How many times this year did drinking SAVE me from having a heart attack!
http://judyactonayala.blogspot.com/2015/11/how-do-you-live-with-something-like-this.html
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Saturday, November 14, 2015
EVERYTHING CHANGED OVERNIGHT
I am CHOSEN to live an alcohol-free life.
I can't explain it.
It's just something I know.
More later....
Friday, November 13, 2015
Having A Debate With Myself About Breaking My Commitment
I very much enjoyed abstaining from drinking (and cannabis too) yesterday. : )
I really want to drink moderately today. I really want four standard drinks. I want vodka, that I can mix 1 oz. at a time in a bunch of structured water, and drink slowly over the hours. There are four standard drinks in a half pint of vodka---four 1 1/2 oz. shots. Six 1 oz. shots (equaling four standard drinks) over many hours in water is a really good way to moderate; get a desired buzz; to not get drunk; to just enjoy drinking. And to stay Hydrated. I've done this MANY times in the past three years. I already KNOW I'm a moderate drinker. I don't have to PROVE it to myself by abstaining for two weeks before drinking again. I have also MANY times only drunk one or two drinks on days I drank.
WHY did I make this commitment again not to drink until Thanksgiving??
Is it OK to break that commitment??
Is there any real reason not to break it?
How will I feel about myself if I break it?
How will others feel about me?
I'm certainly not going to lie. I'm certainly not going to hide it. Those days are gone for good, and I am so blessed and grateful and brilliant for that!
It's so important to remember to love yourself and to compliment yourself about everything. LOVE is the Master Healer. It's equally important to be honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings.
So, why DID I make that commitment yesterday? Let's see, it seemed like my only solution in the moment of a bad hangover and bad habit lately of drinking too much. It seemed like an act of self love and love for others to make that commitment. It made a lot of sense and it felt really right and good.
I've also learned lately that it is very healthy, smart, and good to have long conversations with yourself about things; it's not the sign of weakness, it's the sign of strength. In CultAA they brainwashed me into believing that having conversations with myself about drinking meant I was a hopeless alcoholic. That's another example of how they accidentally did damage to me (and countless others).
I had TONS of conversations with myself about sugar, and it took two or three years to finally limit or abstain from sugar intake permanently! I've been moderating or abstaining from consuming sugar for, I'd guess, four years now? I'll never ever go back to consuming too much sugar on a regular basis (I do occasionally over-indulge, of course): thanks in part to NEVER giving up eating sugar!! And never giving up those long conversations with myself about eating it (and reading and researching)!
I've been a MOSTLY Moderate drinker for nearly three years!!! I KNOW I can switch back to moderate drinking at will. That is, I HAVE to believe that. I had not been ready to return to moderate drinking because of how getting drunk was legitimately serving me in a time of Great Need. But now, getting drunk is NOT serving me anymore, and it IS hurting me.
If I change my mind about not drinking until Thanksgiving, it's NOT about Justifying bad actions, it's about honoring my path and LOVING MYSELF No Matter What.
If I LEARN that I'm NOT yet ready to drink moderately again, I will REEVALUATE.
Why Do I Feel So Guilty Though??
Because I'm NORMAL, that's why!
Anyone should feel some guilt over breaking a commitment!
I really want to drink moderately today. I really want four standard drinks. I want vodka, that I can mix 1 oz. at a time in a bunch of structured water, and drink slowly over the hours. There are four standard drinks in a half pint of vodka---four 1 1/2 oz. shots. Six 1 oz. shots (equaling four standard drinks) over many hours in water is a really good way to moderate; get a desired buzz; to not get drunk; to just enjoy drinking. And to stay Hydrated. I've done this MANY times in the past three years. I already KNOW I'm a moderate drinker. I don't have to PROVE it to myself by abstaining for two weeks before drinking again. I have also MANY times only drunk one or two drinks on days I drank.
WHY did I make this commitment again not to drink until Thanksgiving??
Is it OK to break that commitment??
Is there any real reason not to break it?
How will I feel about myself if I break it?
How will others feel about me?
I'm certainly not going to lie. I'm certainly not going to hide it. Those days are gone for good, and I am so blessed and grateful and brilliant for that!
It's so important to remember to love yourself and to compliment yourself about everything. LOVE is the Master Healer. It's equally important to be honest with yourself about your thoughts and feelings.
