefully. Are they really things you need to worry about, or are you wasting your time and energy worrying about things that are a) unimportant or b) not likely to happen?



Thursday, December 10, 2015

WIGGLE ROOM

Well now, I even seem to have unintentionally created some wiggle room for myself in my moderation plan!

Yesterday morning, in my fun conversation with my separated-bff-husband in Finland on a business trip!, he was so alive and happy and a little bit drunk because they HAD to drink cuz they jumped into the FREEZING water in a hole cut in the ice! Then they ran into the hot sauna!

I simply wanted to symbolically party with him last night! So I allowed myself a 4th drink---I had homemade silver tequila lemonade (never made that before, it was yum)---I had one drink per hour. I was feeling so fine and happy, I wanted another! But then I remembered that NO I didn't! If I did I would suffer in the night and the next morning! So I easily stopped.

And THEN I realized! Hey! I'm still moderating even though I went beyond my new 0-3 plan! : )
Cuz 4 is also moderating. So, how cool that when I go over my new mods limit of 3 by having 4 I'm still in my previous mods limit! No consequences in the night or this morning!

I'm Creating A Really Perfect Drinking Life For Myself And I LOVE It!

In case I didn't mention it in a while, when I say 0-3, that does indeed include nights I only drink 1 or 2; which happens frequently; as well as 0 happens frequently, like tonight will be.

Much Love To All
Much Success In Creating The Substance Use Of Your Dreams


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

I'm SO PROUD Of Myself !!

Seriously? I Can Hardly Believe It Myself, My Moderation Success Story!

But, nonetheless, It's Real! And It's True!

For the past Two weeks I've been consistently moderate,
And the week before that I was mostly moderate, except for two days,
And in the past three weeks I've enjoyed six 0 days,
but three of those were during this past week; so that's more progress!

Also, this past week I've successfully had no more than 3 drinks (standard drinks),
which means I've successfully changed MY moderation from 0-4 drinks to 0-3!
(I put MY in caps because everyone has to choose for themselves what moderation is.)

And an IMPORTANT factor is that it's being EASY and EFFORTLESS!
I'm not kidding!
There's NO "white-knuckling" nuthin!
I'm drinking this way because I truly WANT to and it FEELS GOOD!
It's So Easy to Stop drinking more now!

Shit, I should write a book!
Maybe I will!

WOW, if I could rescue other problem drinkers from CultAA and the Recovery Movement Mentality in general? That would ROCK!
And by "rescue" I really mean Help People Rescue Themselves!

Gosh, when I think about what a LUSH I was for the past decades during non-alcohol-free periods!, it blows my mind!

I should mention that I seem to have lost interest in cannabis products the past couple of weeks, and have barely touched them. But cannabis was never a problem for me anyway.


Monday, December 7, 2015

No News IS Good News!

<yawn> b o r i n g  report here!

Still successfully drinking either 0 or 1 or 2 or 3 standard drinks each day!

And LOVING it!

Seriously, if I can do this, sooo many others can!

FUCK AA!!!! (there's a long story here) : )


MODERATION IS KING!
MODERATION IS EVERYTHING!

Friday, December 4, 2015

Just Checking In



This blog could become obsolete, huh!  W o r t h  it---if so!

My present moderation plan: 0-3 standard drinks. 'Twas 0-4. And I had a lot of trouble drinking less than 6-8 on drinking days pre-Thanksgivingtime those many weeks, remember? And then I sent that bye-bye letter to my FOO (family of origin), and, as if a curse was broken, started drinking moderately again. Shit, if you knew my entire drinking history, you'd understand what a Miracle that truly is. : )

But... you gotta stay tuned... for a while.... to see how it actually goes!!

Also new for me: I don't start drinking until 5pm on drinking days, and it's effortless to wait that long. I would very often start with a liquid lunch and proceed from there, or I'd start around 3pm. And I really enjoyed getting my buzz-on during the days I drank like that! So this is totally RADICAL what I'm doing here; the past many days; with many 0 days thrown in (I love my 0 days!)!

I'm halfway through this new beer I picked up at Whole Foods (treat us to shopping there once a month):


May You Be Blessed!

Monday, November 30, 2015

I Hate To Repeat Myself, But

Happiness
And
Balance
(and moderation)
Are 
Holding!

