I Just Can't Wait For This Current Crisis To Pass

Surely The Dark Night Of The Soul couldn't be any worse than this.
Surely that's what I'm going through.

Nonetheless, once again, it's easier to say no to more alcohol than it is to wake up in the morning feeling so sick and so scared; which is what happens when I drink too much for me.

I'm glad I'm strong enough and able enough to practice that still (if I am), and to do it now in the middle of one of the worst crises of my life. There's no emotional pain I can recall that is worse than what I'm experiencing right now.

Thank you for listening to me.

Even Though Most Of The People You Love More Than Life Itself Don't Love You...

Including your family of origin and your supposed twin soul,
It's still easy to say no to alcohol, right?
Not so much.
Not easy lately.
I'm sure it will be again.

Just Like The Last Time

Not much has changed since my last post, and I drank < 6 beers again yesterday.
But the day before that I abstained.
It feels like my life is falling apart.
Let's hope that means I'm Waking Up out of some kind of dream.
It's so hard losing people you love, especially so many all at once.
I'm abstaining again today.

In Case Anybody's Wondering

I'm going through all kinds of personal hell (again) on different levels
And I'm getting properly drunk
And stoned
5 drinks thus far
6 will be my limit

Thank You for listening
Thank You for caring

Oh, and as always, I have the major support from my little family
But whom I am leaving out of my drama today...
That is, my daughters
Their dad knows every detail and Is So Totally On My Team

AMEN

So Grateful

Didn't get too carried away yesterday against all odds.
Drank 5, a combo of beers and tequila.
My mods limit is 4 though.
Doing another abs day today.
Must be getting back to my groove of more abs days.
Just the way I like it.

I'm inspired by my little family and all of my readers, and I Thank You!

Tell Your Truth
Tell Your Stories

It's Really True, You Know

Surviving things makes you better and stronger, which means the simple act of surviving something brings healing to you.

Odd though, because we all know that at the same time surviving something can bring you illness and such.

I guess that's the difference between the spiritual and the physical.

But I digress.

I just wanted to say that I'm still glad I'm a drinker.
And that I have the skills to define sobriety and moderation for myself.
I really enjoyed my alcohol-free day yesterday... but now... hey!...

Someone Triggered Me To Want To Drink Too Much Yesterday

I need to write about it so I can understand what's going on, and hopefully not repeat it.

I drank more than I want to admit, seven drinks, almost twice my limit of 0 - 4. I actually wanted one more, but had enough sense to stop!

I think I must have had a strong reaction to a conversation I had yesterday, which somewhat added to the crisis I'm already going through, and I know I'm having PTSD from all that.

I'm trying to be gentle with myself here, and forgiving of myself. I didn't do damage because of drinking and using quite a bit of cannabis, but I did do some annoying things to loved ones; just by sort of being imposing, I guess. It's not fun for people to be imposed on, even by a happy drunk, which I was.

The trigger was a pretty hard and intense conversation with someone who is so important to me, but whom I don't know for sure is going to stay in my life. Life and time changes things, you know. I love him, and I hope things work out, and I guess a good way for me to know is if I still feel triggered to drink too much when I interact with him. Right? I mean, if someone consistently drives you to drink it's time to reevaluate the relationship....

But I'm not being fair to him by saying that. I know it's not like that; I'm just feeling scared right now in general. Yesterday was the first time I told him I'm drinking again; him thinking I've been alcohol-free since the beginning of 2012. The conversation put us both back into the painful past regarding my problem drinking. No wonder I drank too much.

GOSH, these are DIFFICULT TIMES for me with personal relationships. Wow. My entire family of origin and relatives are no more to me.
I don't know what I'd do without my little family here who loves and supports me.

I drunk-dialed my mom (she's still my mom? i still want to say one more thing to her? it's hard to let go? goodbyes can take a long time?) and learned that she has blocked my phone number. Clearly, it was another of her lies all those, "Never ever give up!"

But I got through to my sister's voicemail and said, "Thank you all for showing me what I'll never become. And thank you all for showing me what I'm strong enough to survive. Goodbye."
I recognize that as a passive-aggressive move, perhaps, but still generous of me after all the abuse.

I intend for this to be the end of all contact between all of them and me.

And I think I'm going to be alright with drinking. I'm still not worried.
And I think I'm saner and more normal than I realize too.
After 58 years of being made to feel crazy and self-hatred by the family that was supposed to love and nurture me.

Horrid hangover that will last all day. Ugh.
Was supposed to go grocery shopping, but can't (hangover with ME/CFS = pretty incapacitated).
Glad to make it an abs day fer sure!

The Drinking Is Going Well

Despite the severity of things I'm going through of late
I'm doing great keeping it moderate
With just a minor exception or two
And abs days happen too
Like on my youngest daughter's 21st birthday Friday!
Thank GodGoddessUniverse
Even though that's the day I got the most utterly shocking and devastating news ever
That my beloved cousin doesn't believe me!! about the abuse from my parents
I'm No alcoholic

Wow

I'm

Trusting

More

And

More

That

No

Matter

What

Happens

In

My

Life

I

Am

Going

To 

Stay 

Safe

And

Sane

What

An

Awesome

Feeling

And

Gift

And

Insight

That

Is

And
That
It
Is
Safe
For
Me
To
Have
ALL
My
Feelings

Thanks, Kids!

My daughter and her friends indirectly taught me something last night when we all went to Stacked for her 21st birthday party dinner and drinks and dessert:

I'm Too Hard On Myself
And it stops NoW

I won't say how they taught me this; I would offend them! <wink>

So that's that!


Things get to change for me now that I've been through the final wringer with my FOO (family of origin), and I get to treat myself better than anyone has ever treated me. And I get to love myself more than anyone has ever loved me. And I get to stop judging myself and criticizing myself and ever treating myself poorly, especially when I make mistakes. I already know about myself that I own my stuff and I apologize when I err, unlike my FOO.

And as a bonus!: The more we love and respect ourselves and the better we treat ourselves, the better we treat others.

And like the song says, "In the end, only kindness matters." Jewel is right about that. Starting with kindness to self; learning self-care and self-nurturing.

Learning to be kind yet assertive with your enemies takes a lot of tactfulness and skill, doesn't it!

To My FOO:

To Me: