I need to write about it so I can understand what's going on, and hopefully not repeat it.
I drank more than I want to admit, seven drinks, almost twice my limit of 0 - 4. I actually wanted one more, but had enough sense to stop!
I think I must have had a strong reaction to a conversation I had yesterday, which somewhat added to the crisis I'm already going through, and I know I'm having PTSD from all that.
I'm trying to be gentle with myself here, and forgiving of myself. I didn't do damage because of drinking and using quite a bit of cannabis, but I did do some annoying things to loved ones; just by sort of being imposing, I guess. It's not fun for people to be imposed on, even by a happy drunk, which I was.
The trigger was a pretty hard and intense conversation with someone who is so important to me, but whom I don't know for sure is going to stay in my life. Life and time changes things, you know. I love him, and I hope things work out, and I guess a good way for me to know is if I still feel triggered to drink too much when I interact with him. Right? I mean, if someone consistently drives you to drink it's time to reevaluate the relationship....
But I'm not being fair to him by saying that. I know it's not like that; I'm just feeling scared right now in general. Yesterday was the first time I told him I'm drinking again; him thinking I've been alcohol-free since the beginning of 2012. The conversation put us both back into the painful past regarding my problem drinking. No wonder I drank too much.
GOSH, these are DIFFICULT TIMES for me with personal relationships. Wow. My entire family of origin and relatives are no more to me.
I don't know what I'd do without my little family here who loves and supports me.
I drunk-dialed my mom (she's still my mom? i still want to say one more thing to her? it's hard to let go? goodbyes can take a long time?) and learned that she has blocked my phone number. Clearly, it was another of her lies all those, "Never ever give up!"
But I got through to my sister's voicemail and said, "Thank you all for showing me what I'll never become. And thank you all for showing me what I'm strong enough to survive. Goodbye."
I recognize that as a passive-aggressive move, perhaps, but still generous of me after all the abuse.
I intend for this to be the end of all contact between all of them and me.
And I think I'm going to be alright with drinking. I'm still not worried.
And I think I'm saner and more normal than I realize too.
After 58 years of being made to feel crazy and self-hatred by the family that was supposed to love and nurture me.
Horrid hangover that will last all day. Ugh.
Was supposed to go grocery shopping, but can't (hangover with ME/CFS = pretty incapacitated).
Glad to make it an abs day fer sure!