I guess, in other words,
Tell your truth!
(One moral of the story)


Saturday, November 28, 2015

P.S.

I didn't even mention that all this light drinking and abstaining happened without the help of my med-weed products!

Just sayin'! For the record!


Friday, November 27, 2015

May The Curse Be Broken !

The day after I snail-mailed the following letter to my ex-mother, ex-sister, and ex-brother (ex-father is deceased), I've been alternating, effortlessly and easily and enjoyably, between 0 drinks and 2 drinks; every other day; 0 one day, 2 the next; four days in a row now. That is quite a change from 6 - 8 drinks and only one or two abstinence days a week; for the past few weeks.

It feels appropriate to call it a "curse" that's lifted.

And Thanksgiving was sooo much fun with my little family. The four of us Love spending time together, especially on Christmas and Thanksgiving. : )  Yummy, healthy eats, then in the evening we watched the final Lord of the Rings movie while each sipping on a margarita; my first attempt at making those. Then cherry pie. (One margarita = 3 oz. of tequila = 2 shots/drinks. I didn't use triple sec, I used agave nectar.)

I really do feel like something major has shifted or lifted from my being and I feel happy and at peace again at long last. Now THATs some Powerful Writing! Here's the letter, snail-mailed inside my beautiful hand-made mandala cards for healing. A copy of the picture of my FOO (family of origin) and me was included.
____________________________________________________

11/21/15

May You Be Blessed. May You Be Healed.

Dear FOO (family of origin) ~

            For what it's worth, I feel compelled to write you this letter. There's absolutely nothing more important than family; whether that be birth family or extended family. Our story is a tragic one, that is, for me it is. The emotional suffering I am experiencing is unbearable and the worst pain I have ever known. To have your mother (and the rest of you, and all your relatives) turn her back on you, minimize the abuse by my father, deny the abuse by her, and call me crazy because of what ALL of it did to me...  How Does A Person Live With This ??? Richard says NO mother would turn her back on her child if she loved her.

            Profound, healing books, such as the one I've been begging you all to read for decades, "The Courage To Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, as well as many other books about abuse, as well as every therapist I've ever talked to, say that THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR A PARENT TO MINIMIZE OR DENY ANY ABUSE OF HER CHILD. And so, that is where are left, for that is exactly what is happening to me. And, dear souls, that ain't love.

            I just needed to get this out of me and onto you where it belongs.

From my book:

“We forgive by letting go of blame and opening to the pain we have tried to push away.”
   ~  Tara Brach

And:

"We are told"..."that until we forgive we will never heal. We forget that forgiveness is a grieving process that often includes the expression and release of negative emotions, especially disappointment and anger. It's no use trying to avoid these painful feelings. Forgiveness that is insincere, forced, or premature can be more psychologically damaging than authentic bitterness and rage." ~ Sharon Salzberg.

            This is where I'm at. My goal, my desire, my intention has never wavered my entire life: Only to bring Truth, Communication, Forgiveness, Healing, and Understanding to my FOO and me.

            You've finally gotten through to me by finally showing me your true colors; that that is NEVER EVER going to happen. So, I will continue working on healing my life, and on forgiveness, as an orphan.

            You are not welcome to contact any of us again unless it's to (also from my book):

·         Own your “stuff”
·         Validate the person’s feelings
·         Explain to understanding
·         Apologize when needed

            I am readily and easily willing and able to own "my" stuff; to take responsibility for my mistakes and actions, to apologize and all the rest of it --- always have been always will be. That's another way I am completely different from all of you.

           
Thank you for showing me what I was never meant to become.
Thank you for teaching me what I am strong enough to survive.




Tuesday, November 24, 2015

More Incentive For Me To Not OverDrink

Being old and being sick means drinking too much is causing me a lot of hip pain. Must be arthritis or ME/CFS----but the bottom line is it's INFLAMMATION.

I just know that when I truly move past this drinking-too-much phase, the hip pain will subside.

There is a personal news update that suggests good reason to believe I will regain control of my life again. It has to do with Matt's favorite meditation, "Let Life Win." Let life win and you are free.

I can't talk about it yet, and I'll explain why after Thanksgiving. But the steps I'm taking are making my loved ones even more proud of me.

