In Case You Smelled My Bullshit Yesterday

My intentions were pure and I believed what I was composing on Thursday, and I chose to go ahead and publish it here Friday, after much thought, even though it wasn't true.

Now I know why it wasn't true and now I feel safe to expose myself to you.

On Thursday I ended up drinking 4.5 of those 7.7%-alcohol beers = 6.75 standard drinks.

And on Friday I drank 6 regular beers (6 standard drinks).

And Now I Know Why:

Friday morning's Judy's Jottings post:  judyactonayala.blogspot.com//i-wonder-how-long-it-will-take-if-ever

This morning's Judy's Jottings post (composed yesterday while buzzed):  judyactonayala.blogspot.com/a-pretend-letter-to-my-ex-mother-to


It took a lot out of me to write and post all of these. I'll be alright. I know I won't drink today or tomorrow. So, I drank 3 times this week, down from 4 days last week when the FOO (family of origin) shit really hit the fan. I'm trying to be non-judgmental of myself because I deserve my own compassion. Because it's my desire to drink only 2 times a week again, I know I will return to that, and probably starting next week.

Well, THAT Was Fun!

What started out as a very possible disappointment in myself, turned into a master plan for this week!
It's interesting how flexible a drinking plan can allow one to be!
You know, as long as you are Keepin' It 100! Telling yourself the Truth!
Not easy to do if you're an addict, I know, but whether or not I was an addict before (probably was), I'm not now!

My drinking week starts on Mondays, and my drinking plan is to drink only twice a week, but that I can drink as much as I want those two days. (I'd been averaging 6 drinks.)

The first day that I drank this week was Tuesday, and I surprised myself by only drinking 4.5 drinks (standard drinks. it was a half pint of silver tequila.)
I was planning on drinking on Friday as my second day.

But yesterday, Thursday, I, for whatever reasons wanted to drink. I decided to go for it, but as I was driving to Bev Mo to get beer, I was full of anxiety, self-doubt, and self-disappointment. Going off my plan put me at risk for drinking perhaps a third day this week. Scary after coming off a drank-four-days-last-week experience due to overwhelming circumstances.

Was I going to fuck up this week and hate myself??

Nope! Hurray! Not at all!

By trusting myself and simply following through with my decision to drink yesterday, it suddenly became so clear!: Buy A 6-Pack Of Stone Delicious IPA (Gluten-Free) 7.7%-Alcohol Beer, And Drink Half On Thursday And Half On Friday! No harm no foul! Why? Because it was moderate drinking making it all average-out; making it so I didn't drink much more than my average 12 drinks a week. (I still want to get that number down.)

The thing about Stone Delicious IPA is that a 6-pack = 9 standard drinks! I'd never want to drink that much in one day anymore, and believe me, it almost never happened. It was so easy to drink only 3 of them yesterday = 4.5 standard drinks! And I get to enjoy the rest this evening, while, among other things, watching Real Time with Bill Maher!

It's easy not to drink on Saturdays or Sundays due to family goings-on(s)! Spending quality time with my awesome little family is always preferable over drinking!

Work Hard Within Your Means At Making Yourself Truly Happy !

All Is Well

Certainly, listening to Matt Kahn on Monday re-aligned my spirit, helped me tap-into my intuition more strongly, and feels like the biggest reason that when I drank last night, the first time out of two planned drinking days for this week, I kept it moderate. It Feels So Good! To finally not only be drinking only two times a week (achieved that prior to last week and expect to achieve it this week and beyond), but being able to keep the number of drinks moderate! Not my usual 6! I drank 4.5 = half pint of silver tequila (with lots of healing Structured Water) over a four-hour period. And I enjoyed a bit of med weed too. : )

I could get used to this!   I'm still OK, for now, with drinking as many drinks as I choose due to cutting back drinking to two times a week (was drinking up to five times a week for several months, and trying to keep it to 1-4 drinks with some success but not enough success). But I see myself wanting more and more to drink less. That's just me. Everyone is different.

It's one thing to believe you can improve your drinking habits, it's quite another thing when it actually happens!

I know Many people are accomplishing this! Especially the ones I connect with through The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin).

I want to share Matt's recording with you because it was FREE and I'm not breaking any rules. : )

Password: AwakenedOne   Link: Awaken-Your-Intuition

I Cannot Tell A Lie -- The Fatigue Made Me Do It

So, under normal circumstances, with the many reasons, good and bad, for drinking, the biggest reason I drink is when I'm desperate for relief from the symptoms of ME/CFS and the bone-crushing fatigue. There's absolutely nothing else that I know of that works.