So, why DID I make that commitment yesterday? Let's see, it seemed like my only solution in the moment of a bad hangover and bad habit lately of drinking too much. It seemed like an act of self love and love for others to make that commitment. It made a lot of sense and it felt really right and good.
I've also learned lately that it is very healthy, smart, and good to have long conversations with yourself about things; it's not the sign of weakness, it's the sign of strength. In CultAA they brainwashed me into believing that having conversations with myself about drinking meant I was a hopeless alcoholic. That's another example of how they accidentally did damage to me (and countless others).
I had TONS of conversations with myself about sugar, and it took two or three years to finally limit or abstain from sugar intake permanently! I've been moderating or abstaining from consuming sugar for, I'd guess, four years now? I'll never ever go back to consuming too much sugar on a regular basis (I do occasionally over-indulge, of course): thanks in part to NEVER giving up eating sugar!! And never giving up those long conversations with myself about eating it (and reading and researching)!
I've been a MOSTLY Moderate drinker for nearly three years!!! I KNOW I can switch back to moderate drinking at will. That is, I HAVE to believe that. I had not been ready to return to moderate drinking because of how getting drunk was legitimately serving me in a time of Great Need. But now, getting drunk is NOT serving me anymore, and it IS hurting me.
If I change my mind about not drinking until Thanksgiving, it's NOT about Justifying bad actions, it's about honoring my path and LOVING MYSELF No Matter What.
If I LEARN that I'm NOT yet ready to drink moderately again, I will REEVALUATE.
Why Do I Feel So Guilty Though??
Because I'm NORMAL, that's why!
Anyone should feel some guilt over breaking a commitment!
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Made A Commitment Not To Drink Until Thanksgiving
I'm not going to lie, it's not going to be easy not to drink until then!
But I'm going to do it anyway.
I've gotten into a very bad habit of getting drunk every time I drink, which is almost everyday lately.
I'm in the deepest emotional pain of my life over my so-called mother and the rest of my family of origin, whom I now know for sure I'll NEVER be able to achieve healing and reunion with.
Drinking has been a great escape, but it's probably killing me.
I need a break from alcohol so I can resume moderate drinking. That is sobriety to me: moderation and abstinence days.
My little family and I are looking forward to Thanksgiving together, yummy eats, perhaps margaritas, and perhaps games or a movie or a walk in the park. : D
I had to ask friends how to make a margarita! Cuz I drink my tequila mixed with structured water only!
But I'm going to do it anyway.
I've gotten into a very bad habit of getting drunk every time I drink, which is almost everyday lately.
I'm in the deepest emotional pain of my life over my so-called mother and the rest of my family of origin, whom I now know for sure I'll NEVER be able to achieve healing and reunion with.
Drinking has been a great escape, but it's probably killing me.
I need a break from alcohol so I can resume moderate drinking. That is sobriety to me: moderation and abstinence days.
My little family and I are looking forward to Thanksgiving together, yummy eats, perhaps margaritas, and perhaps games or a movie or a walk in the park. : D
I had to ask friends how to make a margarita! Cuz I drink my tequila mixed with structured water only!
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Something Needs To Be Addressed
I Don't Know What It Is
All I know is that when I address it
And FeelDealHeal
I will feel better
On a side note: not sure I'm liking this Berry White strain today.
It's one of those hit-or-miss things, I've discovered; knowing which strain to toke.
Other times I've mostly enjoyed it
All I know is that when I address it
And FeelDealHeal
I will feel better
On a side note: not sure I'm liking this Berry White strain today.
It's one of those hit-or-miss things, I've discovered; knowing which strain to toke.
Other times I've mostly enjoyed it
Monday, November 9, 2015
I Do Want To Drink Today But It's Incredibly Important To Me To Moderate
This self-destructive over-drinking binge needs to be over now.
It was easy for me to have a substance-free day yesterday.
That's a very good sign.
If I choose to drink today, I will heed Shelly's words in my previous post.
It was easy for me to have a substance-free day yesterday.
That's a very good sign.
If I choose to drink today, I will heed Shelly's words in my previous post.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
How Cool. Look What My LPP Coach Said.
She NAILED it. I saw her message after I posted my previous post about needing to stop killing myself over my fucked-up and not worth it FOO (family of origin). She wrote it yesterday; I just saw it this morning after posting on my blog.
(Life Process Program (LPP) link in right margin.)