So, on another topic, I wonder if I'll need to take a hiatus from drinking to heal the hip pain, or if drinking only 0 - 4 in a day will do the trick?

I haven't been ready/able to drink that little (except for the abs days I still do) all the time; in fact, most of the days I drink I go overboard even by as much as 8 drinks; but not as often as I was prior to my last post.

I don't know about other people, but I must need it for now. The emotional pain I've been going through has been unfathomable and unbearable; I've been deeply, deeply suffering because of my FOO (family of origin). The things I learned this year... OMG.... the level of abuse... and of their minimizing it or denying it... OMG. My entire central nervous system is SHOT TO HELL.

But I know time will heal this to a great degree now that they are out of my life again.
I also know everything that happens to me is designed to grow me spiritually.

I'm aware, very aware, that the holiday season is going to be HARD for me, especially given that childhood memories of Christmas were so happy, same with Thanksgiving.



Tuesday, November 17, 2015

It's Getting Better Again !

(but gosh does Dairy Queen cannabis stink!)

I am uplifted by the power of Love
And despite Unbearable emotional pain at the hands of my misguided family of origin
And despite my heart trying to have a heart-attack on a daily basis
And despite my using alcohol and cannabis to Save my heart
And despite my wanting to Die from heartbreak
And despite my wanting to numb-out and escape to the highest degree

I Am Improving

I Am Lessening My Substance Use

And I Am Drinking More Structured Water

PROGRESS Happens!
Self Love Happens!
Self Care Happens!

LIFE Happens!

"Let life win." ~ Matt Kahn


Monday, November 16, 2015

Thankful I Didn't Give Up On Drinking, Otherwise I Would Have To Give Up CBD Tincture!

CBD Tincture is preserved in alcohol, and if I quit drinking, using it would trigger me to drink. But as a drinker, I can use CBD tincture and NOT be triggered to drink! Like right now! I'm having sooo much anxiety and shortness of breath over my mother turning her back on me because she can't/won't face the truth of her abuse of me, that I often get scared I'll have a heart-attack. I didn't want to drink today, so took just seven drops of this good stuff, and my anxiety went away and I feel normal, not high. : )


Saturday, November 14, 2015

EVERYTHING CHANGED OVERNIGHT

I am CHOSEN to live an alcohol-free life.
I can't explain it.
It's just something I know.

More later....


Friday, November 13, 2015

Having A Debate With Myself About Breaking My Commitment

I very much enjoyed abstaining from drinking (and cannabis too) yesterday. : )

I really want to drink moderately today. I really want four standard drinks. I want vodka, that I can mix 1 oz. at a time in a bunch of structured water, and drink slowly over the hours. There are four standard drinks in a half pint of vodka---four 1 1/2 oz. shots. Six 1 oz. shots (equaling four standard drinks) over many hours in water is a really good way to moderate; get a desired buzz; to not get drunk; to just enjoy drinking. And to stay Hydrated. I've done this MANY times in the past three years. I already KNOW I'm a moderate drinker. I don't have to PROVE it to myself by abstaining for two weeks before drinking again. I have also MANY times only drunk one or two drinks on days I drank.

WHY did I make this commitment again not to drink until Thanksgiving??

Is it OK to break that commitment??

Is there any real reason not to break it?

How will I feel about myself if I break it?

How will others feel about me?

I'm certainly not going to lie. I'm certainly not going to hide it. Those days are gone for good, and I am so blessed and grateful and brilliant for that!

It's so important to remember to love yourself and to compliment yourself about everything. LOVE is the Master Healer. It's equally important to be honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings.

So, why DID I make that commitment yesterday? Let's see, it seemed like my only solution in the moment of a bad hangover and bad habit lately of drinking too much. It seemed like an act of self love and love for others to make that commitment. It made a lot of sense and it felt really right and good.

I've also learned lately that it is very healthy, smart, and good to have long conversations with yourself about things; it's not the sign of weakness, it's the sign of strength. In CultAA they brainwashed me into believing that having conversations with myself about drinking meant I was a hopeless alcoholic. That's another example of how they accidentally did damage to me (and countless others).