The past week took too much out of me and even though emotionally I am OK again, on a purely physical level yesterday I just couldn't stand how I was feeling, and with my little family's OK, I drank yesterday. I chose champagne, and I ended up drinking nearly two bottles! As far as I know I didn't get into any trouble though! geez.

Drinking definitely gives me the energy I crave and disguises any other symptoms I'm having. When I use it right, alcohol is good medicine!

I went overboard yesterday though. I'm glad I drank lots of Structured Water too to neutralize the toxins, keep me hydrated, and prevent a hangover. Thank GodGoddessUniverse for SW!

OK, so NOW I can FINALLY get back to my new normal of drinking only twice a week! HURRAY!

The last thing that makes sense to do is to punish myself for my FOOs (family of origin) mistreatment of me by drinking too much! I dunno, it's like I'm taking the bullet for my ex-mother by punishing myself instead of her. (?) I think when we come from an abusive family we tend to treat ourselves very badly too often. Chalk it up to growing pains.

Maybe Those Negative Influences Are Losing Their Power Over Me

The Majesty that is this universe of ours never ceases to amaze me.
But that's another story.

It's mind-blowing to learn just how Strong and Resilient you are, don't you agree?
The impossible things you survive and only to become stronger and better.

My beloved husband (we're happily separated) called me a Champion yesterday. That was very moving and meaningful to me. I called him a Champion too, because he is! Although, he certainly has never had a drinking problem, thank GodGoddessUniverse. : )

I could NOT have predicted that I would have so much control over my drinking this week under the circumstances I found myself in (see my other blog, link in right margin). Again, especially SO SOON after emerging from a long problematic binge.

And yesterday morning was especially hard on me and should have driven me to drink---But It Didn't! And I ended up having a happy, peaceful, sober day.

GAWD, I'm Proud Of Myself!!!
And WOW Am I Grateful!!!

And like my psychologist said in an email to me, "Glad to hear your drinking is starting to resemble normal."  : )
She and I exchanged emails recently when I reached-out to her in an email. I haven't needed her counseling services for quite a long time.

I'm in a bit of overwhelm this morning from working on my other blog: posting a post, and updating the header. It's painful, gut-wrenching stuff for me. It definitely makes me want to drink, just like I wanted to yesterday morning (wouldn't have started before noon) when dealing with things---leaning on my husband's strong shoulders over the phone in my utter devastation and despair. But then a solution came through, and I no longer wanted to drink. And the same thing will happen today.

And I especially love how this picture looks so much like my youngest daughter!

More Surprising Results

MAJOR triggers since last weekend, which I blogged about at my main blog (link in right margin)!

And I do mean MAJOR TRIGGERS!

Yet, it only set me back in my drinking by one. Meaning, I'm only drinking 3 times this week, instead of my new norm 2 times a week. Meaning, I didn't spiral back down into the abyss.

Can you say  W O W ?!   WOW!!!

Absofuckinglutely SOMETHING is working here!


I also feel like Magical things manifested all on their own from the universe to my being in this scenario because I must be progressing in my spiritual awakening.

Does that need explanation? 

I'm only too happy to talk enlightenment! The ongoing process that it is! For most of us.

FingersCrossedThatIMakeItToMondayWithoutDrinkingAFourthTimeThisWeek!
YouKnowIWillTellYouTheTruth

It's Like Playing Russian Roulette Though

Going from problem drinking to consistent moderate drinking is like playing Russian Roulette, therefore it is perhaps not for most of us, and I understand why most problem drinkers choose to become teetotalers when they want to change.

And also, according to the severity of one's drinking problem, that would be a determining factor.

What one's loved ones require of them is a major factor.

But the bottom line is, Sobriety Rocks!
Sobriety has to be self-defined, so whether that means being alcohol-free for life, or drinking moderately (that has to be self-defined too).

There's just nothing in life you can enjoy while under the influence that isn't BETTER sober! I learned that a long time ago, thankfully! Yes, I'm even talking about sex! It's way better sober! It can take a while to get to the place of knowing that and living it if you're used to only having sex when you're buzzed, but it's so worth it to get to that place!

The Russian Roulette part is about so many of the problems and glitches and mistakes and sufferings I've been talking about on this blog since I began it. GAWD it's been awful so much of the time. Failing at controlling my drinking, feeling like shit too much of the time; physically, mentally and emotionally, and even spiritually, disappointing myself and others countless times, all the guilt and self-doubt, all the cravings and addictive thoughts to deal with, all the trial-and-error in figuring out when and how much to drink, all the failed Drinking Plans, the embarrassment and shame at times over being public, oh god and the insanity of drinking and driving sometimes, and drunk-dialing sometimes....

It's A Hard Journey! Not to mention trying to deal with your real problems---the ones that cause the drinking problem---while you're trying to learn to drink moderately!

