My intention from the start, when I first heard about this amazing book by Jack Canfield, and looked into it, and liked what I saw, was to get my drinking back to all moderate; 0-4. I'd been going overboard in my drinking too often since December. I thought I needed to work through the emotional issues that were causing the problem, and that alcohol is not the problem; the 30 Day program concurs.
BUT NOW I ABSOLUTELY CAN'T(and by that I mean WON'T) DO AN ABS-30, AND I ABSOLUTELY VOW NOT TO.
Notice the word "VOW?" That's key.
You see, many years ago I vowed never to go back to CultAA again, or any other recovery movement group that creates dependency upon them. And I have Honored that vow! But CultAA is the worst in how much it harms so many, and how much it harmed me. And how many suicides it causes (links in right margin). It's been recognized as a religion by the courts... but most of us know it's far worse than that. Any program that tells you how and what to think is a cult. And the tons of other harmful things they say and do, but this is no time for such a rambling.
So, there you have it! Doing an Abs-30, to me, is like going back to CultAA. HOW many times over the decades did I go to those rooms and have to start over in my first 30 days of alcohol-free? Too many to count.
How many times did they make me and others feel shamed for being a newbie all over again in her first 30 days? Too many to count.
How many times did they humiliate and destroy souls of people who had two decades of alcohol-free, only to relapse (or even one slip) once, and be forced to be a newbie again and start over in their first 30 days of sobriety as if all their sober living Meant Nothing?! Too many times. Poor Robin Williams was one of them. He would have had to raise his hand when the moderator asked, 'Who is in their first 30 days?', and he would have had to say, "I'm Robin, and I'm an alcoholic," every day for 30 fucking days, and been treated like a newbie.
How deeply is it POUNDED into my brain that if I have to abstain from drinking voluntarily for 30 days, the ONLY reason is because I'm an alcoholic who can never drink again??
This new program does nothing of the kind, but in my subconscious, quitting drinking for 30 days ONLY means to me I can never drink again.
Trying to do an Abs-30 is proving as detrimental to me as going back to CultAA would be!
WOW.
What a wake-up call.
I VOW NEVER to do an Abs-30 voluntarily ever again!!!
Facts: According to recent government statistics, 1 in 3 people have a drinking problem. Only 10% of them are alcoholics.
I've been setting myself up for horrible failure this past week and a half by trying to do this Abs-30 thing! I've set myself up for over-drinking, shame, embarrassment, guilt, and truly hating myself. I've set myself up into starting to believe again that I'm an alcoholic! Do You Know How Erroneously Sad That Is?! I think it even made my behavior worse when I drank because I "wasn't supposed to be drinking." !!!
The problem ISN'T that I CAN'T complete 30 days of voluntary abstinence from drinking! The problem is I SHOULDN'T!!!
This idea won't go over well in the 30 Day program, I'm sure, so I'll probably keep it here, but I look very forward now to continuing in the book, one chapter a day for the 30 Days, doing the exercises while sober, and I'm picking up where I left off on Day 5---before I kept trying to start over and over again every-other day on Day 1! Like some kind of AACult victim! LOL!
I had to figure this truth out for myself.
I have to do things my way and I have to do what is best for me. We all do.
NOW I feel safe again
NOW I feel like I can breathe again
NOW I feel like I have a great chance at shifting my drinking back to my plan with greater ease.