I had TONS of conversations with myself about sugar, and it took two or three years to finally limit or abstain from sugar intake permanently! I've been moderating or abstaining from consuming sugar for, I'd guess, four years now? I'll never ever go back to consuming too much sugar on a regular basis (I do occasionally over-indulge, of course): thanks in part to NEVER giving up eating sugar!! And never giving up those long conversations with myself about eating it (and reading and researching)!

I've been a MOSTLY Moderate drinker for nearly three years!!! I KNOW I can switch back to moderate drinking at will. That is, I HAVE to believe that. I had not been ready to return to moderate drinking because of how getting drunk was legitimately serving me in a time of Great Need. But now, getting drunk is NOT serving me anymore, and it IS hurting me.

If I change my mind about not drinking until Thanksgiving, it's NOT about Justifying bad actions, it's about honoring my path and LOVING MYSELF No Matter What.

If I LEARN that I'm NOT yet ready to drink moderately again, I will REEVALUATE.


Why Do I Feel So Guilty Though??
Because I'm NORMAL, that's why!
Anyone should feel some guilt over breaking a commitment!

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Made A Commitment Not To Drink Until Thanksgiving

I'm not going to lie, it's not going to be easy not to drink until then!
But I'm going to do it anyway.
I've gotten into a very bad habit of getting drunk every time I drink, which is almost everyday lately.
I'm in the deepest emotional pain of my life over my so-called mother and the rest of my family of origin, whom I now know for sure I'll NEVER be able to achieve healing and reunion with.
Drinking has been a great escape, but it's probably killing me.
I need a break from alcohol so I can resume moderate drinking. That is sobriety to me: moderation and abstinence days.
My little family and I are looking forward to Thanksgiving together, yummy eats, perhaps margaritas, and perhaps games or a movie or a walk in the park. : D
I had to ask friends how to make a margarita! Cuz I drink my tequila mixed with structured water only!


Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Something Needs To Be Addressed

I Don't Know What It Is

All I know is that when I address it
And FeelDealHeal

I will feel better

On a side note: not sure I'm liking this Berry White strain today.
It's one of those hit-or-miss things, I've discovered; knowing which strain to toke.
Other times I've mostly enjoyed it


Monday, November 9, 2015

I Do Want To Drink Today But It's Incredibly Important To Me To Moderate

This self-destructive over-drinking binge needs to be over now.
It was easy for me to have a substance-free day yesterday.
That's a very good sign.
If I choose to drink today, I will heed Shelly's words in my previous post.


Sunday, November 8, 2015

How Cool. Look What My LPP Coach Said.

She NAILED it. I saw her message after I posted my previous post about needing to stop killing myself over my fucked-up and not worth it FOO (family of origin). She wrote it yesterday; I just saw it this morning after posting on my blog.

(Life Process Program (LPP) link in right margin.)

From Wonderful Shelly:

Dear Jaya, I can feel your pain through your writing. I received a word of knowledge on you today but I dont entirely know what it means. Jaya, something about your FOO, when you get too close to their energy, it somehow gets you to fall out of what Id like to call your control zone--healthy moderate drinking. A 15 min time out-reset is essential for you because I want to work on recommitting to that goal of slowing your thought cycle and body down. Somewhere along the line, you cross over into a shaming mindset when your body knows its had too much. The truth of the matter is Jaya--that you DONT have to spend the rest of your life recovering when it is possible to reprogram your thinking back to a time before you ever had your first drink of alcohol. I want you to reflect on this for me. Ideas for adopting a weekly mantra to use is something i want you to think about. Some ideas would be--I am in control; I am nurturing my authentic self; I am living a life of passion and purpose; my body is a temple of goodness and truth; I will live my truth. Think about the new identity you are wanting to accept and take on and use that as inspiration. I think the #1 acceptance that you need right now, Jaya, is not the fleeting and artificial acceptance of others, but the true acceptance of yourself --my hunch is that you havent accepted the new you yet because you havent let go of the old you. Be true to yourself and those who love you and are stellar companions and friendships to have, will embrace that. The ones that dont, have just made your quest for truth in all realms that much easier. It is a new season in your life and as long as we can get your heart and mind in tandem on the same page, you will discover a peace and happiness that over drinking or emotional drinking cannot bring. The sweet spot is moderation and being in control with the battlefield of the mind.