It Makes More Sense To Quit Drinking For 30 Days First! Like most of the good programs recommend! (links in right margin)

But, contrary to what they say, it is absolutely Not "Imperative" to quit drinking for 30 days, OK? HAMS knows this. And I and others are proof of that! I simply need to create my own program or method by utilizing things I'm learning from the good ones, but mostly from myself.

Again, here are my very real reasons for not doing the abs-30. It is simply another serious example of how CultAA and other recovery groups damaged me: I-Had-To-Look-Really-Deep

Dun Did It! : )

Easily peasily drank only twice last week.

Feeling very grateful, confident, and motivated!

Like my separated-husband-bff said to me, "It's like the sun is starting to shine on you after a very long period of darkness." And that has more to do with all I've had to deal with with my abusive FOO (family of origin), and all I'm striving to overcome. So much of that is tied-in with my longtime on-and-off-again drinking problem. Alcohol wasn't the problem. Alcohol was a symptom.

There Is Such An Important Message To Give To The World.

The message is to Wake Up from the erroneous belief system CultAA and the rest of the recovery movement mentality is enslaving too many of us in---that most of us are Hopeless Alcoholics, when the truth is that even though one in three people have a drinking problem, 90% of them are NOT alcoholics, and should not be labeled and brainwashed into thinking that they are. This is more dangerous than it sounds and has contributed to hundreds if not thousands of suicides (links in right margin).

GAWD I could write a book on this.

Here's another helpful tool from The 30-Day Sobriety Solution: The-Affirmation-Solution


CultAA:

Eh Heh!

Due to the intensity of my morning yesterday which caused me an overload of excitement (very energetically sensitive being here!), I chose to start drinking at 1 p.m., rather than waiting until the evening!

This means I could have easily drank 6 beers over the hours instead of my loosely planned 4! I did open the 6th beer, took a few sips, didn't want it, and poured it down the drain. I LOVE pouring booze down the drain! It almost feels like a spiritual practice!

It Feels So Good To Only Have Drunken 5 under these circumstances! I'm ROCKIN sobriety!

It's All Good!

After posting in here yesterday morning, as well as my powerful post at my other blog yesterday morning (link in right margin), and then right after that an unexpected phone call from my sexy long-distance boyfriend(!), I just couldn't wait to get started drinking! All out of positive energy.

Like I said, I try to follow the promptings of the universe! That's why I generally don't plan specific drinking days. But I'm successful at sticking to how many days a week I intend to drink; which is 2 times a week, 3 is ok, and I'm aiming to get down to 1. Prior to this success I'd been drinking up to 5 times a week for several months. UGH.

MODERATION IS KING!

MODERATION IS EVERYTHING!

It's The New Norm To Do The Impossible

  Take this very short video from Jack Canfield of The 30-Day Sobriety Solution (link in right margin) for example:

  The 4-Minute Mile Solution

  He's right. And as for me personally I'm not even doing the book the way it was designed to do: One chapter every one or two or three days + quitting drinking for 30 days in a row. I'm doing it my own way and I'm still getting results.

  It's a bloody miracle, if you ask me, that for the first time in my long life I have been able to go from problem drinking to moderate drinking without having to quit drinking first! This is ACTUALLY happening!


  I'm really looking forward to enjoying a few beers tonight and watching quality TV! It's fun to plan ahead when I'm going to drink, it's also fun to go as the spirit moves me or the universe prompts me. One thing is for sure, I'll Never Have To Fear Alcohol Again. When I was into teetotaling due to thinking I couldn't drink, there was fear of drinking because I believed I would "go to jail, go insane, or die" as CultAA pounded into me since I was in my 20s.

  I'm allowing myself to drink twice (even three times, for now) a week; that's my drinking plan. I aim for once a week. Just a few short weeks ago I was averaging up to 4 or 5 times a week for several months. UGH. (but it served a purpose)

  This week I'll be drinking just twice: I drank on Tuesday (a lot, 6 drinks over many hours because I started at noon, and enjoyed it), and tonight, and then not again until next week which starts on Monday for me. I think it will feel easy and natural for me to only have about four beers tonight, but I'll let you know. I allow myself to have as much as I want, unlike when I was trying to keep it to 4 or less when I was drinking more often. It simply becomes more and more natural to drink less. I have this thing I do, also, where I always pour out the last half of the last drink!

  And please note: It's EASY and FUN to have substance-free days! None of that "white-knuckling" bullshit no mo!

  I attribute my success to many different things. The programs I've utilized, this blog and telling the truth, in general: Love as the Master Healer (especially the growing self love), sheer determination, personal and spiritual growth, becoming more productive in my day-to-day life, Finally Getting Rid Of My Fucking FOO! (family of origin)