I was just in too much emotional and mental pain to remember to be only self-nurturing; I wanted to numb-out; I wanted to escape the horrid truth that my FOO+ truly SUCK!!!
I even lost the newly returned friendship of the cousin I grew up with, because even she doesn't believe me about the abuse. :'(. She came back into my life this year after years and years of estrangement.
My little family here certainly believes me, and Jordan has witnessed for himself many times over the decades their abuse/neglect. When he read my compelling memoir, he got the whole picture and a full understanding. He's so very angry and disgusted by all of them; for not one of them ever being there for me; for their refusing my endless efforts to bring truth, healing, forgiveness and understanding.
I am blessed to have one cousin via Facebook who fully believes me and supports me, while being able to keep my FOO+ in her life. We're like secret friends and it's beautiful. We got acquainted for the first time in our lives, really, about a couple years ago through FB.
I got drunk and stoned yesterday and sort of lost my mind.
I did some things I shouldn't have done, like walk next door and beg my 86-year-old neighbor for some attention yesterday afternoon; something I've never done before in the nearly 20 years we've been neighbors and friends. She angrily threatened to call the police on me. It was shocking. I had no idea she had that much fear in her, but that wasn't caused by me; she was simply annoyed by my desperate attempt to seek compassion and to offer it in return. She wasn't feeling well, and wanted to be left alone, and I was insensitive to that. But it was like she poured salt in the wound because she has almost the same birthday as my mother, and they are alike in many ways. But she and I have always liked each other and gotten along and helped each other.
Then, I fear, I went to her 80-something-year-old next door neighbors to tell them what just happened. They were compassionate. I left their porch in tears after a few minutes, came home, collapsed on the hardwood living room floor and bawled and wept my soul out. My two adult daughters were home. One called their dad to come over to help me. He did. Best man I've ever known. Best friend I've ever had.
But then I sent an email to someone I love but am not allowed to contact; a dear friend; my possible twin soul; my star-crossed lover. And I sent him my blogs. He doesn't know about them, or that I drink again and have for three years. I fear it will be the end of us for good for reasons I can't and won't get into. But I guess I have to be OK with whatever happens because I can't and won't live with secrets and lies anymore. In other words, for myself; I need to be authentic. What and how other people choose to live their lives is up to them and none of my business. I just need to be fully me in my relationships and in life.
Perhaps all that happened with my FOO and too much alcohol triggered a BPD episode. I've had moderate Borderline Personality Disorder, and it's been in remission for four years. It was given to me by prolonged psychotrauma in my childhood. I was born an HSP--Highly Sensitive Person.
And that's my sad tale.
I'm very strong. I'll be alright.
I have a fuller understanding now, and won't ever have to try to reconcile with my FOO+ ever again.
I'll make the best of it.
I'm Free.
This is the birth of my True Liberation.