Shelly

I Can't Live Like This Anymore

http://judyactonayala.blogspot.com/2015/11/woke-up-with-mantra-i-cant-live-like.html

Saturday, November 7, 2015

On A New Kind Of A Roll

No distractions, please

Wiser

Kinder

Happier

Opener (heehee, great word for More Open)

Lovelier

Kinder (again)

Smarter

More Self-Loving

More Forgiving

More Honest

More Truthful

More Forthright

   Are You Getting My Drift, Healers Of The World?  Mutual Healers, To Be Sure!

Come As You Are
Do As You Wish
Stay As Long As You Like


Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Yep, It Gets Worse...

...Before it will inevitably get better, because That's How Life Rolls !

DEEPEST EMOTIONAL PAIN I'VE EVER BEEN THROUGH

Don't wish to elaborate yet

Simply grateful that MY DRINKING has remained under control and even still with abstinent days


To Be Continued

Friday, October 30, 2015

I Just Can't Wait For This Current Crisis To Pass

Surely The Dark Night Of The Soul couldn't be any worse than this.
Surely that's what I'm going through.

Nonetheless, once again, it's easier to say no to more alcohol than it is to wake up in the morning feeling so sick and so scared; which is what happens when I drink too much for me.

I'm glad I'm strong enough and able enough to practice that still (if I am), and to do it now in the middle of one of the worst crises of my life. There's no emotional pain I can recall that is worse than what I'm experiencing right now.

Thank you for listening to me.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Even Though Most Of The People You Love More Than Life Itself Don't Love You...

Including your family of origin and your supposed twin soul,
It's still easy to say no to alcohol, right?
Not so much.
Not easy lately.
I'm sure it will be again.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Just Like The Last Time

Not much has changed since my last post, and I drank < 6 beers again yesterday.
But the day before that I abstained.
It feels like my life is falling apart.
Let's hope that means I'm Waking Up out of some kind of dream.
It's so hard losing people you love, especially so many all at once.
I'm abstaining again today.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

In Case Anybody's Wondering

I'm going through all kinds of personal hell (again) on different levels
And I'm getting properly drunk
And stoned
5 drinks thus far
6 will be my limit

Thank You for listening
Thank You for caring

Oh, and as always, I have the major support from my little family
But whom I am leaving out of my drama today...
That is, my daughters
Their dad knows every detail and Is So Totally On My Team

AMEN

Saturday, October 24, 2015

So Grateful

Didn't get too carried away yesterday against all odds.
Drank 5, a combo of beers and tequila.
My mods limit is 4 though.
Doing another abs day today.
Must be getting back to my groove of more abs days.
Just the way I like it.

I'm inspired by my little family and all of my readers, and I Thank You!

Tell Your Truth
Tell Your Stories



Friday, October 23, 2015

It's Really True, You Know

Surviving things makes you better and stronger, which means the simple act of surviving something brings healing to you.

Odd though, because we all know that at the same time surviving something can bring you illness and such.

I guess that's the difference between the spiritual and the physical.

But I digress.

I just wanted to say that I'm still glad I'm a drinker.
And that I have the skills to define sobriety and moderation for myself.
I really enjoyed my alcohol-free day yesterday... but now... hey!...



Thursday, October 22, 2015

Someone Triggered Me To Want To Drink Too Much Yesterday

I need to write about it so I can understand what's going on, and hopefully not repeat it.

I drank more than I want to admit, seven drinks, almost twice my limit of 0 - 4. I actually wanted one more, but had enough sense to stop!

I think I must have had a strong reaction to a conversation I had yesterday, which somewhat added to the crisis I'm already going through, and I know I'm having PTSD from all that.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself here, and forgiving of myself. I didn't do damage because of drinking and using quite a bit of cannabis, but I did do some annoying things to loved ones; just by sort of being imposing, I guess. It's not fun for people to be imposed on, even by a happy drunk, which I was.

The trigger was a pretty hard and intense conversation with someone who is so important to me, but whom I don't know for sure is going to stay in my life. Life and time changes things, you know. I love him, and I hope things work out, and I guess a good way for me to know is if I still feel triggered to drink too much when I interact with him. Right? I mean, if someone consistently drives you to drink it's time to reevaluate the relationship....

But I'm not being fair to him by saying that. I know it's not like that; I'm just feeling scared right now in general. Yesterday was the first time I told him I'm drinking again; him thinking I've been alcohol-free since the beginning of 2012. The conversation put us both back into the painful past regarding my problem drinking. No wonder I drank too much.

