First of all, what I remind myself of often is that I Don't Have To Get My Way To Be Happy.
That's a spiritual truth.
So, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen with my family of origin (FOO), I guess I'll be OK.
I've been trying to save my family my whole life.
Anyway, here's what happened yesterday:
I did experience a sense of relief from "escaping" the FOO who can't stop hurting me/I can't stop feeling hurt by. I blocked them from being able to contact me in any way.
With the blessing of my little family here, I enjoyed a bottle of champagne over several hours yesterday.
Much to my surprise, I called my mother, then my brother, then my sister.
I wanted to tell them I love them, but that something had to give for me, and I'm sorry if they can't understand.
Then I asked them to do a radical thing. I asked them if they would read, "The Courage To Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, and then allow me to have control over our individual relationships. I reminded them that dad did this and our relationship began to heal because of it, and we achieved a great deal of healing before his tragic death in 1999; car crash. So, he and I never got to finish our healing process.
I can't expect the rest of my FOO to be interested in my request; after all, they never have been before, but it felt good to ask for what I needed and for what I know can heal our relationships.
There really needs to be an acknowledgement of the the abuse. We have to tell the truth, and we have to feel in order to heal. How can you heal what you can't feel? I've been preaching this to them my entire life. I'm exhausted.
I'm grateful I don't have to hear from any of them until I'm ready to.
I'm still hopeful. It really IS Impossible to give up hope, no matter what the odds.
The girls' dad and I enjoyed spending time together yesterday evening, and since I was already done drinking, he enjoyed a couple beers while we talked, watched a movie, and enjoyed each other's company; before he took off for a week on business this morning.
I believe if not for him and our two daughters, I'd have been dead a long time ago.
