I've learned I can be a Toxic person when I drink too much.
I mean, I used to be, back in the day, but I didn't know that I was now.
Never to my daughters, now in their early 20s, thank God. Ever since they were born I have gone out of my way to protect them from stuff, including when I drank off and on, and I have been successful. My daughters don't think I'm a Toxic person.
But a couple people I care deeply about do.
And I need to vent because I truly hate myself.
I've worked so hard my whole life to heal from childhood abuse, continuing abuse by my FOO to this day, and any of my problem areas like drinking. I love humanity and I know as a person I continue to grow into a more loving, kind, grounded, giving, nourishing, and healing one.
But, apparently, I can still be Toxic sometimes when I've had too much to drink.
A couple of nights ago I called a very old and dear friend.
He ended up hanging up on me because he didn't appreciate my sarcastic wit.
All my efforts to apologize and explain only made things worse.
He has blocked me from his life because I am a "Toxic person"
This morning I wrote this but when I went to pm it to him on Facebook, I discovered he had blocked me:
Thank You For The Wake Up Call! OMG, did you make me
THINK. I asked my daughters, now in their young 20s, if they thought I was a Toxic
person, and they said no. And I'm grateful because I ALWAYS tried to protect
them from my dark side, and I was successful. But when I asked Jordan, over
the phone, if he thought I was a Toxic person? He PAUSED (!) He Had To Think
About It! Then he said, "In what way?" All I could do at the time was
hang up.
Let me tell you, I went to bed last night thinking very
hard on this subject. And let me tell you, I withdrew in my bed until 1 pm today,
hiding, because I felt so bad about being a Toxic person. But when I woke up, I
Woke Up!
YES, sometimes when I drink too much I become a Toxic
person. I swear to Jesus I didn't know. I couldn't see.
You have Helped Me So Much to get my act together, and I
know I shall! xo. Thank You So Very Much.
Please stick around and witness my further growth! *I* Am
one of the most Nourishing, Loving, Giving, Healing people on the planet. :D As
Are YOU
It's a shame he'll never see it. I posted it on my timeline too, just in case.
I'm not ashamed of myself in any way, I simply hate myself.
I don't want to be a Toxic person.
But I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to tell the world the truth about myself.
I see all of this as happening to Help Me In My Moderate Drinking Plan.
I see myself getting back to drinking only 1,2,3,or4, and having lots of 0 days again. Today will be one of those days.
I'm confident by tomorrow I won't hate myself anymore either.