GOSH, these are DIFFICULT TIMES for me with personal relationships. Wow. My entire family of origin and relatives are no more to me.
I don't know what I'd do without my little family here who loves and supports me.

I drunk-dialed my mom (she's still my mom? i still want to say one more thing to her? it's hard to let go? goodbyes can take a long time?) and learned that she has blocked my phone number. Clearly, it was another of her lies all those, "Never ever give up!"

But I got through to my sister's voicemail and said, "Thank you all for showing me what I'll never become. And thank you all for showing me what I'm strong enough to survive. Goodbye."
I recognize that as a passive-aggressive move, perhaps, but still generous of me after all the abuse.

I intend for this to be the end of all contact between all of them and me.

And I think I'm going to be alright with drinking. I'm still not worried.
And I think I'm saner and more normal than I realize too.
After 58 years of being made to feel crazy and self-hatred by the family that was supposed to love and nurture me.

Horrid hangover that will last all day. Ugh.
Was supposed to go grocery shopping, but can't (hangover with ME/CFS = pretty incapacitated).
Glad to make it an abs day fer sure!

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The Drinking Is Going Well

Despite the severity of things I'm going through of late
I'm doing great keeping it moderate
With just a minor exception or two
And abs days happen too
Like on my youngest daughter's 21st birthday Friday!
Thank GodGoddessUniverse
Even though that's the day I got the most utterly shocking and devastating news ever
That my beloved cousin doesn't believe me!! about the abuse from my parents
I'm No alcoholic



Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Wow

I'm
Trusting
More
And
More
That
No
Matter
What
Happens
In
My
Life
I
Am
Going
To 
Stay 
Safe
And
Sane

What
An
Awesome
Feeling
And
Gift
And
Insight
That
Is

And
That
It
Is
Safe
For
Me
To
Have
ALL
My
Feelings


Sunday, October 18, 2015

Thanks, Kids!

My daughter and her friends indirectly taught me something last night when we all went to Stacked for her 21st birthday party dinner and drinks and dessert:

I'm Too Hard On Myself
And it stops NoW

I won't say how they taught me this; I would offend them! <wink>

So that's that!


Things get to change for me now that I've been through the final wringer with my FOO (family of origin), and I get to treat myself better than anyone has ever treated me. And I get to love myself more than anyone has ever loved me. And I get to stop judging myself and criticizing myself and ever treating myself poorly, especially when I make mistakes. I already know about myself that I own my stuff and I apologize when I err, unlike my FOO.

And as a bonus!: The more we love and respect ourselves and the better we treat ourselves, the better we treat others.

And like the song says, "In the end, only kindness matters." Jewel is right about that. Starting with kindness to self; learning self-care and self-nurturing.

Learning to be kind yet assertive with your enemies takes a lot of tactfulness and skill, doesn't it!

To My FOO:




To Me:


Saturday, October 17, 2015

I'm Not Worried About Myself

I figure if I can go through ALL that I'm going through and not even want to drink yesterday, I'm going to be fine!

Yesterday was the huge shocker about my beloved cousin; we were close growing up; people thought we were twins! It hurt, but it didn't surprise me that we grew apart during all the estrangements and discord between my FOO (family of origin) and me over the decades. When I became estranged from one, I became estranged from the entire FOO+ (relatives). ....Yeah, sorta like they are one cell and I'm the misfit; but as my psychologist pointed out, I'm the sane misfit!

My cousin and I were getting chummy through emails throughout this year, and it was delightful. I had also reunited with my FOO this year too.

It all "appeared" to be going well. I thought soul contracts were resolved, I thought I was able to do that for all of us on my own, I thought I freed everyone from ever having to be encouraged by me to talk about the abuses in order to bring truth, healing, forgiveness, and understanding.

I was horribly wrong, and things got much, much worse for me than ever before.

But I finally got the whole truth: THAT NOT ONE OF THEM EVEN BELIEVES ME ABOUT ANY OF THE ABUSE---NOT THE INCEST BY MY LATE FATHER, AND NOT THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE/NEGLECT BY MY MOTHER.