From Wonderful Shelly:
Dear Jaya, I can feel your pain through your writing. I received a word of knowledge on you today but I dont entirely know what it means. Jaya, something about your FOO, when you get too close to their energy, it somehow gets you to fall out of what Id like to call your control zone--healthy moderate drinking. A 15 min time out-reset is essential for you because I want to work on recommitting to that goal of slowing your thought cycle and body down. Somewhere along the line, you cross over into a shaming mindset when your body knows its had too much. The truth of the matter is Jaya--that you DONT have to spend the rest of your life recovering when it is possible to reprogram your thinking back to a time before you ever had your first drink of alcohol. I want you to reflect on this for me. Ideas for adopting a weekly mantra to use is something i want you to think about. Some ideas would be--I am in control; I am nurturing my authentic self; I am living a life of passion and purpose; my body is a temple of goodness and truth; I will live my truth. Think about the new identity you are wanting to accept and take on and use that as inspiration. I think the #1 acceptance that you need right now, Jaya, is not the fleeting and artificial acceptance of others, but the true acceptance of yourself --my hunch is that you havent accepted the new you yet because you havent let go of the old you. Be true to yourself and those who love you and are stellar companions and friendships to have, will embrace that. The ones that dont, have just made your quest for truth in all realms that much easier. It is a new season in your life and as long as we can get your heart and mind in tandem on the same page, you will discover a peace and happiness that over drinking or emotional drinking cannot bring. The sweet spot is moderation and being in control with the battlefield of the mind.
Shelly
(Life Process Program (LPP) link in right margin.)
From Wonderful Shelly:
Dear Jaya, I can feel your pain through your writing. I received a word of knowledge on you today but I dont entirely know what it means. Jaya, something about your FOO, when you get too close to their energy, it somehow gets you to fall out of what Id like to call your control zone--healthy moderate drinking. A 15 min time out-reset is essential for you because I want to work on recommitting to that goal of slowing your thought cycle and body down. Somewhere along the line, you cross over into a shaming mindset when your body knows its had too much. The truth of the matter is Jaya--that you DONT have to spend the rest of your life recovering when it is possible to reprogram your thinking back to a time before you ever had your first drink of alcohol. I want you to reflect on this for me. Ideas for adopting a weekly mantra to use is something i want you to think about. Some ideas would be--I am in control; I am nurturing my authentic self; I am living a life of passion and purpose; my body is a temple of goodness and truth; I will live my truth. Think about the new identity you are wanting to accept and take on and use that as inspiration. I think the #1 acceptance that you need right now, Jaya, is not the fleeting and artificial acceptance of others, but the true acceptance of yourself --my hunch is that you havent accepted the new you yet because you havent let go of the old you. Be true to yourself and those who love you and are stellar companions and friendships to have, will embrace that. The ones that dont, have just made your quest for truth in all realms that much easier. It is a new season in your life and as long as we can get your heart and mind in tandem on the same page, you will discover a peace and happiness that over drinking or emotional drinking cannot bring. The sweet spot is moderation and being in control with the battlefield of the mind.
Shelly
Saturday, November 7, 2015
On A New Kind Of A Roll
No distractions, please
Wiser
Kinder
Happier
Opener (heehee, great word for More Open)
Lovelier
Kinder (again)
Smarter
More Self-Loving
More Forgiving
More Honest
More Truthful
More Forthright
Are You Getting My Drift, Healers Of The World? Mutual Healers, To Be Sure!
Come As You Are
Do As You Wish
Stay As Long As You Like
Wiser
Kinder
Happier
Opener (heehee, great word for More Open)
Lovelier
Kinder (again)
Smarter
More Self-Loving
More Forgiving
More Honest
More Truthful
More Forthright
Are You Getting My Drift, Healers Of The World? Mutual Healers, To Be Sure!
Come As You Are
Do As You Wish
Stay As Long As You Like
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Yep, It Gets Worse...
...Before it will inevitably get better, because That's How Life Rolls !
DEEPEST EMOTIONAL PAIN I'VE EVER BEEN THROUGH
Don't wish to elaborate yet
Simply grateful that MY DRINKING has remained under control and even still with abstinent days
To Be Continued
DEEPEST EMOTIONAL PAIN I'VE EVER BEEN THROUGH
Don't wish to elaborate yet
Simply grateful that MY DRINKING has remained under control and even still with abstinent days
To Be Continued
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