I mean, I KNEW no one ever wanted to talk about it, but I had no idea what kind of people they really were or what they really thought about me. All those "I love yous" to me from them my whole life were a crock, a cover.

They all think I'm mentally-ill-crazy and hopeless and that I was born that way.

But when, just yesterday, my cousin let me know in an email that she doesn't believe me?!?!.... it was just too much.

And WHO ARE these people?!? And, why do intelligent, sophisticated, educated, high-caliber people act like white trailer trash?? Or worse yet, Republicans?!!

I was in shock all day yesterday. I was heart-broken. I was depressed.
But I didn't want to drink and I didn't. No cannabis either. Not even CBD tincture.

For all I know, having more of the truth will help my drinking get even better (more moderate).

I'll Be A Happy Forever Orphan
Who Never Has To Go To Any Funerals Or Memorial Services!
_________________________

Today will continue to hurt, but tonight is going to be fun! We're taking my youngest daughter and her friends out for dinner at Stacked! She's 21 (yesterday)!!! Woot!


Friday, October 16, 2015

I Spoke Too Soon Yesterday ---- She Finally Drove Me Over The Edge

Per my previous post, the absolutely overwhelming emotional pain, shock, and devastation basically drove me to practically guzzle almost six beers yesterday. I thought I was done at four, as it's my habit now to drink 0 - 4 drinks, meaning I don't drink everyday, and I'm in the habit now of drinking that moderately. I've been writing about knowing I'll be switching down to 0 - 3 fairly soon.

I was just in too much emotional and mental pain to remember to be only self-nurturing; I wanted to numb-out; I wanted to escape the horrid truth that my FOO+ truly SUCK!!!

I even lost the newly returned friendship of the cousin I grew up with, because even she doesn't believe me about the abuse. :'(. She came back into my life this year after years and years of estrangement.

My little family here certainly believes me, and Jordan has witnessed for himself many times over the decades their abuse/neglect. When he read my compelling memoir, he got the whole picture and a full understanding. He's so very angry and disgusted by all of them; for not one of them ever being there for me; for their refusing my endless efforts to bring truth, healing, forgiveness and understanding.

I am blessed to have one cousin via Facebook who fully believes me and supports me, while being able to keep my FOO+ in her life. We're like secret friends and it's beautiful. We got acquainted for the first time in our lives, really, about a couple years ago through FB.

I got drunk and stoned yesterday and sort of lost my mind.

I did some things I shouldn't have done, like walk next door and beg my 86-year-old neighbor for some attention yesterday afternoon; something I've never done before in the nearly 20 years we've been neighbors and friends. She angrily threatened to call the police on me. It was shocking. I had no idea she had that much fear in her, but that wasn't caused by me; she was simply annoyed by my desperate attempt to seek compassion and to offer it in return. She wasn't feeling well, and wanted to be left alone, and I was insensitive to that. But it was like she poured salt in the wound because she has almost the same birthday as my mother, and they are alike in many ways. But she and I have always liked each other and gotten along and helped each other.

Then, I fear, I went to her 80-something-year-old next door neighbors to tell them what just happened. They were compassionate. I left their porch in tears after a few minutes, came home, collapsed on the hardwood living room floor and bawled and wept my soul out. My two adult daughters were home. One called their dad to come over to help me. He did. Best man I've ever known. Best friend I've ever had.

But then I sent an email to someone I love but am not allowed to contact; a dear friend; my possible twin soul; my star-crossed lover. And I sent him my blogs. He doesn't know about them, or that I drink again and have for three years. I fear it will be the end of us for good for reasons I can't and won't get into. But I guess I have to be OK with whatever happens because I can't and won't live with secrets and lies anymore. In other words, for myself; I need to be authentic. What and how other people choose to live their lives is up to them and none of my business. I just need to be fully me in my relationships and in life.

Perhaps all that happened with my FOO and too much alcohol triggered a BPD episode. I've had moderate Borderline Personality Disorder, and it's been in remission for four years. It was given to me by prolonged psychotrauma  in my childhood. I was born an HSP--Highly Sensitive Person.

And that's my sad tale.

I'm very strong. I'll be alright.
I have a fuller understanding now, and won't ever have to try to reconcile with my FOO+ ever again.
I'll make the best of it.
I'm Free.
This is the birth of my True Liberation.